Today was not such a great day, mainly because our Xanax ran out. But instead of pulling a Noelle Bush and calling in a fake prescription, One Day decided to cure our depression the old-fashioned way: with self-help books. And while most of the pop-psychology books we found on the internet were a first-class trip to dullsville, we did find one of particular interest on amazon.com entitled "How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? Or Effective Way?" Though it may be easy to laugh at the mangled English of author Hiroyuki Nishigaki, who are we to say that constricting our anus won't turn our frowns upside-down? And if you still need further convincing, look no further than the author' s own description of his book. Take it away, Hiroyuki! "I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known a 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has a good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make #### three times in succession without drawing out. In addition, he also can have burned a strong, beautiful fire within his abdomen. It can burn out the dirty stickiness of his body, release his immaterial fiber or third attention, which has been confined to his stickiness. Then, he can shoot out his immaterial fiber or third attention to an object, concentrate on it and attain happy lucky feeling through the success of concentration. If you don't know concentration, which gives you peculiar pleasure, your life looks like hell." See? In the time it took for you to read this, we've constricted our anus 87 times. And we've already shot out quite a bit of immaterial fiber and feel far less sticky. Thank you, Hiroyuki!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 19
Are you good at making up lies in order to make yourself look great and others look like crap? Then you may be just the person the Pentagon needs to work in their "Office of Strategic Influence." According to an anonymous defense official speaking to the Associated Press, the Strategic Influence office--which was set up after the 9/11 attacks--is planning on sending false news articles to the foreign press in an attempt to "influence opinion in both hostile and friendly nations." According to the source, the Bush administration is nervous about Muslim attitudes toward the U.S. and waning public support overseas. Hmmm why would they be worried about something like that? Ohhhhhh, yeah. The indiscriminate bombing and "axis of evil" stuff. Right. Hey, the way we see it? What better way to regain someone' s trust than to lie to them? It worked for us and hubby, Kip, and it can work for the US government. Honestly! Sometimes we think those foreigners just don' t know how America works!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20
Beep-Beep-Buh-Beep-Beep! This just in from the One Day at a Time Gossip Desk! Teenage girls and malformed adults (like ourselves) squealed in horror and delight upon learning that Lance Bass--the slightly gayish-looking blonde from 'N Sync--will be going into space. Today the 22-year-old, pudding-faced yet strangely attractive singer confirmed he is in talks with the space company MirCorp to ride along on a flight leaving from Russia to the International Space Station in November. But just in case you're wondering what he's done to deserve this great honor, Bass will have to complete a rigorous, five-month training course at a high-security base in Star City, Russia, which will be filmed for a potential fall TV special called Celebrity Mission: Lance Bass. (Couldn' t you just die?) In a statement, Bass gushed, "I am honored and privileged to represent my country in this history-making mission. I am completely overwhelmed at the invitation."
Beep-Beep-Buh-Beep-Beep! Whoops, this just in from the One Day at a Time Gossip Desk! Lance Bass, 'N Sync astronaut, has just been dis-invited to fly into space. According to a just-released report from Reuters, Russian space agency Rosaviakosmos has NOT cleared Bass for the mission to the Space Station and most likely, will never, ever do so. Sergei Gorbunov, a spokesman from the agency, was incredulous about the idea, saying "It is as if I said I had bought Australia there is a hard preparation process, and it is not just about coming up and buying a flight." Bass was unavailable for comment, but could be heard sobbing while watching his DVD of the 1986 film Space Camp.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21
And, in an announcement almost as funny as Lance Bass being denied a trip to outer space, The Oregonian reported today that OCA leader Lon Mabon has been sent to the hoosegow for contempt of court. The 54-year-old homophobe and author of countless failed anti-gay initiatives has twice refused to cooperate in debt hearings, intended to make him cough up $31,500 for a photojournalist attacked by an OCA member in 1992. In the latest hearing, when asked to step forward and make his case, Mabon refused, saying he did not want to give the impression he "consented to the court's jurisdiction." (In other words, yet another weak-ass attempt by Mabon to worm out of an owed debt.) Happily for everyone in attendance--except for the supporters of Mabon (easily identified by their sloping foreheads and knuckles dragging the ground)--the judge has fined the OCA $1,000 per day until they decide to cooperate, and Mabon could be confined in jail for up to six months. Ahhhh Oregon smells better already.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 22
Ever worry that you might fall on a coffee cup and die? Well, you should. The Associated Press reported today that a man apparently bled to death after falling on top of the coffee mug he was carrying. Joseph Stoyer, 51, was found facedown on the sidewalk outside his Long Island apartment building by a jogger. "Somehow he falls, the cup shatters, he lands on one of the sharp pieces of the cup," Detective Lt. Frank Guidice said. No word on whether the coffee mug was one of those horrible gift mugs with a ridiculous cartoon and funny saying, or something more subdued. (We' ve got ten dollars on The Far Side or Dilbert.) The lesson, kids? Paper to-go cups. Sans stir sticks.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23
According to The New York Times, senior administration officials now say they have fresh indications that Osama bin Laden survived the bombing assault on Tora Bora and other Afghan mountain regions, and that he is probably still in the remote terrain that straddles the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan. And all this time we believed those reports that he'd been spotted looking at condo properties near Tampa.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24
Marla Maples, the classic beauty-queen-turned-harlot-turned-marriage-wrecker-turned-pre-nup-maven turned-divorcee, is being victimized once again by a society that is biased against beautiful women who sleep with men for money. Poor Marla cannot even get her tell-all book published. The book's publication has been pushed back several times, but was due out in June. Today, The New York Times reported that the book has been scrapped all together. Clearly, this is another example of prejudice against blonde busty gals who put out. Is it Marla's fault that nature bestowed her with a winning smile and gift for blow jobs? Is that any reason to censor her magnum opus? We smell a French conspiracy.