For our unfeeling friends who have been referring to the shoplifting Winona Ryder as "guilty whore," our fave martyred celeb gained some much-needed respect today after confessing she would like to auction off the clothes she had stolen, and donate the money to charity. Ryder camp insiders told the New York Post that she intends to reclaim the clothes she lifted from Saks Fifth Avenue--because, after all, she paid for them. When Ryder was found guilty, the court ordered her to pay restitution to the world-famous department store for the stolen goods, which added up to a princessly sum of $5,500. And rest assured, once Winona puts her ill-gotten booty on the auction block, we intend on placing a bid on each of these items. That includes the Dolce & Gabbana purse, Calvin Klein socks, Marc Jacobs sweater, and an absolutely darling Gucci dress, which we plan on wearing to this year's gossip columnist awards (aka, the "Gabbys"). Meanwhile As reported last week in One Day, the heartfelt reunion of Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake is on the verge of being derailed by the affections of Limp Bizkit lardass Fred Durst. Brit and the incredible Mr. Limpy have been seen sneaking around together all week at the Sundance Film Festival (that is, when she isn't snuggling up to famous movie producers). And while there's been no response from the Timberlake camp, Justin can't be happy about the constant proclamations of love emanating from Durst's website (www.limpbizkit.com). Using that faux hiphop language so popular with the white suburban youth of today, Durst spouts, "Who really gives a shit if I wanna be with Britney? Yeah, she's a big POP star, and her last relationship with another big POP star was a big deal, but damn! Ya'll need to chill!" Along with calling his "feelings for Britneysimple, honest, and pure" Durst also got a plug in for his latest artistic endeavor. While reminding fans he's "dropping a sick and heavy album in a couple of months," he also hopes "all the haters are lined up because it's gonna knock 'em all down with a domino effect." Oh, Britney, Britney, Britney. Run do not walk.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 21
The Bush Administration were scratching their heads in wonderment today after learning that American allies overseas don't seem to respond well to threats and insults. When Germany, France, China, and Russia suggested giving U.N. inspectors more time to see if Iraq is harboring chemical weapons, the response from President Bush was well something short of diplomatic. "This business about more time--how much time do we need to see clearly that he's not disarming?" the President yowled. "Surely we have learned how this man [probably Saddam Hussein] deceives and delays. This looks like a rerun of a bad movie [probably Short Circuit], and I'm not interested in watching it!" But Bush wasn't the only cowboy shooting off his mouth. White House spokesman Ari Fleischer evoked football and asthmatic pansy metaphors to show his disgust for France and Germany's refusal to "play ball," saying it "was their prerogativeto be on the sideline if they so choose." But perhaps worst of all, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld dismissed Germany and France's opinions as "old Europe." WOW. Can you believe that? It's like telling your friend, "Oh, Francie. That matching velour track suit and newsboy cap is so five minutes ago."
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22
Don't forget to put a big red "X" on your calendar today! That means we have only three more days before Jennifer Lopez' divorce becomes final! Nonot from Ben Affleck, silly. They have to be married for at least five days before filing for divorce. The divorce we're talking about is her split from hubby choreographer Cris Judd! But don't weep too hard for Crissy; sources indicate that for a mere seven months of married work, he will be receiving somewhere between 13 and 15 million dollars. That's a lot of money, and it should go a long way in soothing Judd's wounded feelings. On the other hand, it probably won't stop the people who have been heckling him while performing in the "Pussycat Dolls" cabaret show in NYC. According to the Post, the crowd has been going nutso for the scantily clad shenanigans of stars Carmen Electra and Jaime Pressley--but have been shouting down Judd, who appears as a randy sailor in the show. And though his newfound wealth may sooth the wounds inflicted by those who yell, "Cris, YOU SUCK!" and "Where's J.LO?"--can $15 million ever buy back a fallen tear? Just something to think about.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 23
Here's an idea! How would you like to volunteer to fly to Iraq and become a volunteer human shield for Saddam Hussein? C'mon! It's fun, and everybody's doing it! Okay maybe not everybody. But according to Reuters, the organization known as "We the People" are shipping 50 anti-war mongers off this weekend to act as "human shields" in Baghdad in case of a war against Iraq. Organizer Ken Nichols paints a vivid picture of the Bush Administration's possible reaction to the group's efforts: "The potential for white Western body parts flying around with the Iraqi ones should make them think again about this imperialist oil war." Should anyone tell this guy that if there's one group other than the Portland Mercury that wouldn't mind seeing hippies getting blown away en masse, it's the Bush administration? Didn't think so.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 24
Stead yourselves, PNCA students: The Associated Press reported today that the famous oil painting of George Washington crossing the Delaware River was VANDALIZED at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Allegedly the vandal was a former museum employee who--in an act either genius or half-cracked--glued on a computer image depicting a fake view of the World Trade Center attack. Emanuel Leutze's 1851 "Washington Crossing the Delaware" was quickly cleaned after Saturday's incident. The alleged suspect, Robert Gray, 41, was a security guard who had worked briefly for the museum. Apparently he managed to elude security guards Saturday, but was recognized when he returned there Thursday afternoon. THE FRUSTRATED ARTIST ALWAYS RETURNS TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME. Police said Gray was charged with felony criminal mischief and egregiously bad art. The latter charge carries a large fine.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 25
According to today's New York Times, the Federal Trade Commission has sued the marketer of a weight-loss product for false advertising. The agency said the company, Slim Down Solution, of Boca Raton, Florida, and its partners ran infomercials saying their products would cause consumers to lose 10 pounds and two inches in 30 days without diets or exercising. (What do they offer--amputation?) Of course they sold TONS and made MILLIONS, and no one lost pounds and inches without diets or exercise because that's IMPOSSIBLE unless you are taking SPEED, which is socially frowned upon. False advertising is nothing new in our society. Drinking Coors, for instance, does not necessarily lead to sex with twins, Victoria's Secret merchandise will not make you look more like Giselle Bundchen, and buying Nikes will not make you a better person.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 26
Today Barret Robbins, All-Pro center for the Oakland Raiders, went apeshit and did not show up for a very important game called the Super Bowl. Robbins disappeared Friday night and resurfaced 24 hours later, after missing a stadium walk-through. The Raiders kicked him out of the team hotel and the coach announced that he would not be playing. Robbins spent game day in a hospital and no one--not even the MEDIA--knew why. Four teammates, all speaking on the condition of anonymity, told the San Francisco Chronicle that Robbins spent Saturday in Tijuana, Mexico. This was confirmed by several staff members of the Portland Mercury who drove down to San Diego to protest football and party with Ashton Kutcher. There was talk of tequila, hookers, and naked leapfrog. Ashton Kutcher would not return calls. Checks with the U.S. Consulate in Tijuana, the Customs Service, the Immigration and Naturalization Service, San Diego police and several area hospitals yielded no further information. The Raiders lost 48-21 to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.