Everything exciting happened on Thursday this week, but rest assured, that will not stop us from going through the motions with what at first glance may be mistaken as an entertaining column. And while nothing can top what happened on Thursday, Monday did present the One Day offices with some pretty icky Hollywood gossip. According to the Internet Movie Database (or imdb.com), Jennifer "J. LO" Lopez was spotted "raunching it up" with b-friend Ben Affleck on a yacht loaned to them by Motley Crue singer Vince Neil. While we would certainly never set foot on Neil's boat without the benefit of a HAZ-MAT suit, the strumpety Ms. LO was seen strutting around topless, giving her man a "sexy lapdance," and (brace yourself) sucking on Ben Affleck's toes! Brrrrrrr!! Gack! Gack! We can only hope this gag-inducing display was a segment for Celebrity Fear Factor. Meanwhile As reported previously in One Day, actor/lush Nick Nolte was recently arrested in Malibu for driving erratically and swerving into oncoming lanes of traffic. But according to the L.A. County District Attorney's office, Nolte had a little help at the time; GHB (aka "Liquid Ecstasy") was found in his system, which like Roofies (or Rophynol), is categorized as a date-rape drug. This would certainly account for his drooly, disheveled appearance, but what about that absolutely horrific Hawaiian shirt buttoned up to the neck? That's not drug abuse, that's insanity!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 22
Today was okay, but it was certainly no Thursday! However, you may want to read the following tidbit anyway, simply because it clearly demonstrates how the NRA wants to kill you and get away with it. According to an ABC poll released today, an overwhelming number of Americans (73%) would support a "ballistic fingerprinting system" to assist the police in nabbing perpetrators like the pesky Suburban Sniper. The measure would require that guns be fired when they are sold which then would provide authorities with a "ballistic fingerprint" for later identification. This information would quickly lead the cops to anyone who happens to shoot you when you're walking through a Ponderosa parking lot. And even though six out of 10 gun owners are in favor of the measure, guess who hates the idea? The NRA. According to the National Rifle Association's website, the idea is "flawed" because all 200 million firearms in the United States cannot be brought into labs and fired (the measure only states that new guns be tested), and "for lawful gun owners, this scheme is national gun registration." The NRA is against national gun registration because it would interfere with their constitutional right of maintaining a "well-armed militia." And a "well-armed militia" is needed to protect those who voice anti-American sentiments like the NRA and John Allen Muhammad, the accused Suburban Sniper, who you will read more about on Thursday, the most exciting day of the week!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 23
And while Wednesday in the United States was nowhere near as exciting as Thursday, it was super-duper exciting in Moscow (where it may already be Thursday for all we know). Roughly 40 masked Chechen guerrillas stormed a Moscow theater today, taking up to 600 hostages and threatening to blow up the building. (Now, that's exciting.) A terrified hostage speaking by cellphone warned that the police should stay away--or risk disaster. "Lots of explosives," she said, "and we beg you not to shoot, not to storm the building. There are girls next to me with lots of explosives on them. Men with machine guns." A few of the hostages were allowed to escape, and noted that the attackers had beaten some members of the audience and referred to themselves as a "Chechen suicide squad." The former hostages also said the guerrillas had attached explosives to the theater's supporting pillars. According to a pro-rebel website (www.kavkaz.org) Russia has seven days to begin withdrawing from Chechnya or the theater and everyone inside will be blown up. Hmmm "Chechen suicide squad." Is that what the NRA is thinking of when they say "well-armed militia"?
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 24
Nothing interesting happened today. Just kidding! EVERYTHING interesting happened today because it's Thursday and two suspects involved in the Suburban Sniper case were taken into custody. John Allen Muhammad, 42, and his 17-year-old "travelling companion" John Lee Malvo were arrested at a Maryland rest stop in possession of a rifle, a telescopic scope, and a tripod. Their car was also outfitted with a retractable back seat and a hole in the trunk to make shooting people as convenient as possible (a modification the NRA undoubtedly supports). Hours before the capture, Chief Charles A. Moose of the Montgomery County Police issued a statement to the sniper saying, "You have indicated you want us to say and do certain things. You want us to say 'We have caught the sniper like a duck in the noose.' We understand that hearing us say it is important to you." While the confiscated rifle matched the caliber used in the sniper shootings, neither a duck nor a noose was found in the car. Perhaps the duck escaped. If anyone has any information regarding this duck (who may, or may not be wearing a noose) please contact the proper authorities, as he is wanted for questioning.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 25
A jury was chosen today to sit in judgment of Winona Ryder in her shoplifting trial due to start on Monday. The jury of Ms. Ryder's peers, six men and six women, along with three alternates, were all slender, gamine, and doe-eyed. Many had dated guitarists. Okay. You caught us. That's not exactly true. But one Winona peer did make the cut--former Sony studio boss Peter Guber. According to E! News Daily, Guber, who now runs Mandalay Entertainment, raised his hand when Judge Elden Fox asked if anyone was familiar with Ryder. "I was the chairman of Sony Pictures when one of our companies made a film with Ms. Ryder," Guber said. Asked if his prior business relationship with Ryder would influence his judgment, Guber responded, "No, I believe I would be fair and impartial." Earlier, Fox made the jurors take a two-page questionnaire asking things like "Given what you know about Winona Ryder, do you have any feelings of sympathy towards her?" and "Given what you know about Winona Ryder, do you have any feelings of antipathy towards her?" And "Did you pay good money to see Autumn in New York in the theater?" Fox also told the jurors not to watch TV, shop at Saks, or read the Portland Mercury. "It's only for five to seven days," he reasoned. Easy for him to say.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 26
Lock up your medicine cabinet drugs, Gov. Jeb Bush's weird-haired daughter Noelle is out of jail and looking for trouble. Noelle was released from the big house early this morning, 10 days after a judge ordered her locked up for violating terms of her court-ordered drug treatment program. (Something about finding crack hidden in her shoe.) The president's 25-year-old niece had been ordered to attend drug treatment after she was arrested in January for allegedly trying to use a fraudulent prescription to buy the anti-anxiety drug Xanax at a pharmacy. (Honey, you should have called us--we've got more Xanax in our purse than lint covered ibuprofen.) She has since been sent to jail twice for violating terms of that agreement (see the crack/shoe scenario above). Don't worry Noelle, you've still got a good shot at being president.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 27
Do you remember banana seats, gas lines, and Adam Ant? Then you're old enough to remember Walter Mondale. Still don't remember him? No worries. It turns out there will be plenty of opportunities for you to become reacquainted with him! Seems the former Carter VP is being wooed by leading Democrats as a replacement candidate for the recently plane-dead Paul Wellstone in a race that could determine control of the Senate in the new Congress. As federal investigators searched the wreckage of the small plane that carried Wellstone and seven others to their death (Note to investigators: look under the patio behind Ward Weaver's house), Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle and the head of the party's campaign committee both talked with Mondale by phone. The 74-year-old Mondale, who was last spotted losing spectacularly to Reagan in 1984, lives in the Minneapolis area. He is being mum so far about whether he'll run, however, several Democratic Party officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he might be receptive. Where are you, Geraldine Ferraro?