Confidential message to Matthew Hooker: If you're looking to sue One Day at a Time? Get in line, pal! Long time readers of One Day may remember an item we printed awhile back about Mr. Hooker and his ahh infatuation with starlet Nicole Kidman. Seems the gentleman was under the impression that Nicky had flirted with him and was considering co-starring alongside Hooker in a movie he had written. He then took this incorrect impression to mean it was okay to start showing up at her house unannounced at all hours of the night. However, when Hooker was presented with a restraining order, he blew his wig and started a website called BoycottNicoleKidman.com. This of course generated a lot of excess media coverage (a bandwagon on which we were extremely pleased to jump on). Well, today Candidate Hooker--did we mention he was also running for President?--has filed a $200 million defamation suit against Kidman and at least 80 newspapers, magazines, and TV shows, who he claims have wrongly accused him of being "a stalker." On his other website, matthooker.com, he says he's been depicted as "mentally unstable or disturbeda threat to women and children everywherea perverted stalker." However, he goes on to claim that the opposite is true, and he is actually "handsome, culturedcivilized." He also hopes to "find and marry my Great Love before being elected President," because it is only with her support that he'll be able to carry out his weighty duty, especially "during the times when I will need to make significant changes in the way society operates." See, Nicole? He's not the crazy one! YOU ARE!! (And we're not just saying that just because we have more pending lawsuits than R. Kelly.)
TUESDAY, MAY 7
In extremely surprising news, a report released today at a Pediatric Academic conference in Baltimore, seems to be in complete agreement with the wild ravings of our eccentric Aunt Fanny. According to a lengthy monologue delivered by Fanny over last Christmas dinner, "these young girls and their piercings can't lead to nothing but trouble"--and as it turns out, a study made by Dr. Timothy Roberts says Fanny is absolutely right! In information gleaned from nearly 4,600 teens aged 12-19, "females with body piercings were about two and a half times more likely to have sex, two and a half times more likely to have smoked, two and a half times more likely to have used marijuana in the past month, and almost two times as likely to have skipped school in the past year." The report also notes that boys who have piercings were five times as likely to have skipped school and had higher risks for smoking and drinking--but c'mon. They were going to do that anyway. Regardless, on behalf of all the young ladies in America, we'd like to thank Dr. Roberts for his report and for perpetuating the age-old practice of judging women by their appearance, giving our fathers (and Aunt Fanny's) another reason to call us bimbos, whores, and sluts.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 8
Sometimes people write in asking, "Ann, when are you going to let the Nader-Traitors off the hook?" Funny you should ask! Because we were just thinking those poor unthinking fools had gotten enough ass-kickings from yours truly--that is until today, when another glacier snapped off in Antarctica and the Bush administration came out in favor of more permissive gun laws. The glacier in question, which has been estimated to be roughly ten times the size of Manhattan, is the second such "calving" in two months, and has been largely blamed on the U.S. being the world's largest emitter of greenhouse gasses. President Bush continues to assert there hasn't been enough proof to cut back on corporations and vehicles that choke the atmosphere with the stuff every freaking day. Also, it was bad news today for people who dislike being shot by guns, as the Bush Administration argued to the Supreme Court that every citizen should have the right to bear arms. This is in direct opposition to previous administrations who interpreted the Second Amendment as saying it was a "collective right," as in state-sponsored militias. According to Michael Barnes, president of the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence, "It's a terrible setback Eighty people a day die from gun violence and to have an administration that is so pro-gun is just tragic." It wasn't tragic for the NRA and major polluters, however, who spent the day shooting guns, emitting greenhouse gasses, and kissing their life-sized posters of Ralph Nader. (But really we don't blame anyone.)
THURSDAY, MAY 9
But enough depressing news! It's time to "turn that frown upside down" with an uplifting story from America's heartland. As you know, we've been breathlessly following the Davenport Mad Bomber story where someone has been blowing up mailboxes with pipebombs in Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, and Texas. And as it turns out? The felon was only trying to make people happy! When the accused 21-year-old art student was picked up--after being narc'd on by his dad, no less--he admitted to an officer that he was placing his bombs in a particular design, so when one looked at a map of the U.S., one would see a "smiley face." And who knows? Perhaps his nation-wide campaign to cheer up America would've worked--had he not injured four mail carriers and two residents. And while the prosecutor for the case claimed, "It's apparent to me that he suffers from some apparent mental health problems," since when is it suddenly a crime to be HAPPY? Huh? Answer us that!
FRIDAY, MAY 10
The cinema/olfactory community wept today, after learning that one of Hollywood's great innovators, Michael Todd, Jr. had died at his rural Irish mansion. The son of Elizabeth Taylor-ex Mike Todd (whose death drove her into the arms of Eddie Fisher, thereby breaking up the marriage of Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, thoroughly embittering their daughter Carrie, who would eventually channel that bitterness into the sardonic Princess Leia, captivating and inspiring a generation of girls), Michael Jr. is credited with producing the only movie ever filmed in "Smell-o-Vision." Summarily dismissed by critics as a "lame-assed gimmick," "Smell-o-Vision" was, in fact, an artistic breakthrough of mammoth import. Basically it worked like this: tiny tubes beneath the filmgoers' seats piped in smells that correlated to scenes in the movie. Food! Pipe smoke! Etc! While "Smell-o-Vision" did not catch on, its influence is nevertheless responsible for much of John Waters' career.
SATURDAY, MAY 11
The New York Times reported today that Hanssen has been sentenced to life in prison for spying for Moscow. Teen fans of the trio's hit "Mmm Bop" were reportedly apoplectic and distraught. What will they do next? Try the Backstreet Boys for genocidal war crimes at The Hague? When will this madness end?
SUNDAY, MAY 12
According to The New York Times, American women are beginning to suspect that motherhood is a crock. We know. We were shocked, too. But you know those über-cute Stepford mommies who show up at the Irving Park pug day with their just-so pugs and their just-so coiffed tresses and their just-so babies in their just-so French baby clothes? You know how they are always just SO deliriously content and complete? Well, according to The New York Times, these women are ACTING. The truth is that many of these women are lonely, bored, and without a friend in the world. Sometimes they fantasize about just turning around and walking away from the pug and the baby and the Subaru and heading off to Austin or El Paso and just getting a plot of land and maybe starting some sort of shoe store. They just pretend to be crazy in love with their baby-centric life because society is suspicious of any mother who admits the postpartum, depressed, sleep-deprived reality. What? Pressure associated with having a screaming, uncommunicative, attention-demanding creature for whom you are legally responsible? No! It's all laughing gas and applesauce! Mothers LOVE babies! Mothers would give up EVERYTHING for their babies. All they ask for in return is one thing: a Mother's Day card. (Don't worry; you can still call. Just say you were in rehab.)