What started out as a simple public apology has turned into one of the most invective-spewing, name-calling Hollywood catfights of the century! The cats in question? No other than indie director du jour Vincent Gallo and portly film critic Roger Ebert. It all started after Gallo allegedly issued a public apology after the sound drubbing he received for his Cannes Film Fest flop, The Brown Bunny. But according to Gallo, he never said no such thing! And his underpants are tied in an array of impenetrable knots because Ebert reported the so-called apology in the Chicago Sun Times. "I never apologized for anything in my life," Gallo told the New York Post. "I like the movie. The only thing I'm sorry about is putting a curse on Roger Ebert's colon. If a fat pig like Roger Ebert doesn't like my movie, then I'm sorry for him." Refusing to take this insult wallowing in the trough, Ebert claimed he has lost 30 pounds and fired back at the director, "which means if Gallo gains 30 IQ points, we'll be even." Then, in response to Gallo's wanton attack on his colon, Ebert added, "I don't know what he meant but when I had my last colonoscopy, they let me watch it on a little TV, and it was far more entertaining than Brown Bunny." Ka-ZING! But the war didn't stop there, because Ebert's zinger prompted yet another Gallo response via the Post. "You tell that hamhock Roger Ebert he could lose 30 pounds a day for the next four years and still be fat. As for the curse on his colon, what I actually said was that I put an unremovable black magic curse on his prostate, which will enlarge into a large cancerous ball by the fall I want to challenge that fat cow to an IQ test!" When informed of Gallo's screeching response, Ebert replied, "I wish Mr. Gallo a speedy recovery." Game, set, match--Ebert.
TUESDAY, JUNE 3
Whew! After that prissy, eye-scratching meow-fest, we need some good ol' fashioned Hollywood Gossip--clearance sale-style! Did someone drop something in Demi Moore's Metamucil? The villainess from the upcoming Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle has been going full throttle on a host of younger paramours. Since her return to Tinsel Town, 40-year-old Demi has been seen gallivanting around with such young bucks as Owen Wilson, Tobey Maguire, and Colin Farrell. But currently, her flava-o'-the-week is no other than dreamy 25-year-old That '70s Show hunk, Ashton Kutcher. Demi and Ashy have been caught in frantic tongue-locks on Sean "H.R. Puff-N-Diddy" Comb's yacht, as well as half-nekkid lap dancey bump-n-grinds at an L.A. poolside party. Watch out, Ashton! Demi may be too much woman for ya! (And if you don't believe it, ask Andrew McCarthy. Tsk, tsk. The poor boy never recovered ) Meanwhile! Former Angelina Jolie hubby Billy Bob Thornton celebrated his divorce from the bulbous-lipped starlet by burning the vials of blood she gave him. Why? Because he's crazy, of course. Meanwhile! Guess who's still not pregnant? Jennifer Lopez! Just thought you'd like to know! Meanwhile! 68-year-old star of Shogun and The Thorn Birds Richard Chamberlain? GAY! Meanwhile! According to Heat magazine, pop prince Justin Timberlake changes his underpants SIX TIMES A DAY. Obsessive-compulsive!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4
Now try to keep your evil cackling laughter to a minimum, but Martha Stewart is looking at up to 25 years in prison. We said keep it to a "minimum!" Trouble came knocking at the home improvement maven's door today when the government indicted Stewart and her former stockbroker for alleged insider trading. (According to accusations, Stewart had dumped nearly 4,000 shares of ImClone a mere day before the stock mysteriously tanked.) After a concerned but pert "not guilty," Stewart marched over to her Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia offices and promptly resigned as chairman and chief executive. She then took out a full-page ad declaring her innocence in USA Today, as well as updating her stylish new website,
www.marthatalks.com. After that she spent the rest of the day fashioning a stylish, brocade pinafore for wearing while working out in the garden, which is an especially creative way to spend one's time, especially when one is under a suicide watch.
