MONDAY, APRIL 21

One reason you like One Day at a Time rather than other gossip columns is because we never make you guess about who's doing what to whom. Take the New York Post for example. When they're not calling for the tar and feathering of the Bush-bashing Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, they often tease its readership with items like, "WHICH ex-Beatle was seen marrying WHAT formerly two-legged model?" That's a load of baloney. However, since we do love games, we thought we'd take on a similar format this week--but instead of leaving you in the dark about the identities of our celebs, we'll drop hints and let you guess who we're talking about! C'mon, it'll be fun! Besides, if you're unable to figure it out we'll furnish the answers at the end of the column. Ready? Yes, you are!

ITEM! WHAT recent Oscar winner who starred in Chicago

1 and is married to WHICH son of Kirk Douglas

2 and looks Latina even though she is actually Welsh recently gave birth to a bouncing baby girl? Mmmm, hmmmm, and WHAT recent Oscar winner who starred in Chicago

1 and is married to WHICH son of Kirk Douglas

2 and looks Latina even though she is actually Welsh recently freaked out when a picture appeared of her on the web in which she is TOPLESS, PREGNANT, and SMOKING? (We know that was a gimme, but we're starting you off easy )

ITEM! WHICH leggy supermodel

3 claims to have intimate knowledge on the whereabouts of a CERTAIN international terrorist

4 responsible for bringing down the World Trade Center? That's right! According to People, this aging ebony beauty is claiming to have "intelligence sources" that span the globe "keeping tabs on terrorist activity." And what did this temper tantrum-throwing clothes horse learn from her spies at the D.I.A. (Diva Intelligence Agency)? That the mother of all terrorists is currently holed up in Saudi Arabia. That may be true, Ms. Mystery Model, but is he still wearing that horrible turban? It's soooo "pre-9/11!"

TUESDAY, APRIL 22

ITEM! WHAT famous Iranian actress

5 was given a suspended sentence today of 74 lashes with a whip for publicly kissing WHICH famous Iranian director

6 on the forehead during an awards show? The star of the hit Iranian movie Ertefae Past barely escaped the beating of a lifetime when she made a public apology for giving what she called a "motherly peck" to an old family friend. The director was also charged for "disturbing public morality," but was later released after posting bail to the tune of 20 million rials (that's $2,500 American). Physical contact between unmarried men and women is strictly forbidden in Iran, which means if a CERTAIN Oscar winner for The Pianist

7 and a CERTAIN James Bond beauty

8 had been in Iran during their Academy Award tongue wrestling smooch-a-thon, they would have received at least 5,784 lashes. Why that's half as many as they would have given the tubby director of Bowling for Columbine

9!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23

ITEM! WHICH son

10 of a recently deposed Iraqi dictator

11 has been ripped off by an American employee of WHAT Republican-lovin' news network

12? According to Reuters news, Benjamin Johnson, a satellite truck engineer for the right-winging net, was arrested today for making off with several paintings he stole from the Iraqi palaces of the dictator's kid. And while several reporters and soldiers have been forced to turn over their "spoils of war," Johnson has been the only one arrested and subsequently fired by the flag-waving network--which is home to WHAT blustering, pinhead rant show host

13?

THURSDAY, APRIL 24

ITEM! WHICH formerly bald songstress

14--who is famous for tearing up a picture of a CERTAIN Catholic big-wig

15--has recently come under the misguided impression that we give a crap whether she retires or not? This tempestuous Irish lassie has announced that "As of July 2003, I shall be retiring from the music business in order to pursue a different career." Well, let's see she's already been a priest and a lesbian we're sorry, but in this economy, "big mouth wash-ups" have very limited career opportunities.

ITEM! WHAT Latina multimillionaire "from the block"

16 had to rip the ass out of the original Flashdance costume, because her own ass was too big? It seems she wanted her new video "I'm Glad" to be a direct parody of the '80s torn sweatshirt classic--which starred WHAT frizzy haired actress

17 who shares the same first name?--and ended up borrowing the original red bodysuit that was used in the film. However, according to Us magazine, the famously bootylicious posterior of our mystery star was far too plumpy to squeeze into the unitard, and a inside source claims "she had to cut the suit in the back and add two panels of material so it would fit her." What a feeling!

FRIDAY, APRIL 25

ITEM! WHAT leafy narcotic

18 proved troublesome for a Carlsbad teen when he dropped it in WHICH monolith of justice

19? Robin Loftin, 18, was facing charges of driving with a suspended driver's license and failure to renew his vehicle registration. When Loftin removed the hat he was wearing in front of a black-robe-clad paragon of wisdom

20, guess WHAT

18 fell from the hat onto the floor? The gruff patriarchal archetype

20 immediately cited Loftin for contempt and ordered him to the Eddy County Detention Center.

SATURDAY, APRIL 26

ITEM! WHAT national animal rights group

21 has offered Hamburg, New York officials $15,000 to change the town's name to something more vegan friendly

22? "The town's name conjures up visions of unhealthy patties of ground-up dead cows," said the group

21 spokesman. The animal advocates

21 offered to supply area schools with $15,000 worth of non-meat patties for the name change. The Buffalo suburb, named Hamburg since 1812, claims to be the birthplace of the American culinary staple. Hamburg commemorates the birth of hamburgers at the annual Burgerfest. In 1996, the same animal rights group

21 proposed that the Hudson Valley town of Fishkill change its centuries-old name to Fishsave, since the group believed the name conjured up violent imagery and was mean to fish. People thought it was funny then, too.

SUNDAY, APRIL 27

ITEM! Researchers from Cambridge University, England, are planning to use WHAT furry pets

23 to detect WHAT type of cancer

24 (that affects over 20,000 British men a year) by learning to sniff WHAT body fluid

25? And speaking of liquid waste

25

ITEM! WHAT paintings

26, valued at £1 million ($1.6 million), were found behind what porcelain throne

27 after they were nipped over the weekend? Officers got a call at about 2 AM telling them the paintings were in a tube somewhere nasty. They were recovered and returned to the gallery for safekeeping. "This was a well planned theft," Greater Manchester Police said in a statement. No shit, Arthur Conan Doyle's most famous character

28.

ANSWERS: 1) Catherine Zeta-Jones, 2) Michael Douglas, 3) Naomi Campbell, 4) Osama bin Laden, 5) Gohar Kheirandish, 6) Ali Zamani, 7) Adrien Brody, 8) Halle Berry, 9) Michael Moore, 10) Uday Hussein, 11) Saddam Hussein, 12) FOX News 13) Any on-air employee of FOX news, 14) Sinead O'Connor, 15) The Pope, 16) Jennifer Lopez, 17) Jennifer Beals, (18) Marijuana, (19) A courtroom, (20) The judge, (21) PETA, (22) Veggieburg, (23) Dogs, (24) Prostate, (25) Urine, (26) Vincent van Gogh's "The Fortification of Paris," Pablo Picasso's "Poverty" and Paul Gauguin's "Tahitian Landscape," (27) A toilet, (28) Sherlock.