MONDAY, AUGUST 11

The question burning through everyone's brainpan this week: Will J.LO and B.AFF still get married? Will they or won't they? Will they or won't they? Oh, SHUT UP! They're going to get married for crying out loud! Think about it: if J.LO was stupid enough to marry those last two losers, it's going to take more than just a few alleged rubby-dubs from a stripper to stop this cat from bagging her rat. Besides, she's already ordered the dress. According to IMDB.com, "Jenny from the Block" has hired world-famous designer Vera Wang and expects her gown to be complete by the end of the month. Sources close to Wang (god how we love saying that) tell us, "She didn't give Vera a date, but said the dress has to be ready by August 24." As for the allegations of B.AFF's indiscretions with a stripper, LO has chosen to slip on the blinders. A pal of hers reports, "There doesn't seem to be a tape (of the stripper incident), so Jennifer doesn't believe it happened." In other words, Woo! Woooooo! Get off the tracks 'cause here comes the wedding train! MEANWHILE! Is reformed rock slut Courtney Love actually the granddaughter of portly method actor Marlon Brando? According to a forthcoming book from Love's mama, Linda Carroll, YES! It seems that Carroll's mother, writer Paula Fox, had a nudie canoodle with Brando in the '40s, back when it wasn't so easy for him to be rolled down a flight of stairs. This liaison produced Carroll which eventually led to the birth of Love, who eventually nagged Kurt Cobain into killing himself. And so goes the circle of life!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12

A lot of people misrepresent right-wing conservatives as "evil" when in actuality, a more appropriate label might be "just plain dumb." This one is going to be hard to believe, but please bear with us. According to E! Online, the Fox News Channel has filed a trademark infringement suit against comedian Al Franken for using the phrase "Fair and Balanced" in the title of his newest book. Franken's newest tome is entitled Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, and Fox News claims "fair and balanced" was registered by their company in 1998 and "accurately describes their coverage." Furthermore, by pirating this phrase Franken could "blur and tarnish" Fox's image and "confuse the public." (By the way, we swear to God we're not making a word of this up.) But the Franken-bashing doesn't stop there. The suit goes on to say the comedic pundit and Saturday Night Live alum is a "parasite" (not making it up), who is "unstable" and "shrill" (still in the "not making it up" zone). Many insiders believe Fox is attacking Franken because of his ongoing feud with the network's most popular and bilious employee, Bill O'Reilly. Regardless, Franken is having a field day with the suit telling reporters, "As far as the personal attacks go, when I read 'intoxicated or deranged' and 'shrill and unstable' in their complaint, I thought for a moment I was a Fox commentator." Ka-ZING!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13

Rap impresario Snoop Dogg learned an important lesson today: You can only associate with so many Girls Gone Wild before a couple turn around to bite you in the ass. Today's Smoking Gun website revealed that two former wild girls are suing Dogg for allegedly using pot and Ecstasy to lure them into exposing their breasts in front of a Girls Gone Wild camera crew. Unsurprisingly, the girls took the bait and the ensuing footage ended up in that classic work of cinema Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style. Their pictures also wound up in TV and internet ads, as well as the cover art for the video--and to make matters worse--they claim they were only 17 at the time. Ouch. Snoop has stated the wild girls "voluntarily consumed alcohol and other intoxicants" during the taping. And since the arrest of Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis (for filming underage girls) a few months ago, Snoop has stepped down from his hosting duties for reasons of "racial inequality." In an interview with the Associated Press, Snoop said, "If you notice, there hasn't been no girls of [color] at all on none of those tapes. No black girls, no Spanish girlsall white girls, and that shit ain't cool, because white girls ain't the only hos that get wild." You know, it's nice when younger celebrities choose to echo the words of Martin Luther King, Jr.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 14

Today's top story: Sweeping widespread power outages in New York City and parts of Canada! At roughly 4 p.m. today, thousands of New Yorkers were forced to walk down stairs and find their own way home when a damaged power grid plunged the entire city into temporary darkness. But the most amazing part of this story is that major news outlets think the rest of us give a crap. Oh, poor New Yorkers! Couldn't ride their subway. Oh, poor New Yorkers! Had to take the stairs. You know, when the power goes out anywhere else in the world, we light candles we don't automatically assume it's another 9/11. If you ask us, these people need to remember there's a whole other world outside lower east Manhattan. Really! We haven't seen so many drama queens since the last episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 15

In another sign that we will soon be led by a bevy of ambitious celebrities, word is that Rob Lowe is signing on as one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign advisors. What, you say? Isn't Rob Lowe a Democrat? Didn't he get in hot water awhile back for that videotaped hotel-room naked romp with an underage girl at the 1988 DEMOCRATIC convention? Yes! But celebrity outweighs politics. It gets better. Apparently Rob and Arnold-spouse Maria Shriver, also a Democrat, are "longtime friends." Does Arnold find that creepy, or is it just us? No word yet on Lowe's duties from Schwarzenegger himself. At Conan's HQ, a spokeswoman allowed that an announcement on campaign staff would be made in the "coming days"--perhaps around the same time Arnold will finally get around to sharing his policy vision for the state.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 16

The Canadian stripper who supposedly bonked B.AFF has sued the National Enquirer, saying the tabloid libeled and slandered her in an article about the alleged liaison. The lawsuit claims the Aug. 12 issue of the Enquirer falsely reported that Antonella Santini banged B.AFF for money! The suit further charges that next week's Enquirer (reserve yours at the Plaid Pantry now!) includes an interview with another dancer, Tammy Morris, which contains more falsehoods about Santini. It also alleges that Morris received $100,000 from the Enquirer and may have taken an anti-anxiety medication to help her pass a lie-detector test. The Enquirer said it stands by its story. The lawsuit, which seeks unspecified damages, names the Enquirer, Morris, and three reporters as defendants. According to the suit, Santini and other dancers performed for Affleck in the VIP room of Brandi's, the Vancouver, British Columbia, club where Santini works. The club also says there was no inappropriate touching between Santini and Affleck--they were merely talking politics.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 17

Imagine--if you will--$1 million worth of marijuana. That would be a lot. Enough to get several hiphop artists high for some time. Which is probably why someone sent Universal Records--home to Eminem, 50 Cent, and Ja Rule--$1 million worth of marijuana in the mail the other day. According to the New York Post, a huge box weighing 150 pounds was delivered to 1755 Broadway. It was addressed only to "Ronnie." The building's guards were immediately suspicious of the package and tried to pass it through an X-ray machine. Nothing. So they decided to open it. Inside were four smaller, but still big, boxes of marijuana with a street value estimated at over $1 million. The guards, who are either very smart or very, very stupid, called the FBI. The clever G-men theorize that the ganja was for someone at Universal and "Ronnie" was a code. We hope so, or someone actually named Ronnie is going to be really, really pissed.