Yay! Yay! Yay! You know it's going to be a good week when the first email you read on Monday morning is a juicy, delicious, damn-near delectable BENICIO DEL TORO SIGHTING! This one comes to us courtesy of stunningly sassy Brenna, the cashier/ hostess at Old Wives' Tales Restaurant on 13th and East Burnside. Serve it up, Brenna!
"Well! Yesterday, Benicio came into the restaurant looking amazing (naturally) wearing a black parka, celebrity sunglasses, tennis shoes, and Levi's that fit him oh-so-well. He was with a pretty, 30-something woman, but I really didn't look closely at her (for reasons that should be obvious to any perceptive reader). Benicio ordered the Huevos Rancheros, sourdough toast, a side of sliced tomatoes, coffee, and an orange juice. Strangely, he didn't touch the tomatoes, and barely ate the toast. Before he got his food he perused a copy of the Portland Mercury. If I hadn't have been so lovestruck, I would've asked him to autograph a copy, but it was all I could do to keep from fainting or dumping water down his lap. He took his copy with him. I think he's a fan. Just thought you'd like to know that the Mercury's love affair with Benicio may not be entirely one-sided."
Brenna, stop it! We swear, you're going to give us the sweats! And if that description didn't set your hormones to hopping, listen to this. Our little Hollywood birdie tells us that our debonair del Toro will soon begin work on a film version of Hunter S. Thompson's novel The Rum Diary, starring alongside (brace yourselves, girls) Johnny Depp and Josh Hartnett! It's like going to hunky hottie heaven! (Except we're the ones opening up the "pearly gates." Wink!)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 26
Apparently, Benicio isn't the only person reading One Day at a Time. Remember last week, when we gave a much-deserved tongue lashing to the Pentagon for creating a governmental office solely designed to spread misinformation overseas? You don't? Well, take it from us, it was VERY INTERESTING. Anyway. Today at a Pentagon news conference, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told reporters they were shutting down this very same agency, dubiously titled the "Office of Strategic Influence." And while he didn't mention us by name, we all know who he was talking about when he said, "While much of the thrust of the criticism and the cartoons and comment has been off the mark, the office has been damaged so much that it could not operate effectively." Oh! Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo, Donald Rumsfeld! Did your widdle-bitty feelings get hurt because we had the audacity to criticize a governmental agency designed to spread LIES? When reporters continued to question him about why the office was started in the first place, Rumsfeld snapped, "The office is done. What do you want? Blood?" Oooh. Are you mad, Donald Rumsfeld? Are you mad because the mean reporters dared to question such a powerful man? Well, maybe it would make you feel better if you rub your eyes and CRY LIKE A LITTLE BABY. Cry, Donald Rumsfeld! CRYYYYYYY!!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 27
Many of you have written in to ask, "Ann. How do you pick the stories for One Day?" Actually, we use an extremely complicated series of algorithms to determine our story choices. And if that doesn't work, we look for stories that contain the words "severed human penis," "car wash," and "cow teat." Just like the following interesting tidbit Today, the residents of Hastings, Nebraska breathed a huge sigh of relief when it was discovered that a human penis found in a local carwash was not actually a human penis, but a cow teat. On February 12, police were notified that a dismembered penis was found near the vacuum cleaner at a Hastings carwash. Immediately they launched a possible homicide investigation and rushed the supposed penis off to the Nebraska State Patrol Crime Lab for further testing. Happily for almost everyone, Dr. Mathias Okoye confirmed that the tissue was of "bovine origin" and was in fact a teat that had been severed from a live cow (the cow was the one who was probably not happy about it). Infuriatingly, Police Chief Larry Thoren doesn't seem to give a crap about the poor cow and considers the case "closed." Even more infuriatingly, he has refused to provide us with any pictures. The big dumb teat!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28
And while this story doesn't contain severed members or cow teats, it is another classic example of justice NOT being served! You may remember the sad tale of Haitian immigrant Abner Louima who got a taste of how great America is after he was arrested and raped with a broomstick by four cops. Louima spent two months in the hospital after suffering a ruptured bladder and colon and, while the lead cop got thirty years in the can for the crime, today a federal appeals court overturned the convictions of the other three. Two of the men were dismissed for insufficient evidence, and the third is getting a new trial because he was "denied effective assistance of counsel." Rev. Al Sharpton accused the court of saying that, in effect, only one cop was needed to hold the man down and rape him with a broomstick, "and that is not only not the evidence, but physically impossible." Taking a differing viewpoint was Joseph Tacopina, the attorney for one of the dismissed cops. "Justice has been served," he crowed. "Hopefully now [the three officers] can resume their normal lives and even possibly return to the force." Sure, why not? Then we can award them with the "Golden Broomstick" medal (or was that the "Cross of the Ruptured Colon"?).
FRIDAY, MARCH 1
According to The Washington Post, "President Bush has dispatched a shadow government of about 100 senior civilian managers to live and work secretly outside Washington, activating for the first time, long-standing plans to ensure survival of federal rule after a catastrophic attack on the nation's capital." This gets our goat for two reasons: one, we happen to know that Benicio Del Toro was not chosen to be one of the protected brethren, and two, What The Fuck Is A Shadow Government? We didn't elect these people! "Senior civilian managers?" Who are they, managers of Pizza Huts? The CEO of GE? The road manager for Gladys Knight and The Pips?! We are very very uncomfortable with these people taking over the government in the event of a cataclysmic act of terror. This is exactly the sort of government that makes that "well-armed militia" thing seem reasonable.
SATURDAY, MARCH 2
Cash in your Dodo Land tickets and take down your dodo banners, plans for a Jurassic Park-style dodo extravaganza have been put on hold. The New York Times announced today that Oxford University scientists have been unable to extract DNA from their dodo specimen that would allow for resurrection. The public outcry of dismay has been dodo-deafening.
SUNDAY, MARCH 3
The New York Times reported today that Billy Graham has apologized for calling Jews "an evil race who must be murdered in droves at all costs." Okay. He didn't say THAT. He was just kvetching with Richard Nixon about how he thought all the Jewish folks controlled the news media and happened to say while being tape recorded, "This strangle-hold has got to be broken, or this country's going down the drain." (Don't you just LOVE it when new Nixon tapes get released??)
"You believe that?" Nixon asked in response.
"Yes, sir," Graham said.
"Oh, boy. So do I," Nixon said. "I can't ever say that, but I believe it."
"No, but if you get elected a second time, then we might be able to do something," Graham said.
Can you believe these evil motherfuckers???! Are they self-absorbed dangerous twits, or what? But it's okay! Because Graham apologized (and Nixon's dead!). Even though he claims he doesn't remember the conversation. Isn't that big of him? He's so GREAT. Everyone thinks so. Especially W.