Remember last week when we said the tabloids were lining up to take J.LO and B.AFF down? We'd like to issue a correction: We should have said EVERYONE IN THE WORLD is gunning for Tinseltown's toney twosome. (One Day at a Time regrets the error.) It seems last week's National Enquirer article accusing Ben "B.AFF" Affleck of whooping it up with strippers has kicked up quite a ruckus. When Ben's lawyers threatened to sue the Enquirer, the tabloid decided to fire back, claiming the sources for their story had passed a lie detector test. Then they had the cojones to challenge B.AFF himself to take a whirl on their polygraph. (Don't hold your breath waiting for that to happen.) Meanwhile, according to PeopleNews, J.LO dashed off the set of Shall We Dance in tears over Ben's alleged indiscretions, "ripping off her engagement ring mid-flounce." Days later she was apparently seen whooping it up with pals at NYC's Shelter nightclub--sans big hunka pink ice on her finger--and ringing up a $9,000 bar tab. A spy verified the sighting, saying "Jennifer kept talking about the 'drama, drama, drama,' and told several people she was single before hitting the dance floor she was not wearing the engagement ring." Meanwhile again, other strippers are coming forward claiming that Ben, while guilty of attending the strip club, was on his very best behavior (i.e. no drinky-drinky, no touchy-feely). And as for sources close to J.LO, they say the tabs allegations are a load of hooey, telling the New York Daily News, "The wedding is still on. She doesn't give a fuck about the story. She thinks it's funny." That's weird didn't Hillary Clinton say something rather similar?
TUESDAY, AUGUST 5
And the gays just keep marching on to bigger victories, today's occurring in the Episcopal church. Gene Robinson of New Hampshire was ratified as the first openly gay bishop at the church's convention. This in itself is big enough news, but there were some factions within the religion who wanted to push things just a wee bit further by creating a liturgy that would allow the clergy to bless same-sex relationships. This is where the poop hit the fan. The more conservative faction roared that by accepting Bishop Robinson--who lives with another man and is super-duper gay--into the fold, they have already given the tacit thumbs-up to gayness. According to conservative Bishop Robert Duncan, "This body, in willfully confirming the election of a person sexually active outside of holy matrimony, has departed from the historic faith and order of the Church of Jesus Christ." He still sounds kinda sore, doesn't he? The conservatives are now reportedly considering whether to split with the organization, and start a brand new religion called the "Reallypissedcopalians." Ba-dum-DUM! Thank you! Thank you! Be sure to catch our next show at 11, and don't forget to tip your waitress!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
In today's "News of the Shocking," Arnold Schwarzenegger announced to the world that, contrary to earlier reports, he would indeed be running for governor in California. And like all candidates who want their campaign to be taken seriously, Arnie made his announcement to Jay Leno on The Tonight Show. "Do your job for the people, and do it well," Arnie said in reference to troubled governor Gray Davis. "Otherwise, you are hasta la vista, baby." Voters in Cali will be going to the polls on October 7 to vote on whether Davis should remain as governor, or be replaced by a steroid-pumped kraut. Until then prepare to endure two months of predictable and lame references to his failed movie career or as he put it at the end of last night's taping, "I promise to 'pump up' Sacramento!" God, how we hate that guy.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 7
But there's some really good news that came out of Arnie deciding to run for Governor. His last minute decision completely screwed candidate and Republican Congressman Darrell Issa, who had plunked down a whopping $1.7 million of his own money to run Gov. Gray Davis out of office. The congressman, who made his fortune selling car alarms, broke down and cried like a big stupid baby today when he announced to the press that he was bowing out of the race. "It's my desire" he cried, with tears rolling down his dumb blubbery face, "it's my desire to see that the recall continues, that Gray Davis is recalled and that California has a brighter day." Geez say what you will about Schwarzenegger, but at least his Nazi genes render him incapable of any emotion. MEANWHILE! If Arnie thinks he's the only hotshit celeb to enter the race, he's got another think coming! His many competitors include micro-actor Gary Coleman (from Diff'rent Strokes) who is in favor of gay marriage and marijuana legalization. Plus there's also liberal pundit Arianna "No More SUVs" Huffington, star of billboards and not much else, Angelyne, and pornstar Mary Carey who favors "a tax on breast implant procedures." (That's not a joke.) But our favorite candidate remains porn purveyor Larry Flynt, who wins the best quote of the week by asking Americans to pray to "the entity of their choice to strike down Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly with a fatal brain aneurysm." (That's also not a joke and we're in full agreement.)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 8
Ready to let bygones be bygones with the French? Best wait. The French government notified U.S. officials last month that 5,000 blank passports are missing from the national passport office near Marseilles. That means 5000 terrorists are currently flying into Newark using the alias "Jean-Paul." If you see a group of men in berets and striped shirts loitering outside a nuclear reactor, ask to see their passports. If their passports look suspiciously new, run as fast as you can to the nearest McDonald's. Purchase several Big Macs. Return to the nuclear reactor. Pelt the men with the Big Macs. If the men pump their fists in the air and scream anti-American slogans, then they are truly French citizens on a nuclear reactor group tour and you should leave them be. If, however, the men remain calm, they are terrorists. Very dangerous, unpredictable terrorists. Confront them. Convince them to tell you their nefarious plans. Then retreat to the nearest payphone and call John Ashcroft at home. He's up late, so don't worry if it's the middle of the night.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 9
Does America seem whiter to you? We think so, too! We guess minorities have figured America isn't worth the hassle and are hoofing it to greener pastures. How else would you explain that in just two years, the percentage of minorities in television newsrooms nationwide have dropped from 25 to 18 percent. Where have the legions of minority news anchors gone? Leaders of three groups of journalists, speaking Friday at the National Association of Black Journalists' national convention in Dallas, called the decline HIGHLY ALARMING. Are black journalists being kidnapped by homeless, polygamist Mormons? Are they wandering off? There's got to be an explanation! Yet Ernest Sotomayor, president of Unity: Journalists of Color, a consortium of four minority journalist associations, could not explain the reason for the declining numbers. "We don't have enough information," he said. "But it's a crisis and should be treated in that way." In the meantime, many white anchors, in a show of solidarity, are planning to read the news in blackface.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 10
Four wacky teens were charged Saturday with attacking homeless people with a stun gun as they slept and videotaping the assaults. Teenagers are so impulsive and funny! Police said the teens carried out attacks on at least six homeless people sleeping on park benches or in doorways. Joshuah (yes, that's how he spells it) Langenheim, 19, was charged with assault. Three other teenagers, all juveniles, were released to their parents and will face delinquency assault charges. The prankster teens were arrested after fleeing the scene of a crime, and might have escaped had they not stopped to pack up all of their Hillary Duff videos.