It is becoming increasingly apparent that we are a nation divided. Friend has turned against friend, family member against family member. And while both may have important points to make, most Americans have chosen to settle into one of two camps: Either you want to read daily reports about the raging war in Baghdad, or you want to hear about celebrities being hit by a drink courtesy of hotel heiress Paris Hilton. For the moment, we reside in the latter camp. The hotsy-totsy Hilton is at it again! As reported last week in One Day, the night-clubbing ingenue has been screaming to anyone within eardrum-bursting distance about her hair-pulling catfight with former 90210 employee Shannen Doherty. This week the New York Post is reporting that Paris and her 20-year-old jetsetting sis Nicky were seen hurling drinks and cigarettes at up-and-coming actress Sarah Howard at the posh L.A. hotspot Deluxe. What was Howard's crime? Talking to Paris' ex-boyfriend Jason Shaw, which of course is punishable by a sentence of being knocked upside the head with a vodka gimlet, and a rousing chorus of "You're a slut! You're a whore! We know you slept with him!" Meanwhile Our favorite trashy tabloid The Star is reporting that Paris found herself on the other side of the thrown highball courtesy of former Nick Cage and Michael Jackson amour, Lisa Marie Presley. The all-star event allegedly went down at Hollywood's Pig 'n' Whistle, where a screaming match occurred between the two, ending in Paris being dragged from the bar bellowing "Lisa Marie just threw a drink at me because she thinks I fucked Nick Cage!" We hate to say it, but if Paris Hilton owned oil wells instead of hotels, President Bush would be bombing her like white on rice. And not even France would say a word
TUESDAY, MARCH 25
Today director Roman Polanski, best known for directing Chinatown and anally raping and drugging a 13-year-old, graciously expressed his thanks for receiving a Best Director Oscar at Sunday's Academy Awards. Naturally Polanski, who currently remains in hiding in France, could not accept the award in person for fear of being arrested for fleeing the country after drugging and anally raping a 13-year-old girl in 1978. "I am deeply touched to have received the Oscar for a film which recounts events which are so close to my personal experience," said Polanski, who was speaking of events surrounding the film The Pianist, and not the events surrounding anally raping a drugged 13-year-old girl in vacationing Jack Nicholson's hot tub. The escaped Hollywood pedophile continued, "[These are] events which helped me to understand that art can transcend pain [i.e. the pain of the Holocaust, rather than the pain experienced by a seventh-grader who was almost killed after being drugged and sodomized]. When the award was announced at the Oscars, the audience happily showed their tolerance for forced anal sex on a minor by honoring this sexual predator with a standing ovation. On the other hand, Michael Moore was booed off the stage.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 26
Today party-hopping hotel heiress Paris Hilton spent the day resting at home without engaging in single screaming match, or a single thrown drink. (That is, if you don't count that small mishap with the maid.) Therefore, we now return you to our continuing coverage of Operation Iraqi French Toast, already in progress. It was a tough day for President Bush, who suddenly realized that someone was going to have to actually pay for all those bombs we've been dropping on Baghdad. After adding up the tab for one month of continuous Saddam ball-busting, the bill comes to a total of (gulp!) 74.7 BILLION DOLLARS?!? Why, this is more expensive than that time Laura bought the entire set of "Executed Retarded Texan Inmates" commemorative plates! Meanwhile Somebody has to put out all those Iraqi oil well fires, right? Then why in the world shouldn't that lucrative contract be offered solely to the Halliburton Company? They have prior experience in the last Gulf War, and Vice President Dick Cheney was their former CEO and current shareholder! We mean, really. If our rich millionaire polo buddies can't make some money off this damnable war, who can? Meanwhile According to an unnamed senior defense official, a suspected chemical weapons plant was captured in southern Iraq today, and inside that plant troops found President Bush's worst nightmare: Absolutely NOTHING. And it appeared that NOTHING had been happening there for several years, making more than one observer question, "Now tell me again. WHY exactly did we start this war?" No one was more upset, however, than Geraldo Rivera, who raced to the site only to find less evidence than he did in Al Capone's vault.
THURSDAY, MARCH 27
Today about 215 protesters were arrested for blocking traffic after lying down on Fifth Avenue in downtown Manhattan's trendy shopping district. While many New Yorkers were initially perturbed by the stopping of rush-hour traffic, most were relieved to learn that the protesters were staging a "Die-In" to symbolize Iraqi war victims, rather than being knocked unconscious by drink-throwing hotel heiress Paris Hilton.
FRIDAY, MARCH 28
It's not just us: According to the Associated Press, 42 percent of people polled Tuesday through Thursday said it tuckers them out to watch war coverage. This was up two thirds from the same poll on Sunday and Monday, when people still found it novel to watch fuzzy embeds via video phones. The survey also found a steady increase in viewers who found the coverage "frightening to watch." (This is the same survey which discovered that a majority of Americans find CNN correspondent Bill Hemmer to be "fine white sugah.") The constant television airing of the war has already led to questions about whether TV is distorting the event's reality, or causing unrealistic expectations. Indeed, half of those watching thought the war was a military-based reality TV mini-series. Pentagon phone lines have been jammed with calls from thousands of people trying to vote for who should be the next Allied casualty.
SATURDAY, MARCH 29
A glimmer of hope in the madness! The producers of Chicago have announced they plan to remake Footloose. The new filmed version will not be based on the recent Broadway debacle, but rather the 1984 esteemed Kevin Bacon and Lori Singer classic. Unlike the original film, the new version will feature characters who will actually sing. Look for "Let's Hear it for the Boy" warbled and hoofed by a full chorus of teen cheesecake. For those who have never been to a slumber party, Footloose is a timeless tale of teen rebellion and tyranny. When teenager Ren (Kevin Bacon) and his family unit move from big-city Chicago to a small Midwestern town, he can't quite believe he's living in a place where dancing is prohibited. According to one of the producers, "This is going to have a more experimental feel and will be closer in tone to Moulin Rouge than Chicago." Look for me in line, I'll be the one squealing.
SUNDAY, MARCH 30
Saddam Hussein has handsomely rewarded an army officer who targeted U.S. forces in a suicide bombing, honoring him with a posthumous promotion, two new medals and a huge financial windfall for his family. Of course the suicide bomber is, by definition, DEAD, but all things considered was very appreciative. "We will use any means to kill our enemy in our land, and we will follow the enemy into its land," Iraq's vice president said. And then, mysteriously: "This is just the beginning. You'll hear more pleasant news later." The bomber--identified as Ali Jaafar al-Noamani, a noncommissioned officer with several children--was posthumously promoted to colonel and awarded two medals: Al-Rafidin, or The Two Rivers, and the Mother of All Battles. His family, reportedly, was awarded 100 million dinars--the equivalent of $34,000, which is a fortune in Iraq and exactly one loaded Honda Accord in the United States. Saddam is a great fan of the suicide bomb milieu and in the past has awarded families of Palestinian suicide bombers between $10,000 and $25,000. How much do you think he'd pay if someone blew up Paris Hilton?