Ohhhh, that adorable Ashton Kutcher. Doesn't one just want to rub his naked body with a lemon and a tablespoon of sugar and lick it off? You betcha. And now that he's broken up with that ho-bag Brittany Murphy (who we're sure is very nice), he's footloose, fancy-free and wagging his tongue in magazines like Rolling Stone. In this month's ish, the star of That '70s Show is popping off about some decidedly illegal shenanigans committed by Jenna and Barbara, otherwise known as "Those Bush Twins." Kutcher claims that before they came of age he and a friend were attending a Nike party and invited the girls back to his house. While Secret Service agents waited outside, he says the twins were boozing it up inside, followed by multiple pulls off a dope-filled hookah! Talk about your "weapons of mass destruction!" Meanwhile! Remember two weeks ago, when we reported Jennifer Lopez ripped the ass out of the original Flashdance costume so she could squeeze into it? (She wasn't just playing dress-up, you know. Her intention was to pay homage to the Jennifer Beals film in her new video, "I'm Glad.") Well! Now that ripped-out ass has turned around to bite her in the booty, because Paramount (who owns the film) is suing for copyright infringement, because the video is too much like Flashdance! According to E! Online, the matter is being settled out of court, and supposedly, Paramount is in talks with Lopez to star in a remake of the film (which should probably be called Asspants. Or maybe Flashass. Or maybe we should just shut up.) Meanwhile! Formerly disturbed youth-turned-disturbed millionaire Marilyn Manson has been doing some bizarre internet shopping, according to the New York Post. It seems the cross-dressing rock star has purchased "$500 worth of fetish lingerie from MichaelSalem.com." So what did he get? Spies say the order included three "half-body bras," "tube top breasts" and (if this doesn't make you shudder, nothing will) four pairs of "P-Panties" which come with "prosthetic vaginas." Prosthetic vaginas? We had no idea amputated cooters had become such a problem!
TUESDAY, MAY 6
For those interested in who's been captured from the Iraqi "Deck of Death" cards, today it was the "five of hearts," also known as Huda Salih Mahdi Ammash, also known as "Mrs. Anthrax." The only lady among the 55 on the most-wanted list, "Mrs. Anthrax" was taken into custody in Baghdad by U.S. troops, according to an unnamed defense official. "She has intimate knowledge of the workings of Iraq's biological warfare programand [could be in] a position to know possible locations of where production facilities might be located," said Mr. Unnamed. Of course, "Mrs. Anthrax" could not have become so brainy in the oppressive country of Iraq--which is why she came to America to study! She earned a masters from Texas Woman's University, and her doctorate in microbiology from the University of Missouri. Hmmm perhaps that's where she met "MR. Anthrax." Sighhhh. Say what you want about chemical warfare; we do love us a Southern gentleman.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 7
Need another reason to hate Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein? They don't keep their court appointments! A federal judge ruled today that bin Laden and Hussein owes nearly $104 million to the families of two September 11th victims--partially because the wanted international fugitives never showed up for a January court date. James Beasley, a Philadelphia lawyer who represents the families, called U.S. District Judge Harold Baer's finding to be a "significant victory" because it's the first time a judge has linked al-Qaida and Iraq to the Sept. 11 attacks. Though the judge admitted the evidence was circumstantial and "classically hearsay" he has ordered the two villains to pay up to the tune of $104 million. Or what, you may ask? Or maybe the judge will be forced to garnish their weekly paycheck from "Axis of Evil" Inc.! That's what!
THURSDAY, MAY 8
Apparently, being a macho stud comes with a price. Today, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer rushed to the defense of his boss once again, after President Bush was accused of wasting taxpayers money on his showy speech aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln last week. If you'll recall, the Prez swooped down in a Navy fighter, hopped out wearing a flight suit, and proclaimed victory over Iraq while pumping his fist in the air. (At the time, we made an extremely amusing Top Gun reference in which "Maverick" Bush and "Iceman" Jacques Chirac kiss and make up before dashing off to bone Kelly McGillis. See what happens when you miss an issue?) Anyway, while it was all great fun for the GOP to see the Commander in Chief pretending to be a Commander in Chief, certain Democrats on the House of Representatives Appropriations Committee suggested the cost of Bush's Top Gun tribute could top $1 million. As Democratic Sen. Robert Byrd noted, "I am loath to think of an aircraft carrier being used as an advertising backdrop for a presidential political slogan." To which the White House responded, "We won, you lost, so why don't you suck it." You know considering Goose died on that mission, that's really irresponsible behavior.
FRIDAY, MAY 9
Every few months we hear about an unfortunate couple who name their wiggling newborn, only to discover that there are OTHER babies with that SAME name. Sometimes, MILLIONS of them. Personally, we find this careless. Do a little research, people! Every year, the Social Security Administration compiles a list of the most popular baby names based on applications for Social Security cards. Want to know what NOT to name your baby? NOT Hannah or Madison. NOT Jacob, Michael, or Matthew. (Jacob has been the most popular name for boys since 1999, when, in an upset, it ended Michael's 35-year run in the top spot.) NOT Joshua, Christopher, Nicholas, Andrew, Joseph, Daniel. Tyler, Ashley, Sarah, Alexis, Samantha, Jessica, Elizabeth, or Taylor. And YES. In response to ALL YOUR MAIL. You may name your child Ann.
SATURDAY, MAY 10
You know the old adage that if you put a bunch of monkeys in a room with a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll write Hamlet? Surely, this has kept you up at night. Could they really write Hamlet? If so, would Hamlet be a monkey? Could they write the Sweet Valley High series? What about a better Star Wars prequel? You were not alone all those nights! It turns out that actual real-life researchers were burning to know the answer too! So they used up a bunch of research money and put six monkeys in a room with one computer for one month. The result? Astounding! Apparently, monkeys really, really, really like the letter S! The monkeys eventually typed five pages of text, primarily filled with the letter S, and concluding with a few As, Js, Ls, and Ms. They enjoyed peeing and pooping all over the keyboard and also rewrote a Raymond Carver short story.
SUNDAY, MAY 11
Remember all those crappy school lunches? Well it turns out that they actually WERE crappy! Though schools have improved the nutritional value of lunches in the past decade, The Oregonian reported today that the meals continue to contain more fat than the government recommends. Three-fourths of schools surveyed were found to be serving lunches containing 34 percent fat. That's funny. Who knew that macaroni and cheese, lasagna, hot dogs and pie were fattening?? Karen Johnson, vice president of the American School Food Service Association, said school cooks are making improvements but could use a little more help from the government. She then whipped off her humanoid mask and screamed, "The children are fat enough! Let the harvest begin!!!"