MONDAY, NOVEMBER 25
Dear Hello Kitty: Remember when we scored 1050 on our SATs, and we told you it was because we had fallen asleep on the desk and drooled a little on the math section? Well, we lied. The truth is we had been up all night shellacking fruit into a self-portrait and were so hopped up on caffeine and Pop Tarts we couldn't tie our shoes that morning, much less accurately fill in circles with a number two pencil. We deserved that 1050. Between you and us, we're just not that bright. But at least we're better off than those 8000 kids in Minnesota who, a couple of years ago, were wrongly told they had bombed a test required for high school graduation. What a bunch of losers! Some missed their graduation because of it, others were forced to attend summer school; all were cruelly ridiculed by their parents, family pets, and friends. People from Minnesota are SO stupid. Then it turned out that the testing company had wrongly scored the tests, and the kids to their panties in a bunch and sued. Guess what? Today we read in the New York Times that they have settled. Each kid will get up to $16,000 (or about four Fendi bags), which if you ask us is SHAMFUL and WRONG. Summer school? That's worth seven Fendi bags at least. Other things we have lied about: Our first kiss. (It wasn't with the PE teacher. It was with driver's ed sub.) When you were lost. (You weren't actually lost. We just forgot to write in you that year.)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 26
Dear Hello Kitty: It is SO HARD being a celebrity. Everyone thinks we're so world-weary, caustic, and Gwyneth Paltrow-cosmopolitan, but you know the truth: inside we are a hopeless romantic with a idealism streak a mile wide. Sure, publicly we may have expressed doubts, but inside we REALLY believed that Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley were truly in love and destined to spend their lives together. Sadly and incredibly, today Cage filed for divorce from his princess, less than four months after their romantic Hawaii wedding. The cause? Those dreaded "irreconcilable differences." Oh how will we ever recover our innocence, Hello Kitty??!! Did you feel this way when ChocoCat broke up with you?
P.S. We are wracked with indecision! An Italian doctor has announced that a woman will give birth to a clone in January, and though he won't release the name, we are almost certain that it is Sophia Loren. Should we go public?
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27
Dear Hello Kitty: Today we heard that President Bush is close to deciding who will get the smallpox vaccine and who won't in the case of a bioterrorist attack. We thought we'd weigh in. Check marks indicate where we believe our list and George's coincide.
People we'd like to see get the Smallpox vaccine:
The Osbournes 3
People we wouldn't:
Aaron Buerge and
Anna Nicole Smith and her "lawyer"
Barbara Bush (jr.) 3
Celine Dion's husband 3
The St. Louis Rams
The kid in the Dell commercials
People with SUVs
People with cheap shoes
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 28
Dear Hello Kitty: Remember when we were 14, and we threatened to kill ourselves by swallowing all that Wet-n-Wild nail polish? And then remember when we were 17 and we got mad at You Know Who and swallowed all that folic acid and NOTHING happened? Well today we read that a study of suicide in China indicates that the best deadly poisons are actually pesticides or rat poison. Folic acid doesn't do shit, Hello Kitty. It's not ACID at all. It's just a dietary supplement. You might have said something. It turns out that 287,000 Chinese kill themselves each year, making it the fifth-largest cause of death in the country--about 62% of them do it with poison. These people clearly do not have outlets for their stress. (Do they not have diaries or racquetball?) We are very, very concerned. Suicide often indicates some sort of root mental problem. What can we do, Hello Kitty? Should we volunteer for a Chinese suicide hotline? Note to self: investigate Mandarin language tapes. Also, buy tampons.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 29
Dear Hello Kitty: You may have noticed that earlier today we ripped out and burned pages 12-23, where we waxed poetic for sometime about the "boyish rakishness" of Ben Affleck. We hope this did not hurt. It was evidence, and had to be destroyed. If ANYONE knew we EVER thought Ben Affleck was a "lean piece of sexy ass," we would just DIE. In our defense, this waxing occurred after a dinner party during which we ingested exactly one bottle of red wine. Today we learned from The Oregonian that Ben Affleck is slated to appear sans clothes in perfume ads for Jennifer Lopez's new man scent, called--aptly--"Man." This after J.LO recorded an ode-to-Ben ballad on her new album. Are these people completely mad? Is Ben drinking again? Did that diamond really cost $1 million? Isn't it time Matt Damon intervened? Not that we care any more. AT ALL.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 29
Dear Hello Kitty, We've taken five Tylenol PMs and still can't sleep a wink. Get this: George Harrison left nearly $155 million in his will. But did he leave anything to us? NO. That wanker didn't know a sitar from a clarinet until we turned him onto that little cult in India Mia Farrow told us about. Then it was "sitar this, sitar that." We could have had Paul. But we thought he was creepy. We had to go falling for George with his sexy hats and clogs. Then he catches us one time with Eric Clapton (we were teaching him to read music--swear!!), and we were out on our Pucci ass. Still, you'd think with $155 million he could have at least kicked us back a few thousand for coming up with the "du du du du" lyric in "Here Comes the Sun." Besides, he owed us. He never did give us back our Sticky Fingers LP, a set of handmade ceramic mugs, and our copy of A Separate Peace. We've written several letters to his widow, but her lawyer just returns them unopened. He can keep the LP and mugs, but that paperback better be in our hands by Hanukkah or we're on the next flight to Henley-on-Thames.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 1
Dear Hello Kitty: People at the Portland Mercury think they are SO SMART. (Wm. Steven Humphrey told us that he got a 1235 on his SATs!) Besides, they are always staring at us and making us water the plants and make the coffee. WHY DO THEY ALL HATE US SO? Do you think it's because of that hair on our chin? We pull it out all the time with tweezers and it just grows BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN. We know they talk about it behind our back. We've seen some of the group emails. Note to self: make electrolysis appointment. Burn diary.