MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Perhaps we were out window shopping or entertaining friends from Europe at the time, but for some unfathomable reason we totally missed attending last week's Weight Watchers Super Meeting at the Oregon Convention Center. Happily, one of our good friends from the Tribune was in attendance--and yes, she was working and is svelte enough to bypass those delicious, calorie-counting frozen entrees. Nevertheless, she told us all about it. However, there is a good possibility we will never stop kicking ourselves for missing this golden opportunity, because as it turns out, Fergie was there! That's right Sarah, the Duchess of York has put down the pudding and is power-walking all across America as the official spokesmodel for Weight Watchers. And according to those in attendance, she looked absolutely stunning, luv! Though she was quick to sing the praises of Weight Watchers for helping her drop that excess shepherd's pie, Fergie didn't forget who helped her keep her weight off--the British press. "They obliterated me," she said of the tabloids who would took regular potshots at the plumpness of her derrière. After her 10-year marriage to Prince Andrew, she said she fell into a "downward spiral" accompanied by such stalwart companions as "sausages, mayonnaise, and egg salad sandwiches." And though she may look amazing now, at the time the Brits were fond of calling her the "Duchess of Pork" and referring to her in headlines as "Fat, Selfish, Greedy Fergie" and "82 Percent Would Rather Sleep with a Goat." Okay, that was mean but this is certainly an occasion where humor trumps cruelty.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 And speaking of the Brits Is Prime Minister Tony Blair in love with President Bush, or what? While the rest of the world is rolling their eyes regarding Bush's plan to blow Iraq back to the stone age (yes, we know it wouldn't be a long trip), Blair has been agreeing with everything Bush says, and is making goo-goo eyes at him like a lovesick puppy. Today, in an all-too-obvious attempt at wooing the Prez, Blair stood in front of a special session of Parliament to unveil an intelligence dossier stating that Saddam Hussein has a growing arsenal of chemical and biological weapons, which he intends on using--perhaps in the next 45 minutes. "Iraq, the region, and the whole world would be better off without Saddam Hussein," the P.M. stated, probably wondering if he was looking fat on television. What we love the most about these Parliament meetings is all the "harrrrummphing" and banging of books that always seems to occur. One member of the Liberal Democrats opposition harrrummphed, "For those of us who have never subscribed to British unilateralism, we are not about to sign up to American unilateralism either." This, of course, is the proper English way of saying, "Tony, if you love Bush so much, just kiss him, and leave us out of it."
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 Far less interesting are our Senate debates which involve very little book banging, and only the occasional "harrrummph." However, Democratic Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle did look like he was going to have an aneurysm today after President Bush accused the Democrats of catering to special interests instead of helping him wipe out Iraqis. "We ought not politicize this war," Daschle said, coming very close indeed to a "harrrummph," and demanded that the President "apologize to the American people." Now, see he almost had us on his side, until he said that last part. Bush is obviously making a conscious effort to use his stance on Iraq to rally support for the upcoming November election, and regain Republican majority rule in the Senate. However, that's just what politicians do, and to apologize for it would seem disingenuous. So if we were Daschle, we might just send Bush an email saying, "You know what, George? What you said really made me feel bad. And just because we disagree with you on a couple of incidents of proposed mass destruction, we would really appreciate it if you could take it easy when you talk about us publicly. Democrats have feelings, too. Yours with respect for your continued emotional well-being, Tom Daschle."
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 And speaking of delivering the political smackdown, here's one you probably thought you'd never hear: Republican Senator Gordon Smith of Oregon has been accused of being a lover of homosexuals. According to today's Oregonian, the washed-up leader of the OCA, Lon Mabon, has labeled Smith as pro-gay in the first of what we hope are many hilarious radio ads. Mabon, who has sponsored countless homo-hating state initiatives, is now throwing his pointy hat into the ring and running for the U.S. Senate as a member of the scary-sounding Constitution Party. And in an attempt to unseat the very conservative Sen. Smith, Mabon is going for the "more-conservative-than-thou" tactic of calling the Senator a fag hag. "If you vote for Gordon Smith, you're voting to advance homosexuality," the radio spot stated, referring to the Senator's co-sponsorship of a hate-crimes bill. And while we're certainly in favor of Smith's "advancement of homosexuality," we still don't think we're going to vote for him. We haven't advanced homosexuality since our junior year at Brown (her name was Tiffani), and kind of feel out of practice.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 This just in from The Oregonian: Britney put out. Yes, for those of you who, like us, are haunted day and night by the dubious state of Britney Spears' cherry, rest easy! Justin Timberlake has confirmed--yes, confirmed--on a radio talk show that he "shared bedroom intimacy with ex-girlfriend Britney." "Shared bedroom intimacy." Could this not also mean: whispered secrets while cuddling on the duvet? NO. It is very CLEAR. They screwed their little hearts out. He practically said it OUTRIGHT. Besides, it must be true, because when we went to double-check our facts on The Oregonian website, the story had been EXCISED from the People Column! CENSORSHIP. Clear evidence of the story's absolute veracity, and of the long arm of Britney Spears' fierce management team. "I'm dirty," Justin said on the show. "I'm in so much damn trouble, man." Is it any wonder that a young fan of Justin's was killed just weeks ago by a "drunken driver" while waiting outside a radio station where he was to be appearing? They're after YOU, Justin. Britney is going to take you down; just like she took down Cobain.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 The New York Times reported today that it is still NOT okay to toss dwarves in France. Manuel Wackenheim, 35, a 3-foot, 9-inch dwarf, argued against a standing French ban on dwarf-tossing, saying that it had deprived him of a living being hurled about bars by husky men. The United Nations Human Rights Committee disagreed and decided to uphold the ban, citing the need to protect "human dignity." Mr. Wackenheim, who said that there were no jobs for dwarves in France, was saddened by the outcome, but felt sure that his case was on the, ahem, short list for appeal.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 According to the Associated Press, Police investigating murdered intern Chandra Levy's death want to give a second lie detector test to a creepy convict who's in prison for attacking two women in the same park where Levy's remains were found. (We're no Ricardo Tubbs, but jeepers he sounds suspicious.) Police questioned the creepy convict last year after Levy disappeared, but ruled him out as a suspect after he passed a lie detector test, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that cops need to watch more NYPD Blue. Police are now saying that there were possible problems with the first test, because the creepy convict speaks Spanish, and an English-speaking polygraph technician was used, meaning both his questions and the Spanish-speaking creepy convict's answers had to pass through an interpreter. Gosh. Perhaps someone who speaks Spanish should administer the second test? Or we can, if you need someone to ask him about margaritas.