Three cheers and a tip o' the hat to One Day Hot Tipper John Figler, who was the first of many to shed light on the mysterious story of "firemen shoving racquetballs into their butts." As those who joined us last week no doubt recall, a good friend of a friend of ours had seen the story on local news, but we were unable to find any reference to the firemen (at least not the kind that shove racquetballs up their butts). Happily, good Samaritan Figler has a nose for news and sent us the following story from the Denver Post. You'd think it would take a lot to knock firemen off the lofty pedestal they've been sitting on since 9/11--yet, all it took was a game of "butt ball." Fifteen members of the Littleton, CO Fire Department have been investigated, and two suspended, after officials discovered they had been forcing members to wash the dishes while holding a racquetball inbetwixt their ass cheeks. Calling the game "butt ball," the firefighters would each throw a rubber ball at some windchimes, and if they missed, would be forced to wash the dishes in the manner previously described. And yes, they took PHOTOS. Two of the firefighters were suspended for two shifts without pay and made to take a sensitivity class called "Leadership Through Influence." Bob Truhlar, a lawyer specializing in harassment cases, noted that forcing employees to play "a game that involved disrobing" at work could mean that "the leadership courses aren't effective." Which in itself is so hilarious, there is little need for further comment.
TUESDAY, MARCH 26
So. After reading that last story, would you say boys are taught to engage in weird behavior, or is it a genetic condition? Those who believe in "nurture" over "nature" may want to consider the following story before making up their minds: According to the Austin American-Statesman, police are investigating a report that five fourth-grade boys had performed oral sex on each other--during class. TWICE. Officials at the Marble Falls Elementary School in Texas confirmed that the incidents took place during "free reading time," in which both teachers and students were supposed to be reading. The boys (all are between nine and 10 years old) convened at the beanbag chairs in the back of the room and covered their heads with their coats in order to mask their oral proclivities. Naturally, some other kid in the class narced on them, and the boys were suspended and placed into "alternative education." Hmmff! If you ask us, these kids have already had enough "alternative education" to last 'til they're at least 13. Regardless, police are investigating the matter to discern whether any of the kids were using coercion to gain sexual favors, or if they were re-enacting behavior they had learned elsewhere. Now, if you ask us, it's obviously the latter. Anyone who has ever seen a '70s porn movie can tell you: whenever you see a beanbag chair, you know something dirty is about to happen.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27
Today was a big day for celebrity deaths. And as we all know, celebrity deaths come in threes, because celebrities are so egotistical that God likes to punish them by upstaging them with at least two other deaths. So who were the big three? Well! Starting it off early this morning was 66-year-old actor/musician Dudley Moore. And while many stupid and thoughtless Mercury employees assumed he had died from drinking, in actuality, Moore succumbed due to complications from a rare, incurable brain disorder called Progressive Supranuclear Palsy, which attacks brain cells and affects motor skills. Moore had also suffered four strokes, a heart attack, and because of a 1998 divorce, died alone. Mercury employees we hope you're satisfied. Number two on the celebrity death parade was 93-year-old comedian Milton Berle, who Mercury employees assumed died of old age and a "large cock." This time they were right. He was old and had a large cock. But here's the most shocking celebrity death of all: The death of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake's relationship! As most fans of One Day know, Britney has violently denied any allegations made about their shaky romance (even while Justin was canoodling with a brunette hottie at an L.A. nightclub--and in plain view of that bitch Christina Aguilera!). However, when asked today by the British press about the "intensity" of her relationship, Britney replied, "I would not say I was in an intense relationship with anyone at the moment." Waaah!! Poor Brit! However, there's a silver lining to every sad story and, in this case, Britney should thank her lucky stars that she's not country singer Lyle Lovett, who also had a bad day after being trampled by a bull.
THURSDAY, MARCH 28
Lyle's okay, though. He just broke a thumb and his leg. Meanwhile in Japan, the government is predicting a massive economic downfall unless its citizens start working less and having more babies! According to a recent poll, many of Japan's twenty- and thirty-somethings have decided not to have children in order to focus on their careers. In fact, 52 percent of young women and 40 percent of young men "shunned marriage and child-rearing as sources of fulfillment." And to the government, not enough babies means not enough future workers to cover health and insurance costs for the old folks! Which could also mean an eventual economic collapse! See, it just goes to show if George W. was really smart, he'd secure diplomatic relations with Japan by shipping over our old, unwanted babies. According to our sister, she has two she wouldn't mind sending right now.
FRIDAY, MARCH 29
The government's undeclared war against fat kids continues. Last week, Texas decided to reinstate gym class in elementary schools. Now a California lawmaker has proposed slapping a tax on soda pop. Clearly, it's not fat kids the government really has the problem with--it's POOR fat kids. The bill would raise the cost of a 12-ounce can an estimated two cents, which may not seem the world to you, but is a lot to a poor fat kid. We say, LEAVE THE POOR FAT KIDS ALONE, Government! Why are you always taunting us? I mean them.
SATURDAY, MARCH 30
Another death? What is GOING ON???! Britain's Queen Mum died in her sleep today. She was 101. The English, ever polite, pretended to be surprised. The Queen Mum was beloved by her subjects for refusing to leave the side of her husband during the Blitz, despite being offered exile in Canada. She was BELOVED for this? Who among us would EVER accept exile in CANADA? She was probably OFFENDED they even offered. In any case, we're sure she was gentle about it and RSVPd graciously.
SUNDAY, MARCH 31
Every week, we receive letters from all over the world, most of them seeking an explanation as to the origin of Easter. We thought we would take this opportunity to address the enormous outpouring of interest in this issue.
First of all, the name for Easter comes from the Hebrew Word "pesah," or Passover, and was first associated with the Hebrew feast of Passover. (At least this is what we read on the internet.) The early Christian churches celebrated Easter at different times, until they finally got it together in 325 A.D., and the Council of Nicaea fixed the day as the first Sunday after the first full moon after March 21. Easter always falls between March 22 and April 25. If someone tries to tell you Easter is in May, he's lying. It is believed that the council probably set the date of Easter to fall near the time of a full moon so that pilgrims journeying to worship a shrine might have moonlight to help them find their way. This was WAY before streetlights. Or even glow sticks. Today in the Christian countries, Easter is celebrated as the religious holiday commemorating the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the alleged Son of God.
Although celebrated as a religious holiday, many of the customs and legends are actually pagan in origin and have nothing to do with Christianity. These pagan elements are actually what we know as "the best part" of Easter, such as the Easter Bunny, a symbol of fertility (bunny, get it?), and colored Easter eggs, originally painted with bright colors to represent the sunlight of spring, and used in Easter egg rolling contests or given as gifts. The origin of PEEPS is a complete mystery. Next week: The origin of May Day!