The LA Times-Washington Post Service reported today that a secretive appeals court has cleared the way for the Justice Department to use broad new authority to place wiretaps in your light sockets, listen in on your late-night drunken calls, read your personal work emails, infiltrate your D&D games (That's no barbarian--that's a G-man!) and basically spy on you in any way they see fit. This is all under the guise of surveillance of terrorism--like wiretapping Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was under the guise of surveillance of communism. Want to know what's really icky? It's called the USA Patriot Act. Don't get us wrong. We're against terrorism like we're against hanging cuticles, Fendi knock-offs, and Ben Affleck's career, but giving Ashcroft the power to listen in while we go to town with our Hello Kitty vibrator is just wrong. After you're mysteriously busted for a speck of marijuana (The sunglasses holder? How could they have known?) while sailing along on a highway in your Hummer H2, don't say we didn't warn you.

According to The Oregonian, opening arguments began today in the class-action suit accusing Wal-Mart Stores Inc. for violating federal and state wage laws brought by more than 400 wage slaves from 24 of Wal-Mart's 27 Oregon stores. The wage slaves claim that Wal-Mart forced them to work extra hours without pay. Personally, if we worked at Wal-Mart, we would sue to require them to stock some better labels, like Marc Jacobs and Helmut Lang. Our dermatologist won't even let us near a poly blend, much less let us handle it. But then if we worked at Wal-Mart they'd have a raw food deli, flattering lighting and offer a complimentary brow wax with every Korean stereo system purchase. However, we do not work at Wal-Mart. (We've heard that they don't pay you for overtime!) The Wal-Mart wage slaves are asking for back pay, which attorneys say could total several million dollars. The plaintiffs hope to use their settlement to open a small, independent boutique.

We admit it. The West Wing was over, we had read the current issue of Vogue (featuring article number 89,000 of raggedy old Halle Berry), so we watched the last hour of the season finale of The Bachelor. As even the Masai must know by now, Aaron Buerge dumped Brooke Smith and asked Helene Eksterowicz to marry him. All of our blonde friends were appalled. How could he choose Helene over Brooke? It makes no sense. It is implausible. As Brooke mused in the Loser Limo as she was whisked out of the TV limelight and back to the University of Alabama, "Why didn't he know I was the one for him?" Is this some sort of backlash? our blonde friends wondered. Are we, too, in danger of public humiliation and rejection? Has there been some sort of cultural shift away from platinum???! Helene??! She does not have a highlight on her brunette head! Several blonde women we know are considering low-lights, and STAT. Is this all a plot by Clairol? Is Aaron colorblind? The mind reels.

Michael Jackson dangled his smallest child off a Berlin hotel balcony today. Oh, wait. Did we say dangled? It was more of a hang. No. A suspension. He merely suspended the child above the crowd. Off a fourth-floor balcony. The child was masked with a white hood. Did we say masked? No. It was more a concealment cloak. A soft white cloth. A disguise, for the child's protection. From danger. Surprised by the crowd's aghast reaction --A dangling child! A white hood!--the "pop artist of the millennium" apologized for his "terrible mistake." The dangling. Not the pedophilia. Or maybe he was referring to the fact that he'd named the child "Prince Michael Jackson," which also happens to be the name of his eldest child. It is SO hard to keep track of details when one is distracted by pathological self-mutilation, isn't it?

Dressed in a sensible pleated skirt, a white shirt, a navy blue cardigan, a jaunty red-and-white silk kerchief, and riding boots, England's Princess Margaret went to court today on behalf of her dog Dotty. Dotty, an English Bull Terrier, was on trial for her life after attacking two urchins on bicycles in the park around Windsor Castle. The incident occurred on April 1, two days after the death of the Queen mum, a tragedy that most certainly left Dotty in a state of extreme agitation. (And weren't we ALL devastated?) In the end the court took mercy on Dot, after Princess Anne pleaded guilty to charges of "losing control of her dog" and agreed to enroll Dotty in finishing school. The last senior royal to be convicted of a crime was Charles I, who was beheaded on the eve of the civil war in 1649. The punishment in this case is a small fine.

The punishment when caught with marijuana in your car, however, is a misdemeanor and possible jail time; in addition, your right to ever buy a hydroponic lamp again is revoked for life. This is what the two sexiest Blazers, Damon Stoudamire and Rasheed Wallace, will face for their alleged pot possession. According to the Oregonian, the NBA hotties were speeding along I-5 in the least conspicuous vehicle imaginable, a bright, banana-yellow Hummer H2 driven by 43-year-old Edward Smith--when a highway patrolman pulled them over. He smelled pot in the car, charged them with possession, and yet another scar was added to the Blazers' image--what the Oregonian sternly calls one of "ill-behaving, even law-breaking hooligans." Now, while One Day does not condone hooliganery AT ALL if it is ill-behaved, behaved hooliganery is just fine. And frankly, we think it's quite well mannered that Damon and Rasheed were sharing the cheeba with their old friend Ed. It exhibits a level of humanitarianism we could all learn from. One Day hopes with all our heart that if we ever see Damon or Sheed at a party or driving very fast in a fire-engine red PT Cruiser, the cutest of all the Blazers will be so polite as to share their chronic with us, too.

We are pleased to report that gossip tabloids are predicting that Aaron and Helene will get married about the time we give up our white silk Manalo Blahniks with the rhinestone buckles. (We've made a provision that when we get slid into the crematorium, the Manalos go with us.) It turns out that while the two were quick to get engaged, they think that living in the same city would be rushing it. Helene still lives in New Jersey and says that she would "have to feel really strong about our relationship to be able to go to Springfield," where Aaron lives, and which is in the middle of (shudder) Missouri. Aaron, who insists that he loves Helene, remains optimistic about their blissful future together. Helene remains reticent. Sources tell us that Helene is angry at Aaron because he asked her to lighten her hair. ("Just one blonde streak," he pleaded.) Didn't we tell you it was a fluke, ladies?

The Associated Press reported today that based on the fact that Osama bin Laden's last communication was an audiotape, rather than a videotape, U.S. counter-terrorism officials are almost certain that he has had a Glamour makeover. Word is he's shaved the beard, grown a short 'fro, lost weight through yoga, and given up the turban and camouflage. (We think we may have spotted him at the Blackbird last weekend.) Osama's new look is said to be creating such a buzz in Yemen that he is considering giving up the mass murder gig to pursue his real passion--to be a pop Svengali. Rumor has it he's already sent several boxes of falafel mix and a burka in an attempt to woo Avril Lavigne from her current label. Luckily Ms. Lavigne has not heard of The Middle East or Osama bin Laden (isn't he in Blink 182?) and did not respond to Osama's fan letters.