As much as we'd like to deny it, LOVE is a complicated concept. How else would you explain Arnie Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver? Or Renee Zellweger and Jack White? Or Bill O'Reilly and the voice of Bill O'Reilly? And for those same complicated reasons, J.LO is setting herself up to become a three-time loser by marrying B.AFF on the Hawaiian island of Kauai on September 13. According to British tab The Sun, the date is finally set and the guest list will include Matt Damon, Bruce Willis, Colin Farrell, Matthew Perry, Alec Baldwin, Joaquin Phoenix--in other words, everyone in Hollywood she hasn't already married. But the big question is: Will there be an appearance by former LO paramour, Sean "H.R. Puff 'N' Diddy" Combs? Tongues are wagging that because of B.AFF's recent stripper problems, Jenny has returned to the block to seek support from Diddy--much to the consternation of Affleck. During a recent party, B.AFF was asked why his lady was not on his arm, causing him to snap, "She's probably with P. Diddy." [Just in case you're worried, our invitation hasn't arrived yet, either.] MEANWHILE! Complications are likewise brewing for the princess of poptarts, Britney Spears. Though she sternly denies it (which means its absolutely TRUE) it seems the Britta is now dating former My So-Called Life heartthrob Jared Leto. While no actual canoodling has been reported, the duo have been seen on two separate occasions in the past week: dining together at Ashton Kutcher's L.A. diner Dolce, and sneaking out early from B.AFF's 31st birthday bash (which, BTW, was curiously bereft of strippers). Why is the Spears/ Leto pairing a complication? Jared was dumped not so long ago by his fiancée at the time, Cameron Diaz, who is currently dating you got it: Britney's former flame, Justin Timberlake. As the former Mouseketeers have been known to sing, "It's a Small World After All."
TUESDAY, AUGUST 19
If you're one of those people who still thinks things are going fine and dandy in post-war Iraq well you're wrong. And plenty of proof was provided today when a suicide bomber in a cement truck brought down much of the U.N. headquarters in Baghdad, killing 20 and wounding at least 100. Among the dead was top U.N. envoy Sergio Vieira de Mello, who's presumed to be the actual target. This bombing joins the daily guerrilla attacks that have been slowly decimating U.S. forces, the recent car bombing at the Jordanian embassy, and the suspected sabotage against the Iraqi oil pipeline. Needless to say, these continuous attacks are making the Bush Administration's rosy outlook for the region seem let's lay it out on the line, shall we? Pretty Fucking Stupid. Bush learned of the bombing while playing golf at his Texas ranch, and after 12 holes decided to cut his game short and address the issue. "The Iraqis who want peace and freedom must reject [these terrorists] and fight terror," the President said in a four-minute speech that did not allow for any questions. It seems to be the opinion of the administration that the Iraqis should start cleaning up after themselves, because after all, our war left behind quite a mess!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20
In his first attempt to convince residents he's not just another steroid-addled Nazi sympathizer, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced his official economic platform to California voters today. In a nutshell: Spending cuts, Ja! Tax hikes, Nein! "The people of California are under (the yoke of) tax," said Herr Schwarzenegger. "From the time they flush their toilet in the morning, they are taxed Even when they go to bed, they have the fear that they will be taxed while they sleep." And Schwarzie should know, having taxed the patience of movie-goers for 25 years. MEANWHILE! After the LA Times reported that talent agency CAA would help the goose-stepping muscle-man with his gubernatorial run, the promoters hit the roof. "The information in the Times article was false and misleading," CAA said in a statement. "It would be inappropriate for us to endorse candidates." Especially when CAA's 570 employees are overwhelmingly Democratic. Among the pissed off are Tom Hanks, Woody Harrelson, Martin Sheen, and Cybill Shepherd who is less than thrilled with Arnie's campaign. "I think [Arnold] is a real hypocrite," Cybill said to Access Hollywood. "I think he has a past that is going to come out, and I'm not going to mention what it is, but it's not going to be pretty." Stay tuned, One Day at a Time readers! When the un-pretty truth comes out, we'll be there!
THURSDAY, AUGUST 21
You think One Day is too hard on conservatives, don't you? Well, happily, we now have a scientific study that backs up our findings. According to a government-sponsored study called "Political Conservatism as Motivated Social Cognition," psychologists say that conservatism can actually be explained as "a set of neuroses rooted in fear and aggression, dogmatism and the intolerance of ambiguity." And as examples of such an affliction, the report provided four people you may have heard of: Hitler, Mussolini, Ronald Reagan, and rightwing talkshow host, Rush Limbaugh. "Waitasecond! Where's Bush?" we hear you cry. Don't worry, Bush was included under the section that studies conservatives who despise ambiguity. Psychologist Jack Glaser noted in the report that "aversion to shades of grey" and the "need for closure" could explain why Bush chose to ignore advisors who argued against his "Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction" theory. We guess this is the cue for Republicans to come out with their own study entitled, "Why Liberals Think They're So Smart, When They are Really D-U-M-B."
FRIDAY, AUGUST 22 According to The New York Times, the Indian minister of health has reported that locally produced Pepsi and Coca-Cola products have marginally higher levels of pesticides than are acceptable under European Union standards. Pesticides in soft drinks--you'd think that would be troubling to companies, yes? Nope! It's GREAT news! Both Pepsi and Coke were delighted to hear that the levels are NOT as deadly as earlier testing has indicated. Officials from both companies said they felt vindicated by the new test results and remain firm in their stance that the pesticides in the soda pop from Schenectady will kill you just as fast as the pesticides in the soda pop from India. That sort of corporate responsibility is heartwarming, isn't it?
SATURDAY, AUGUST 23
Are you a victim of the SoBig virus? You're not alone. According to CNN one in 17 emails sent over the Internet by Thursday were infected with the nasty bug. We can only thank Christ that the clever folk at this paper know better than to open unfamiliar attachments. Re: Thank you! Today, as tech guys at companies all over the globe stayed jacked-up on Mountain Dew trying to ramp up protection systems, the hunt was on for a small number of infected machines bombarding the Internet with infectious emails. Re: Your details. It is presumed that the owners of the virulent PCs are not even aware of their beloved hard drive's role in the epidemic. Re: Approved. If a group of men with pocket protectors and badges come to your home and demand your desktop--LET THEM HAVE IT. SoBig is the fastest spreading virus ever, attacking hundreds of thousands of computers. If you come across ANY suspicious subject lines in ANY context delete them immediately. Re: Have a nice day.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 24
As reported last week in One Day, Fox News scaled to new heights of stupidity when they filed a trademark infringement suit against comedian Al Franken for using the words "fair and balanced" in the title of his new book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. The network argued that readers might confuse the satirical tome for a Fox News publication. Happily, the judge correctly noted that Fox was full of shit, and threw the case out on its ass. After thanking the network for the added publicity, Franken also gave kudos to the Fox lawyers "for filing one of the stupidest briefs I've ever seen in my life." And just in case you'd like to tell Fox what you think of their "fair and balanced" coverage, send them an email at