TUESDAY, JUNE 11 Meanwhile, it was "good news and bad news" for the geezers of rock 'n' roll today. The good news? Wedding bells pealed for octogenarian rocker Paul McCartney in Ireland today, as he married a one-legged model by the name of Heather Mills. Wait a second What are you getting mad about? So we happened to notice that she's only got one leg. That's a crime now? We're some kind of amputee hate criminal? So what you're saying is, that it's perfectly okay for that asshole Frank Cassano to make all the jokes he wants about Sandra Bullock and Michael J. Fox, but we can't make a casual observation that Paul McCartney's new wife is a peg-leg? Fine. Let's just drop it then. Now where were we? Oh, yes. The bad news. For those die-hard (and tye-died) fans of the Grateful Dead, the first reunion concert without Jerry Garcia scheduled to take place in East Troy, Wisconsin in early August has been cancelled. The reason? Well, it's pretty obvious isn't it? Having a Grateful Dead reunion concert in your town is like inviting an army of lice and scabies into your new hairdo. And in this case, it's the equivalent of inviting 250,000 lice armies, as each has made a permanent nesting place in the dread-locked filthy scalps of the deadheads who would certainly be in attendance. However, for those disappointed fans who were dousing themselves in patchouli to prepare for the celebration, all is not lost. One Day has just received word that the concert will now be taking place on the same date at the Nevada Nuclear Waste Dump, 200 miles outside of Reno. If you see a sign saying "Hippie Relocation Camp" you're in the right place!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12 The state-run Beijing Evening News started their day with egg on their face, after being forced to run a retraction for reprinting a story originally run in America's premier humor newspaper The Onion. Like most reports in The Onion, the story claiming that "U.S. lawmakers are threatening to pull out of Washington, unless a fancy new Capitol is built" was intended for laughs. But unfortunately, no one told the most popular paper in Beijing, who ran the story as if it were the God's truth. And while today's retraction noted the story's "factual inconsistencies," they went on to lambaste certain American media outlets. According to the Beijing Evening News, "Some small American newspapers frequently fabricate offbeat news to trick people into noticing them, with the aim of making money." Hmmmm remember what we said on Wednesday about the Grateful Dead concert taking place at a nuclear waste dump? That wasn't true. We're sorry.
THURSDAY, JUNE 13 Oh my goodness, it's hot today! What is it? Like 100 degrees? That's HOT! And while we tried to concentrate on stories about how the U.S. Catholic Bishops made a mass apology for all the priests who had sexually molested kids, or how President Bush figured out another way to relax air pollution rules for utility companies, or even how Winona Ryder plead innocent to shoplifting charges, it was so hot today the only thing we could do was invite over our friends, strip down to our panties and bras, lie on the couch, and watch male gay porn. And you know what? We don't care who knows it. WE LOVE MALE GAY PORN. And we especially love to eat bowls of Cheetos while watching male gay porn, and if our hubby Kip shows up? We send him outside to mow the lawn. And then we imagine what it would be like to shoot a male gay porn starring Kip and his poker buddies, and when he walks back in from mowing the lawn, we laugh and laugh, and he gets really angry. Anyway, that's what we like to do on a hot day. Watch male gay porn. What do you like to do?
FRIDAY, JUNE 14 A federal judge declined today to block the sale of remnants from the atomic bomb dropped over Hiroshima. The two arming mechanisms from the A-bomb dropped by the Enola Gay had been ferreted away by an Enola Gay crewmember and sold by Butterfield's auction house on Tuesday. The government had tried at the last minute to block the sale. Happily, the bit of macabre genocidal history will now be allowed to travel to its new owner, described only as "a San Diego man." The man paid $167,000 for the bombing mechanisms, about $1.19 for every Japanese person killed.
SATURDAY, JUNE 15 Today, The Oregonian reported that a marauding band of hyped-up hooligans has stolen one of the Kows for Kids. We know. This brings to mind all sorts of questions. Like, how could anyone get motivated to steal something so heavy on the hottest day of the year? And does this have anything to do with those crop circles in Iowa? The Kow, unfortunately named "Daze of Kows and Roses," was stolen from right in front of Keller Auditorium. How did the thieves abscond with the 80-pound fiberglass creature? Did they load it in a truck? Did they bungee cord it onto the top of a Subaru wagon? Did they RIDE it out of there? Do you know a group of drunken frat boys who recently came upon a bovine mascot? And, the most important question of all: If you find the Kow, do you get to keep it?
SUNDAY, JUNE 16 Well you can all rest easy, because they found the Kow! It was spotted by a good Samaritan "postpartum doula" (what ever the HELL that IS), abandoned near the corner of SW 14th and Montgomery (the Kow, not the doula). The Kows for Kids had already been contacted by a lawyer representing a group of "several men in their 20s" who will BURN IN HELL for what they did. The "men in their 20s," who are described as "not attending school" are hoping to get off with reparation, but we say that there is NO punishment harsh enough. You men in your 20s! With your pants and your hats! With your slacker attitudes! With your food! You need to shape up. You men. You are going to ROT FOR ALL ETERNITY.