MONDAY, JULY 7

Hear ye, hear ye! The honorable Britney Spears would once again like your attention in order to make another unwise attempt to mold her public persona. (Well, don't look at us--we're not about to stop her!) According to W magazine, the world's most famous former virgin has only had one pee-pee in her cooter and that pee-pee belonged to Justin Timberlake. Plus she claims to have waited a whole two years before she let the pee-pee anywhere near her coot. Now she's really teed at JT for letting the coot out of the bag. "I've only slept with one person in my whole life," huffed the perky popstress. "It was two years into my relationship with Justin and I thought he was the one. But I was wrong. I didn't think he was going to go on Barbara Walters and sell me out." By this point you're probably wondering, "Oh really, Brit? Well, what about that fat tub of lard Fred Durst (from Limp Bizkit), who claims he saw the coot up close and personal?" On that touchy topic Brit is keeping her lip zipped. But thanks for asking! You're so very smart Meanwhile! The swaggering swishy star of Pirates of the Caribbean Johnny Depp has also been spouting off. In next month's GQ, the heart-throbby hunk sez that if his kids want to smoke pot when they're older, their dear old dad will happily score it for them. "Out on the street, you never know what you're getting," says the unusually knowledgeable Depp, about dope laced with PCP. "Suddenly two days later you're beating yourself in the head with a tennis racquet, wearing a towel, quoting Poe. You don't want that for your kid." Ah, ha! So that's why Johnny dated Winona Ryder!

TUESDAY, JULY 8

The news just keeps getting better for the gays. This morning we awoke to a report that cretinous radio shock jock Michael Savage had been given an unceremonious heave-ho from his right-wing talk show on MSNBC because of an egregious homophobic slur. It seems a listener informed the jock of the unfortunate truth, that he "should go to the dentist because your teeth are real bad." Because it was an insult, Savage naturally assumed the caller was gay and responded reasonably. "Oh, you're one of the sodomites!" Savage squealed. "You should only get AIDS and die, you pig! How's that? Why don't you see if you can sue me, you pig? You got nothing better to do than to put me down, you piece of garbage? Go eat a sausage and choke on it. Get trichinosis. Okay, do we have another nice caller who's busy and didn't have a nice night in the bathhouses, angry at me today?" After a slew of complaints, Savage issued an apology today in what was probably a feeble, unsuccessful attempt to regain his job. Savage sniveled, "I especially appeal to my many listeners in the gay community to accept my apologies for any inadvertent insults which may have occurred." Yeah, that's a good start but what about the pigs, and those porkophobic slurs about "trichinosis"? See, it's people like Savage who give sausage a bad name!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 9

It may not be the first time President Bush said something stupid, but it's certainly the first time the administration has admitted it. During Bush's State of the Union address in January, the President claimed that Saddam Hussein had sought uranium from Africa to help build Iraq's so-called "weapons of mass destruction." Well it's July, Baghdad's in ruins, Iraq's a political powderkeg with no leadership, and still no WMDs. Plus, U.S. intelligence analysts say they told the administration back in October that the Africa/Uranium claim was not "credible" and yet there it was in the President's speech. Naturally the Democrats are demanding a formal inquiry. While on a five-nation African tour, Bush again defended his decision to invade Iraq, saying, "There's going to be uhhhh you know uhhhh, a lot of attempts to rewrite history, and I can understand that. But I'm absolutely confident in the decision I made." He then went on to say, "Besides, let's keep this in perspective: I just told a little lie. It's not like I got a blowjob from an intern!"

THURSDAY, JULY 10

Hold on a second! Princess Diana a zombie superhero? Marvel Comics announced today that the late Princess of Wales will be making a five-issue cameo appearance in a comic entitled X-Statix--as a dead super-powered zombie in spandex. According to some geek we talked to at the comic book store, the X-Statix team are a group of "media-savvy mutants" who prefer "fame to crime-fighting." One of the writers for the comic, Peter Milligan, describes how they came up with the idea: "I thought it was time we had a real dead girl in the team, and, clearly, Diana was made for X-Statix: Someone famous for being famous." Unsurprisingly the overriding emotion at Buckingham Palace could be described as somewhat ohhh "unamused." A spokesperson for the royal family calls the funny book "utterly appalling" and "a cheap attempt to cash in on Diana's fame and the tragic circumstances surrounding her death." We agree, old chap! And besides, what's next? A zombie Diana movie, with the soundtrack featuring Elton John's "Candle in the Wind III"? Talk about appalling!

FRIDAY, JULY 11

Charges have been dropped against a man whose lawyer claimed that tea made him go off his rocker. Not marijuana, mind you. Tea. Jasmine tea. Jasmine tea so good, so pure, it made him smash his way into a neighbor's house and chase the woman with a dagger. Police said they found a wild-eyed Gilbert Walker, 43, outside the house yelling "I'm crazy" after he had broken a glass door with a BRASS DUCK. The neighbor understandably ran screaming down the street until a motorist stopped and helped her call the fuzz. The judge dismissed aggravated assault and burglary charges after receiving reports from no less than three court-appointed psychologists who all agreed that Walker suffered from psychosis. (Ya think?) Jasmine is an herb commonly taken to calm the stomach and, according to Walter's defense lawyer, also used as a love potion in satanic and cult rituals. Walker's former girlfriend gave him the tea to settle his stomach, but didn't warn him to limit his intake, and he consumed up to 10 cups daily. No comment as of yet as to the repercussions this decision will have on Britain's Royal Family but it explains a lot.

SATURDAY, JULY 12

Hold on to your handguns, Jack Ryan fans! The new Jack Ryan book is out, and this one is ripped from today's headlines! Here's the scoop: "Now that Jack Ryan is President, and his days of non-stop action are over, it's up to his SON to defend the free world from terrorists. With a deadly enemy alliance being formed, Jack Jr. is about to be put to the test. Is he ready?" Are WE? Is Tom Clancy kidding? In response to this weirdly tinged valentine to the Republican administration, we ourselves are scribbling a quick novella. Here's the skinny: "Dr. Howie Dean had it all. He was governor of a small, northeastern state. He was handsome. His politics and grooming were impeccable. But when Dr. Dean learns of a vast rightwing conspiracy, he must make a heroic choice: risk everything to pursue the Presidency or cower like a stuck pig?" For more information on "The Doctor is In: A Howie Dean novella" go to "deanforamerica.com."

SUNDAY, JULY 13

After several weeks of dead American soldiers in Iraq, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned today that attacks on U.S. troops in Iraq may just sort of well, continue. According to Rumsfeld, "we're still in a war." He also said American forces--now totaling about 150,000--will likely remain in Iraq for the "foreseeable future," or at least until pigs fly and virgins turn themselves over freely to the G.O.P. Since President Bush declared May 1 that major combat was over and Iraq was saved, 31 U.S. soldiers have been killed in Iraq and scores have been wounded in hit-and-run attacks. The occupation is costing $3.9 billion to $4 billion a month, which is somewhere around the average rent in San Francisco.