MONDAY, AUGUST 25 It was a tough week for the noses of Tinseltown, as it was reported at least three celebrity honkers got an alleged plastic surgery snip. Probably the biggest of the three belongs to no other than the snoot-astic Barbra Streisand, who, according to PeopleNews, was photographed leaving a plastic surgery clinic wearing an adorable bee-keeper's hat and veil combo. This nosey nip comes on the heels of another schnozzola getting snipped, belonging to easy-listening icon Barry Manilow--who still unfortunately claims he's wearing a prominent nose bandage because he "walked into a wall.Ó Well, with a nose like that, one could walk through several walls. And the third plastic surgery casualty? Happily it's someone who's popular in this century; that winsome and beloved star of Sex in the City and Square Pegs, Sarah Jessica Parker. Brit magazine Heat actually hired a top cosmetic expert to study recent pix and decipher whether Sarah has indeed surgically de-growed her nose. "If you look at the sides of Sarah's nose,Ó theorizes expert Jan Stanek, "you can see that her bump looks like it's been reduced slightly and the end of her nose looks less bulbous.Ó What do we think? Well, let's put it this way: while we would never compare Sarah's nose to a banana--it's a good thing it's not yellow.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26 Recently One Day at a Time has been accused of being "biasedÓ and sometimes "just flat-out rudeÓ to those people with ideological differences--mmmmmÉ like that dickhead Bush. However, since we regard ourselves as journalists of the highest order, we will now make an attempt at putting a "positive spinÓ on certain stories--just like they do at Fox News! (God forbid we're not "fair and balanced.Ó) Today, President George W. Bush set a new recordÉ and everyone is very proud. It seems that never before in history has a war killed more people after the actual fighting has stopped. During the war on Iraq, 138 soldiers lost their lives. However, since Bush officially declared an end to major combat operations on May 1, the new death count is 140! YEAH! WHOO! Allllll-RIGHT! According to the 140th soldier who put the death count over the top by being killed just this morning by a sniper's bullet, "it's like, how lucky can you be? I feel like Ed McMahon just rang my doorbell!Ó Congratulations dead soldier, and congratulations President Bush. Here's to 140 more!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27

And just to prove we're serious about this "niceÓ thing, we're going to go easier on the whole "Arnie Schwarzenegger is a NaziÓ thingy. (Although it's a FACT he had no concept of fashion before Maria got hold of him.) Today the Smoking Gun website released a 1977 interview the muscle-fied strongman gave to Oui magazine--which believe us, has no relation to Mademoiselle. The interview with writer Peter Manso has stirred up quite a ruckus around his current political campaign. Why? We have no idea. We think his quotes will only reflect positively on his run for the governorship of California. For example, when Manso asked, "Is your cock disproportionate to the rest of you?Ó Schwarzie replied, "Well, that depends on what you call disproportionateÉ Women have told me they're curiousÉ you know, outgoing chicks who're just trying to be outrageous or horny. I hear all kind of lines, including 'Oh, you're hurting me; you're so big.' But it means nothing. Bodybuilders' cocks are the same size as everyone else's.Ó See? He's MODEST! And when asked if he ever felt "exploitedÓ by women, he responded, "No, I'd feel used if I didn't get something out of it. If a girl comes on strong and says, 'I really dig your body, and I want to fuck the shit out of you,' I just decide whether or not I like her. The word 'exploited' therefore wouldn't apply.Ó See? He's for EQUAL RIGHTS! And when asked if he gets "freaked outÓ from being in close contact with other guys at the gym, he sagely retorted, "Men shouldn't feel like fags just because they want to have nice-looking bodiesÉGay people are fighting the same kind of stereotyping that bodybuilders are. Well, I have absolutely no hang-ups about the fag businessÉ.Ó See? That's how he will renew the beleaguered California economy. By supporting the FAG BUSINESS!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 28

But it isn't just One Day that's decided to jump on the Arnie bandwagon; Jamie Lee Curtis, former castmate in the Schwarzie film True Lies, leapt to the steroid-enhanced millionaire's defense today telling the press and other pooh-poohing naysayers to BACK OFF. Referencing the Oui interview, Curtis said she doesn't believe a candidate's past should be bandied about during his campaign. "I'll say three little words,Ó Curtis intoned. "LegitimateÉ publicÉ concern. The criteria of what's important to talk about and what's not. What's important are his views today. That is why you're going to vote for him--not because he had relations with women when he was a young, single man. [We think she's referring to the part of the interview where he was bragging about gangbanging a black chick.] I know who he is as a man now, and he's an honorable, great, great man.Ó That's all we needed to hear! Arnie for Governor!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29

The Associated Press reported today that nearly one in five female Air Force Academy cadets say they have been sexually assaulted in their time at the academy--a ratio that came as a great shock to the school's new commanding officer. The findings come from a Defense Department survey considered to be just the tip of the iceberg. The questionnaire administered this year showed that 109 of the 579 female cadets surveyed, or 18.8 percent, said they had been sexually assaulted during their time at the academy. "I've seen the numbers, and we have a problem,Ó said Brig. Gen. Johnny Weida, commandant of cadets. "One in five? They should be in the three-in-five range. What? Are our female cadets not attractive enough?Ó

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30

Thaddeus "ScottÓ Carson was arrested today after brandishing a sword at a jogging off-duty officer. Carson was in full costume to play Lord Talbot in a Northwest Classical Theatre Company production of King Henry VI, Part I. The jogging cop was running west on Southwest Madison near Fourth Avenue when he either came across an actor warming up, or a drunken ex-con brandishing a deadly instrument, depending on who you ask. The officer said, "Hey, man. Be careful with that thing.Ó (Referring to the sword.) Carson continued to brandish the prop. He was arrested on charges of menacing an officer and being an ex-con in possession of a restricted weapon. It turns out that Carson was convicted in 1994 of first-degree sodomy, rape, and sex abuse. (He was playing Jack the Ripper at the time.) At the time of his arrest, he was wearing long, dark hair extensions, a chain mail suit, and tall leather boots. The Earl of Warwick, Donovan Snyder, was informed that the play would have to go on without Carson. One of the play's directors read Lord Talbot's lines.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 31

According to CNN, 40 of the 100 Miss Italy semifinal contestants have broken out in a nasty facial rash. Dermatologists blame decorative metallic patterns stuck onto the girls' skin combined with heat and sweat. The reaction is expected to last 72 hours at the most. Some of the contestants are said to be considering legal action. Organizers of the event were quick to say the make-up misfortune had no effect on the end results as finalists had already been chosen before the rashes flared. You know, if this sort of thing happened at the Miss America Pageant, we might actually watch it.