MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 Boozy former Baywatch star David Hasselhoff came clean today in TV Guide when he publicly admitted that he was an out-of-control lush. "I once thought about writing a book called The Minibar and Me," Hasselhoff said. "[I'd be] social drinking, having fun and damn, I'd just have a blackout." Not only did he confirm a report from the National Enquirer accusing him of almost perishing from alcohol poisoning, he also confirmed that he was found unconscious and trashed out of his gourd in a Marriott Hotel, surrounded by a cornucopia of empty mini-bar bottles. "I woke up going, 'This is rock bottom,'" he said. That may not be completely true, as the 50-year-old former hunk has yet to complete his latest made-for-TV movie with Pamela Anderson, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding. Meanwhile The New York Post reported today about a prank phone caller who got the Mattel toy company to practically admit that their "Harry Potter" vibrating broomstick is in actuality a dildo for the pre-pubescent set! After noticing that many of the buzzing toys were being purchased by teenage girls, the British comic who calls himself "The Serial Caller" rang up the Mattel customer service division to "complain." "I got a daughter, she's 16," the prankster lied to the Mattel rep. "I come home the other day, I find her in bed with the Harry Potter broomstick between her legs!" When the flustered customer rep said that the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 broomstick was intended for younger children, the caller yelled, "That's even SICKER! I don't think that that's what J.K. Rowling had in mind." Caught in a web of irrefutable logic, the mentally disemboweled rep admitted, "You're right." Needless to say, this is infuriating news. Especially in light of the fact that the Nimbus 2000 broomstick costs $19.99, and you can buy a Lisa Frank-style tiger-striped vibrator for beginners at Good Vibrations for only $18! And take it from us, girls: compared to that broomstick? This tiger really packs a punch!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 1 Whoopsy! You know it's gonna be a bad day when you've been bitching and moaning about Saddam Hussein's biological weapons--and it turns out YOU'RE the one who provided them! According to the Associated Press, government records indicate that back in the '80s, when the United States supported Iraq in its war against Iran, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) sent strains of germ samples to several Iraqi sites that U.N. weapons inspectors say were part of Hussein's biological weapons program. These germs can be used to make such nasties as anthrax, botulinum toxin, and gas gangrene (ewwww!). Even better? They also sent over samples of a strain of the West Nile virus. "I don't think it would be accurate to say the United States government deliberately provided seed stocks to the Iraqis' biological weapons programs," said Jonathan Tucker, formerly of the U.N. biological weapons division. "But they did deliver samples that Iraq said had a legitimate public health purpose, which I think was naîve to believe, even at the time." Another person pointing out that the U.S. was dumb was Democratic Senator Robert Byrd, who noted that America now finds itself in the uncomfortable position of possibly having provided the key ingredients for weapons we are now setting about to destroy. Or, as Alanis Morissette might put it, "Isn't it ironic DON'T 'CHA THINK?"

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 2 However, it's not as ironic as "meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beee-yu-tiful wife." But we digress. Something that is decidedly UN-ironic is the truly sad and horrific tale of the man from Milwaukee who was beaten to death this week by a mob of children under the age of 15. According to authorities, it all started when a 14-year-old struck 36-year-old Charlie Young Jr. with an egg. Young hit the kid in the mouth, knocking out a tooth. Six of the boy's friends then joined the fray, chasing Young back to his house where they then beat him to death with broomsticks, poles and shovels. Today the seven were charged as adults with first-degree reckless homicide. In court, the lawyer of one of the accused boys (a 10-year-old) asked that his client be released to his parents because he is attending school. "He's in the fourth grade," the lawyer said. "Judge, he can't drive a car. I doubt he would be considered a flight risk."

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 3 Martha Stewart, the home decorating maven and suspected android who has found herself in the midst of an insider-trading probe, resigned from the board of the New York Stock Exchange today. As chief executive of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia (oh we're an omnimedia now), her resignation sent stock in her company tumbling to an all-time low of $6.21 per share. Last year the stock was as high as $20.92. However, it was revealed in June that Stewart sold nearly 4,000 shares of ImClone Systems (which we believe also made androids) one day before the company announced it was going belly up. The subsequent investigation has brought unneeded attention to the NYSE, who many believe prompted her to resign. "She's tainted," said North American Management Corp. investment officer Charles Berents. "[NYSE Chairman] Grasso wants to be cleaner than God, so she's got to be tossed overboard." When asked to comment, God noted, "Well if Grasso wants to be cleaner than me, why's he getting rid of Martha Stewart?"

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 4 Today, yours truly was taken into custody by several strapping G-men and forced to undergo several grueling hours of interrogation. As part of Attorney General Ashcroft's campaign against anti-Capitalist activities, the FBI was conducting a sweep of people it believed had considered shoplifting. Apparently, they had store surveillance tape of us suspiciously circling a pair of knee-high, Coach black boots. (We were merely ADMIRING them.) Yes, we had traveled to the shoe section. We might have made comments. It was ALL TALK. When we said that shoplifting could be justified as a redistribution of the wealth in a corrupt marketplace, we were speaking philosophically. In any case, we were freed after seven hours with only a tiny twitch and some minor skin abrasions. In retrospect, we were lucky. No one has seen Winona in three days.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 5 The Maryland sniper struck again today, leading us to wonder if it is perhaps time to catch this person right quick. As we are always helpful and sleuth-like, we have taken the liberty of identifying a prime suspect. Think about it. Who always looks mad? Who has a motive? Who has the connections to pull something off of this magnitude? Subway spokesman Clay Henry. He got un-fat eating subway sandwiches. But is he as famous as Jared? NO. He worked just as hard; lost just as much weight. But it's all Jared Jared Jared. And Clay Henry? He just gets that annoying jingle everywhere he goes. He hears it in his sleep. Henry, Clay Henry. Blah Blah Blah. Of course he's gone Rambo. It's all that preserved Subway meat. Does anyone believe you can eat that stuff everyday for a YEAR and not suffer brain damage?

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 6 The New York Times reported today that the German people are straining to read between the lines of a letter President Bush recently sent German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder. (For those of you who do not subscribe, as we do, to a major German daily like Die Welt, Bush and Schröder have been snitty since Bush neglected to call Schröder after Schröder won a hard-fought election. BUSH was put off by the fact that Schröder won that election mostly due to his lack of support for an American-led war in Iraq, which begs the question: when have Germans ever been anti-war?) Now the Germans think that the letter--which the administration dismissed as a routine communication between governments--IS actually A thinly veiled apology and maybe a map to a hidden cache of Nazi gold. A secret message in a letter? This can only lead to our two great nations BUTTing HEADs.