TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27 Under normal circumstances, One Day has little use for politics. They tend to get in the way of the more important things in life, such as choosing from the myriad of new exfoliants on the market. However, after discovering the following facts, it's evident that if clear-headed people don't start speaking up, America will be on a one-way trip to Mussolini-ville. Today an ABC News/ Washington Post poll revealed the following horrifying stats:
• 73 percent of Americans support the wiretapping of conversations between suspects held on terrorism charges and their lawyers.
• 59 percent are in favor of "military tribunals," in which defendants could be tried in secret and convicted on two-thirds majority vote.
• 78 percent gave the A-OK for America to start bombing Iraq.
• 79 percent of Americans who enjoy freedom from persecution support the interrogation of young Middle Eastern men, regardless of whether they are suspected of any crime.
And before you begin to think, "Welllll, if the majority is for it, then maybe I should be, too!"--let's put this into some perspective. Today the nominees were announced for the People's Choice Awards (wherein average Americans are asked to name their favorite celebrities, movies, and TV shows). One of the top nominees for "Best TV Show" included Jason Alexander in the recently canceled Bob Patterson. Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson were nominated for best actor (neither has appeared in a movie this year). And two of the nominees for "Best Motion Picture"? The Fast and the Furious, and Pearl Harbor. Forget writing your congresspeople, folks--it's too late. The revolution starts now, and we're on our own.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 28 Regardless of the fact that we're trapped in a nation of idiots, things could be worse. You could be Pee-wee Herman. In a not-completely-surprising turn of events, actor Paul Reubens (hereafter known as "Mr. Wee") is under suspicion of possessing child pornography. According to The New York Post, the LA police, acting on an anonymous tip, raided the actor's Hollywood home, and carried away boxes of pornographic magazines, pictures, books, and three computers allegedly containing "lewd material." And while the police have not yet sifted through the entirety of Wee's collection, the National Enquirer reports the boxes contained 20 to 30 Polaroids of apparently underage boys, "some undressed, some performing solo sex acts." But according to Mr. Wee's spokesman, Wee is a victim of blackmail! "The search was based on a financially motivated, fabricated claim by an unnamed individual," the spokesman said. "Paul is a collector of kitsch art and eroticathe story that my client has child pornography is false." And while we here at One Day tend to agree, it doesn't really explain Mr. Wee's on-screen fascination with a certain character from Pee-wee's Playhouse, named "Tito the (barechested) lifeguard." Remember him? Mmm-hmm.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 29
Once again the Portland police are being blamed for doing the right thing regarding refusing to illegally question Middle Eastern men who are not accused of any crimes. But this time, it's the Portland police blaming the Portland police! In an article in today's Oregonian, Sgt. Robert King, president of the Police Association, dumbly noted, "What's particularly troubling to us is that the nation's top lawyer, the state attorney general, and the county's district attorney all say the questioning is legal, yet the city of Portland is hanging its hat on the advice of the city attorney." Unfortunately, no one let Sgt. King in on the information that our nation's top lawyer, John Ashcroft, is an idiot. Besides, if King is such a fan of racial profiling, he should be too busy pulling over blacks in the Northeast district to worry about illegally interviewing Middle Eastern students. But wait--it gets better! In the same article, Officer Rafe Cancio, who is also in favor of breaking the law in order to git them dad-blamed terr'ists, stated "I'm going to be in New York City for the holidays, and I've got to face the NYPD guys. They're probably not going to buy me a beer." Tell ya what, Officer Cancio: If that's what it takes to save you from the shame of doing the right thing, we'll buy you a beer. Happy?
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 30 George Harrison, the MOST talented, influential musician EVER, and possibly the most selfless, good-natured human ever born, died today. News of his death saddened fifty-eight-year-olds all over the world, and inspired a multitude of tearful remembrances and Union Jack-clutching vigils. How could this HAPPEN?? Hasn't God been PITILESS enough? Ringo Starr, the next Beatle to go if one accepts the premise that Paul will live forever, has reportedly gone into hiding.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1 Today a real estate heir wanted for murder was arrested after he shoplifted a single Band-Aid from a Weggman's off Route 512 in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. (What's the lesson, kids? PAY for the Band-Aids. PAY FOR THEM.) The fugitive, Robert A. Durst, age 58, clearly still shaken up about George Harrison, made the egregious error of stealing the bandage and a $5.99 chicken salad hero sandwich with roasted peppers in front of a clerk who immediately reported him. Mr. Durst (no known relation to Fred) is wanted for beheading a 71-year-old man, as well as for questioning regarding the disappearance of his wife (Mr. Durst's, not the beheaded man's) 19 years ago. He has eluded police in the past by disguising himself as a woman, and at the time of his arrest, had shaved his head and eyebrows and was dressed entirely in black. While he has always maintained that he likes John most, several neighbors have come forward in recent days to assert he had told them that Paul was his favorite.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2 The New York Times reported today that Rosemary Brown, the crackpot savant who "channeled" the work of dead composers and told Johnny Carson that "there was no sex in heaven," has died in London at the age of 85. Ms. Brown saw dead people as a child, and as an adult, claimed to have gone shopping with Liszt, and watched television with Chopin. She produced compositions reportedly dictated to her by Beethoven, Bach, Chopin, and others. While most musicologists dismissed Ms. Brown as a fraud, some acknowledged bits of her work as quite brilliant. Her death sent shock waves through the baby boomer set, many of whom had pinned Brown with their last hopes of a Beatles' reunion. Ah, well. At least we still have O-Town.