TUESDAY, MAY 21 Did you forget to vote today? Well, apparently 58 percent of you did, and while we're not going to bust your nuts, just remember that non-voters get exactly what they deserve as this next story will prove.
It was "Cover Your Ass!" day in Washington, D.C. as everyone in the Bush Administration issued individual warnings that more terrorist attacks are on the way. This is, of course, in response to last week's accusations that Bush and the gang sat on their hands after receiving information that could have possibly stopped the attacks of September 11. But instead of just admitting they could've been more careful, the Bush camp is retaliating by issuing a warning whenever someone happens to notice a Burger King bag blowing down the street. Here are some of the Administration's greatest hits of the week:
"There will be another terrorist attack. We will not be able to stop it."--FBI Director Robert Mueller
"We have to recognize that terrorist networks have relationships with terrorist states that have weapons of mass destruction, and they would not hesitate one minute in using them."--The always long-winded Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
"The al-Qaida still exists, they still hate America and any other country which loves freedom, and they want to hurt us. They're nothing but a bunch of cold-blooded killers."--President George W. Bush
"Or maybe they're just mad because you're stupid and boring them to death?"--The honorable Ann Romano
WEDNESDAY, MAY 22 Though the case was practically forgotten after the events of September 11, the strange disappearance of political intern Chandra Levy made national news again today, after her remains were discovered in a Washington, D.C. park. Once again stumbled upon by the ubiquitous "man walking his dog"--although this particular witness also had the distinction of "looking for turtles at the time"--Levy's skull and bones were found alongside her jogging bra, tennis shoes and other items in Rock Creek Park, which is about four miles away from her apartment. Officials are stopping short of calling it a murder until test results are confirmed, which should be sometime next week. The case also led to the dismissal of Rep. Gary Condit, who had admitted to having an affair with the woman, but denied having anything to do with her disappearance. And although Condit has been "publicly ruined" by the experience, it could still be said that Chandra got the worse end of the deal.
THURSDAY, MAY 23 Meanwhile, in religious news, we find ourselves uncomfortably agreeing for once with the American Family Assoc-iation. The Christian group has called for an email protest and boycott of clothing chain Abercrombie & Fitch for selling thong underwear designed for 7-to-14-year-olds, some of which are emblazoned with the phrases "eye candy" and "wink wink." Now we're all for treating children like adults, but the last thing a 7-year-old needs to be worrying about is panty lines. And speaking of pedophilia the Vatican issued a statement today lambasting Jennifer Aniston, Naomi Campbell, and Catherine Zeta-Jones for "inappropriately wearing crosses as jewelry." According to the sharp-eyed Catholics, "there is a spreading fashion of wearing crosses decorated with diamonds and other precious stones." They then go on to wonder, "Is it relevant with the spirit of the gospels to spend thousands to buy a sacred symbol of Christianity and then, in an un-Christian manner, forget perhaps those that suffer and die of hunger in the world?" Hmmm a good point. We also wonder if it's relevant with the spirit of the gospels to feed the world's hungry and then perhaps forget that your dick is still inside a 9-year-old choirboy? Maybe these guys should design clothes for Abercrombie & Fitch.
FRIDAY, MAY 24 The Associated Press reported today that the Pentagon admitted for the first time that chemical and biological weapons were tested on Navy ships in the 1960s. What the fuck, you say? Let us explain. It turns out the Pentagon had just gobs of the deadly nerve gas sarin, as well as other icky bad-for-you toxins, and was curious how said poisons might affect a large group of strapping, totally hot, probably gay men in uniform. So the Pentagon fat cat big wigs decided to spray a bunch of it on Navy ships to see, basically, what would happen. The good news is that if you think you might have been experimented on by the U.S. government, you might be eligible for FREE HEALTH BENEFITS!! Just contact your congressperson. That is, if they haven't cut out your voice box after it was destroyed by cancer.
SATURDAY, MAY 25 Speaking of creepy government stuff, the AP reports that as visitors to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island board a ferry from Manhattan, a new surveillance system is taking their pictures and comparing them to a database of terror suspects compiled by the federal government. The facial recognition technology searches 1 million images a second. The government has not said what they're doing with the zillions of portraits they're taking of people who are NOT terrorists and whether, for instance, they will start reporting overdue library books. We are planning on returning that copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People tomorrow. We swear. In any case, we refuse to take part in this vast data network. The next time we visit Lady Liberty, we're wearing a burqa.
SUNDAY, MAY 26 The government might not be responsible for the following, but it did happen in Washington, D.C. CNN reported today that several dozen people were injured when fans stampeded the "mosh pit" at an Eminem concert. The mosh pit? Do people still DO that? Have people been doing it all along? Or was it out, and now it's back? Do people actually mosh at hiphop shows? Is that welcome? Isn't it sort of silly? Like doing the box step at a Dead show? If moshing is not over, it should be. So stop it. Stop the moshing. No more moshing. We mean it. If you do it, we'll know. We're putting the kibosh on the mosh.