Ever heard of that phrase, "art imitating life"? Well, One Day has no problem with that. In fact, we would like it if "art imitated life" more often. The problem comes around when "NEWS imitates life," because when it does, one knows the poo is about to hit the fan. Example: Ex-hubby Rene Elizondo is taking Janet Jackson to court, saying he unfairly gave up writing credit on 37 of her songs, thanks to a condition he likes to call "Self-Defeating Personality Disorder." Elizondo claims the disease makes him susceptible to "being manipulated, exploited, and unduly influenced" and because of this, Janet tricked him into an "iron-clad pre-nup" that ruined any chance of him scamming money from her $80 million deal with Virgin Records. But here comes the horrible part; after reading this item, our hubby Kip now claims that he has "Self-Defeating Personality Disorder," too! In fact, he has been quoted as saying that One Day is a "manipulative bossy-pants," who has "little to no regard" for his "manhood." (This response came on the heels of asking him if it would break his back to pick up a dish now and then.) However, we quickly informed him that if he feels like he's being exploited, then we could always find someone else to rub our precious feet. Naturally, he was giving us a pedicure by nightfall. Remember girls, teaching men manners isn't just a privilege; it's a responsibility. Take it from One Day (or Ms. Romano, if you're nasty).
TUESDAY, JANUARY 8
Guess what? You almost died again! According to NASA, an asteroid big enough to crush a country the size of France came within 520,000 miles of Earth today. Given the sexy name of Asteroid 2001 YB5, the rock was about 1,000 feet across and traveling at 68,000 mph when it whizzed by. Steven Pravdo of NASA says that if the asteroid had hit, it would have caused "one of the worst disasters in human history." When asked what we could have done about it, Pravdo simply shrugged and replied, "not much." However, while most of us are simply glad to be alive, many of Hollywood's finest are breathing sighs of relief that they didn' t get crushed by something even bigger: Mr. Blackwell's Annual Worst-Dressed List. As he has for the last 42 years, the fashion guru laid down the law today on ten very unlucky celebs--and to continue the humiliation, One Day is pleased to reprint Mr. Blackwell's top ten along with his now-famous bitchy comments. Enjoy.
• Weakest Link' s Anne Robinson: "Looks like Harry Potter in drag."
• Britney Spears: "Britney's belly-baring bombs are a wacky-tacky display."
• Juliette Binoche: "a haute couture catastrophe."
• Destiny's Child: "three peas in a peek-a-boo pod."
• Björk: "A pretentious fashion folly in a nightmare by Salvador Dali!"
• Princess Stephanie: "Her wardrobe has the allure of nuclear waste."
• Kate Hudson: "Looks like a cyclone victim from the OK Corral. It's fatal fashion weather!"
• Camille Parker Bowles: "Packs the stylistic punch of a dilapidated Yorkshire pudding!"
• Cameron Diaz: "Chaos in high heels, period!"
• Gillian Anderson: "A grunge plunge resembling an escape from a Bohemian barbecue."
Ohhh-kay. Thanks, Mr. Blackwell! (I hate to say it but that is one insane old gay person.)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9
According to Tampa, Florida police, the bin Laden-lovin' boy who crashed an airplane into the side of the Bank of America building was prescribed an acne medication that has been linked with causing suicides. The Food and Drug Administration claims that the acne medication known as Accutane affects the body's central nervous system, and 147 people taking the drug from 1982 to 2000 either committed suicide or were hospitalized for attempts on their own lives. While it is still unclear whether 15-year-old Charles Bishop was taking the medication at the time of his death, his parents are frantically searching for a reason to explain the boy's behavior. In a statement issued earlier this week, they said, "Charles and his family have always fully supported our United States' war on terrorism and Osama bin Laden." Or in other words, "We will happily subscribe to whatever cockamamie story we can think of to explain our son's behavior (including ones about suicidal acne medication), as long as it successfully prevents us from being lynched. Please, stop circling around our house."
THURSDAY, JANUARY 10
Today at Afghanistan's Kandahar airport, Marines loaded the first group of al-Qaeda prisoners onto a flight bound for an U.S. base in Cuba. On board, the passengers were chained to their seats, forced to use portable toilets, and sedated (which sounds suspiciously like our recent flight on United. Hmmm ). The prisoners will be taken to the American base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where they will be questioned far away from the persnickety eyes of the American media. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld put up his own defense for this behavior, saying "there are, among these prisoners, people who are perfectly willing to kill themselves and other people" and that the chains and hoods were "appropriate restraint." Acting commander of Guantanamo Bay, Jack Nicholson, added, "I run my base how I run my base. You want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I eat breakfast 80 yards away from 4000 Cubans who are trained to kill me. So don't for one second think you' re gonna come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous." We're sorry but god. We just love A Few Good Men. Doesn' t Demi look perfect in white?
FRIDAY, JANUARY 11
Salon.com reported today, that winsome starlet Winona Ryder, who has been accused of shoplifting at Saks, was seduced into the criminal lifestyle by drugs. Specifically, the evil weed: tobacco. "Winona had already purchased some things in the store," a Ryder friend apparently told the muckraking scoops at E! TV. "And she also had some things she was considering buying when she went out of the store for a smoke. She was going to pay for the items." Winona made an appearance in court Thursday to respond to the charges (security cameras supposedly caught her ripping the electronic anti-theft tags off $5,000 worth of merchandise and shoving it into her bag--or maybe she was just rummaging for a cig?). Whether she'll play the Big Tobacco card and file a class action lawsuit against Marlboro is still unclear, but anyone who's ever experienced a nic fit has been asked to contact her lawyers.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 12
According to the Associated Press, Ken Lay, the chairman of the now-bankrupt cartel of evil super-villains Enron, lied to his employees in a pair of emails sent to them in August. The emails touted the company's stock and declared that the energy trader's growth "has never been more certain. Our performance has never been stronger; our business model has never been more robust. We have the finest organization in American business today." LIE. LIE. LIE. Ken Lay, you are a bald-faced, lying, selfish fuck. Enron collapsed leaving thousands of employees penniless with worthless retirement plans. Selling for $37 a share in August, Enron stock now sells for 68 cents. Lay sold $40 million of his Enron stock between January and August of last year, when he sent those emails. He is now holed-up in a cave counting his gold pieces with his minions. Oh, wait--that's that other evil mastermind.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 13
The Oregonian reported today that Prince Harry, the youngest son of Britain's Prince Charles, is a pothead. Okay, maybe not a pothead. But he's smoked pot. And he' s totally down with it. The sixteen-year-old reportedly confessed his indiscretions to his father last summer, after being busted by the royal staff. Prince Charles then took Harry on a tour of a rehabilitation clinic to show him the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse. The Palace says that Harry, who has taken lately to wearing Rasta caps, listening to Yes, and making late-night Taco Bell runs, is completely cured.