MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17

Perky pop tart Britney Spears is madder than a poodle in a pigpen over allegations made by The Star that she was seen snorting the devil's COCAINE--and was narc'd out by an anonymous member of her own entourage! The incident allegedly happened last November in the VIP toilets of Miami's trendy Crobar Club, and according to the source, this is how it went down: "Once we were in, this guy cleans off the toilet top with a tissue and then takes out some cocaine." Okay, we just need to stop for a second and say, "EWWWWWWWWWW!!!" We now continue with Brit's alleged toot snoot, already in progress. "Using his driver's license, he chopped it into four lines," said the source, adding that after "the guy" used a rolled-up dollar bill to sniff a rail, Britney also bent over the booger sugar, and then asked a friend to check her adorable button nose for any residual blow. Naturally, these are the types of tales that make tabloids like The Star ruin a pair of pants. However, Little Miss "Not That Innocent" swears she won't take this lying down, and plans on filing a defamation suit against the paper. According to Spears' spokeswoman Nathalie K. Moar, "The only one who's guilty of doing cocaine has to be the source of this story!" Oooooh! That insult is going to leave a mark!

Meanwhile The slithery Ben Affleck barely escaped the vitriol of fiery Latiness Jennifer Lopez when she walked in on her ex-fiancé dirty dancing with actress Christina Applegate! According to IMDB.com, Affleck and Applegate were rehearsing a scene from their new film Surviving Christmas and began chit-chatting about her naughty turn in the off-Broadway cabaret The Pussycat Dolls. And just like in one of those hoary CBS sitcoms, the moment Applegate starts demonstrating her sexy, saucy moves on Affeck, guess who walks in? MEGA-LO-ZILLA! Luckily for him, the ever-oily Affleck chased down the fuming J.LO and somehow convinced her that he was innocent of any wrongdoing, and that Applegate is in fact NOT a beautiful woman but a short, bald mustachioed circus performer named "Bob" who has rotten teeth and an advanced case of scabies.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 18

This past weekend, millions of protesters around the world took to the streets to demonstrate against the Bush Administrations pre-emptive war against Iraq. Bush responded today to let everyone who protested know he doesn't give a crap. However in a truly unbelievable effort to show he actually cares what anybody thinks, Bush said "I respectfully disagree" with those who think he's become an out-of-control killer robot bent on mindless destruction. He then added, "I owe it to the American people to secure this country. I will do so." Brrrrrrrrr! Is it just us, or is Bush beginning to sound a lot like the computer in War Games? White House drone Ari Fleischer concurred with Bush's remarks adding, "Mass street protests don't always lead to the results people think. Often the message of the protesters is contradicted by history--especially when the history in question is written by dickheads like me." Okay sorry. We made up that last part. However, just to let the millions of protesters know they hadn't wasted their entire weekend, Bush concluded with this uplifting quote: "Democracy is a beautiful thing. I welcome people's right to say what they believe." You have to admit this statement is a big leap from the following actual quote, which President Bush said back in 2001: "A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier."

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 19

And now from the shocking world of reality to the shocking world of reality television: Just when we thought we'd recovered from the mind-boggling final twist of Joe Millionaire (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz), today 29-year-old Trista Rehn revealed which meathead she would choose on the ABC reality series The Bachelorette. In an almost surprising turn of events, Trista pooh-poohed the shiny foreheaded investment banker Charlie Maher for the undeniably cute but repulsively mushy Ryan Sutter. After metaphorically ripping Charlie's heart out and peeing on it, Trista looked ever-so deeply into the limpid pools of Ryan's eyes and said, "This is a day I dreamed about my entire life. I see smiles and laughter. I see babies and grandbabies. I see comfort and safety. I see me in a white dress, and I see it with youI can now tell you without reservation that I am in love with you." Wiping the mucousy extract from his eye, Ryan dropped to one knee and expressed the song of love that welled up within his bulbous thumping heart. With an emotion-choked voice, he said, "Trista I love you with every ounce of who I am and offer you my hand, my heart and soul, and my love, forever, if you'll have it." At that moment an explosion of birds and rainbows filled the sky, and a good portion of the world was overcome with an overwhelming feeling of hope that one day--perhaps one day soon--mankind would finally put down their toys of war and like Trista and Ryan, embrace the love that resides inside each of our hearts. The rest of us vomited.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20

Tragedy struck a Rhode Island nightclub today when a pyrotechnics display during a Great White concert set the building ablaze, killing at least 95 people, and injuring 180 others. Readers may remember Great White as the popular '80s hair metal band whose most popular hit shall forever ring with irony: "Once Bitten, Twice Shy."

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21 The Oregonian reported today that most patients treated for depression should remain on medication even after they have come out from under their beds, showered, and found gainful employment. (Note: By "medication," The Oregonian does NOT mean vodka gimlets, a doobie, and two hours of Sammy Sosa High Heat Baseball. By "depression," The Oregonian is referring to a crippling long-term feeling of ennui, NOT how you feel the day AFTER several vodka gimlets, a doobie, and two hours of Sammy Sosa High Heat Baseball.) Apparently, studies show that if you are on a physician-prescribed antidepressant, feel better, and stop taking it, there is a four out of five chance you will start to feel crappy at some point in the future. The good news is that if you stay on the antidepressants, only HALF of you will feel crappy. Other studies show that if you do yoga and drink lots of water, only one quarter of you will feel crappy. On a personal note: anecdotal evidence suggests that if you take half a Vicodin every other hour you will NEVER feel crappy again. You decide.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 22

According to the Associated Press, a French tourist is in critical condition after a police vehicle ran over the femme and her soeur today while they were sunbathing on Miami Beach. The sister died of her injuries. Sandrine Tunc, 26, and her sister, Stephanie, 27, were struck by the sport utility voiture as they were sunbathing near la mer. Officer George Varon apparently didn't see the two as he searched for robbery suspects who had been reported nearby. Sandrine Tunc was in critical condition at Jackson Memorial Hospital, a hospital spokeswoman said Sunday. Varon has been placed on administrative leave while the accident is under investigation. He wasn't using a siren and witnesses said the women didn't see his vehicle coming. Whether he was specifically hunting down and killing the French is still under investigation.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 23

Jesica Santillan, the 17-year-old girl who underwent a second heart-lung transplant after the first one was botched, died today. Her doctors want you to know that they are REALLY SUPER SORRY about putting in organs that were the wrong blood type. They feel VERY BAD. They promise that it will NEVER EVER happen again. There is NO REASON for you to feel nervous about your prospects should you--God forbid--require a new organ of some kind. The people responsible for this mix up have had a good talking to and are extremely contrite. They promise they will never ever play this kind of practical joke again.