THURSDAY, JUNE 5
Boy, the Bush Administration just can't catch a break, can they? They save the world from the terrifying Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction™, and all everybody does is bitch, bitch, bitch. Now complaints are even coming from inside the Justice Department! According to a new report from the JD's inspector general, Glenn Fine, there have been "serious problems" with the way some 762 detained foreigners have been treated since 9/11. Some have been locked up continuously for months after being promised a quick release, transported everywhere in handcuffs and leg irons, physically and verbally abused, and forced to sleep in cells under bright lights 24 hours a day. "Even in the chaotic aftermath of the September 11th attacks," Fine noted, "the FBI should have taken more care to distinguish between aliens who it actually suspected of having a connection to terrorism from those who, while possibly guilty of violating federal immigration law, had no connection to terrorism." Not to be outdone, Attorney General John Ashcroft answered these charges by marching right up to Congress and demanding that they give him EVEN MORE POWER to fight terrorism. These "extra-extra" powers would include the death penalty for any terrorist act, and being boiled alive in a pot of battery acid for those who even look at John Ashcroft funny.
FRIDAY, JUNE 6
Actress Sandra Bullock won a permanent injunction Friday, forbidding any contact by a Michigan man who allegedly harassed her with voicemail, phone calls, and, that revolutionary stalker tool of the '90s: faxes. The man, Thomas James Weldon, 34, failed to appear for a hearing. Bullock did not come to court either, though if she had, we're sure she would have worn something divine like a Marc Jacobs pantsuit, a tooled leather Fendi bag, and a darling Stella McCartney blouse. Her lawyer, Ed, told reporters that Weldon had been stalking the actress for 18 months and seemed especially upset about the box office failure Hope Floats. No criminal charges were filed against him and Ed said none were sought. "We just wanted our client protected," he said. He also said that Weldon, who is from Michigan but is "fairly transient," has a history of psychiatric problems, and is more Angelina Jolie's type anyway.
SATURDAY, JUNE 7
Attention, cocaine dealers! Yes, YOU. Your rights are being violated! According to The New York Times, a man who won $5.5 million in the state lottery has been ordered TO GIVE THE MONEY BACK because he bought the winning ticket with moola he made selling nose candy. (The man is arguing that the ticket was actually purchased with cash from selling old clothes.) The poor bastard was arrested on January 17-- three days after collecting his $5.5 million lottery winnings--for selling 36 grams of cocaine to an undercover agent. (For any neophytes out there, take it from us, 36 grams of cocaine is A LOT.) The cops say he's been selling coke for two years and doesn't deserve a state-sanctioned windfall. The man is awaiting sentencing that could put him in prison for life. Drug dealers--are you going to stand for this? Rise up! Write your congress person. Fax letters to Sandra Bullock! Unionize! You have nothing to lose but your chains.
SUNDAY, JUNE 8
Once again, the fatsos are getting special treatment. According to CNN, the world's first "size-friendly, all inclusive beach resort" is set to open for business this month south of Cancun. Its name? Freedom Paradise. Its motto? "Live Large, Live Free!" The concept? A place where fat people can pay to frolic in G-strings and Speedos without enduring cruel jokes or wisecracks from the staff. Why should FAT people be the only ones exempt from cruel jokes? If you ask us, not making fun of fat people is just one more thing for thin people to have to worry about, and we have A LOT on our minds. The resort has also invested in practical improvements, such as "big, wide benches made of tree trunks, four-foot-wide chaise lounges, and 26-inch-wide dining room chairs" that won't collapse when confronted with a gigantic ass. All the furniture is reinforced and made of wood. THIN people like wood furniture too, but guess who still has to perch on those lousy plastic beach chairs? The resort has five restaurants, each with a different theme: international, Italian, Mexican, a steakhouse, a Hawaiian-style seafood room and a snack bar. This has the makings of one big, fat slippery slope. Next thing you know, they'll have special resorts for white Anglo-Saxon Protestants.