OH, that's just GREAT. After purchasing the airline ticket, the new Vera Wang strapless, and a pair of absolutely darling Manolo Blahniks, J.LO and B.AFF have done the unthinkable, and CANCELLED THE WEDDING. Apparently our time and effort means nothing to them. Do you think California's Four Season's Biltmore is in the habit of returning security deposits for their reserved rooms? No, they are not. Do you think internationally famous hair designer Oribe is going to be forgiving when we cancel our appointment with less than 48 hours notice? No, he is not. But, OH, let's forget all that, because something more IMPORTANT has arisen: J.LO and B.AFF are uncomfortable with the PRESS attending their stupid wedding! Well, let me tell you something, Ms. Thing. When we married hubby Kip, we would've been far happier if most of our wedding guests had been dropped into a boiling vat of oil. Weddings have been ruined FOR CENTURIES by people we don't want in attendance. And you know what? That's TOUGH SHIT. Your wedding day isn't for you--otherwise you could walk down the aisle in sweatpants, rather than a $5000 Alfred Angelo you'll never wear again. Weddings are intended for everyone else; your drunken lecherous Uncle Charlie, your sullen cigarette-smoking nephew Jeff and your possibly insane Grandma Romano who looks like she fell into a vat of clown makeup. It's a day for you to be uncomfortable, premenstrual, and regretting the moment you ever agreed to be the wife of that lazy, no-good, trifling man. And by canceling your wedding, you have robbed ALL OF US of that precious moment when you realize you've made the WORST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE. So, thank you, J.LO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9
As reported last week in One Day, the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has made good on their threat to bring lawsuits against people who they claim are illegally downloading music--and they've started with a 12-year-old girl from the projects. Brianna LaHara, an honors student who lives in a New York City housing project, was one of 261 people that received a notification of copyright infringement. Happily for the RIAA, however, Brianna and her mother settled out of court by paying $2000 and issuing an apology. "I am sorry for what I have done," Brianna was obviously forced to say by those bloodsucking leeches in the recording industry. "I love music and don't want to hurt the artists I love." And while every last member of the RIAA will undoubtedly suffer eternal damnation in the warmest region of hell, some funny stuff happened today, too. The amusingly named Durwood Pickle, 71, of Richardson, Texas also received a legal notice from the RIAA, and though he claims it was his grandchildren downloading those illegal copies of Busta Rhymes' "Light that Ass on Fire," he presented a convincing, and hilarious, defense. "I'm not a computer-type person," he said. "[My grandchildren] come in and get on the computer. How do I get out of this situation? Dadgum it, got to get a lawyer on this."
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10
And now a report from the crazy, violent world of "Rap." 50 Cent (aka Curtis Jackson, aka "Fiddy") was fired upon today by unknown assailants during a stay at the Jersey city Doubletree Hotel. Curiously, the hotel staff waited almost 30 minutes to call 911 after the shooting, and the uninjured Fiddy disappeared when police began their questioning. Even more curiously, Fiddy's arch-nemesis Ja Rule and his crew were working nearby on a movie set when the shooting occurred. Last week, D.O. Cannon--a friend of Ja Rule's who also recorded on the Murder Inc. label--was murdered, and just days before, a member of 50 Cent's crew was gunned down a few miles away. Now we're not saying these guys get what they're asking for, butÉ we don't recall James Taylor ever busting a cap in Barry Manilow's ass. MEANWHILE! Rap star Nelly is facing an uphill battle with his newest business venture, producing an energy drink called Pimp Juice. Angry African American groups are claiming the drink would glorify the pimp lifestyle, and should be the subject of a boycott. According to Rev. Paul Scott of the Messianic Afrikan Nation, "As black men, we should be building a nation of strong black leaders, not a nation of super-energized, drunk pimps." And that, One Day fans, is "Ann Romano's Quote of the Week!"
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 11
While most of today's daily papers seem content with reporting maudlin, unquestioning stories surrounding the anniversary of the September 11 attacks, reporter William Bunch of the Philadelphia Inquirer has written a scary, incisive article bringing this infamous day into perspective. Entitled "Why Don't We Have Answers to These 9/11 Questions?" Bunch gathers together 20 of the most baffling queries surrounding the attacks, and postulates on why they haven't been answered. For example, Bunch brings up the CIA report (documenting Osama bin Laden's methods of operation--including hijacking) that President Bush received on August 6, 2001É and after September 11, refused to release, claiming "executive privilege." Bunch also brings to the surface reports of guns being aboard the hijacked flights, botched attempts to intercept the airliners using military jets, and the Saudis' clear involvement with the tragedy, as well as their protected status within the Bush Administration. Don't let another September 11 pass before reading this article.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
Today, we awoke to the news that a great American passed during the night. Yes, John Ritter. The comedic genius who, as Jack Tripper, brought the notion of ménage a trois to mainstream American consciousness, died of a heart attack at the age of 54. The ABC network mourned for exactly 27 seconds before scrambling to determine what would become of Ritter's hit sitcom 8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter. The network is reportedly considering killing off Ritter's character--because that would be really funny. Our sources say that one storyline would explore the kids' antics in reaction to their father's suicide. They become wards of the state after an incident involving a straight razor and special guest star Connie Selleca. The network is also toying with calling next season 8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Foster Child. Meanwhile! Apparently, a minor country music star also died today.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
The New York Times reported today that the administration's color-coded terrorism alert system is going to be redesigned so that we're not bumping up to orange every time a four star general sneezes. Our hubby Kip, as you may or may not know, is color blind--or as he prefers to be called, "color retarded"--so this whole color chart thing really passed him by. (I've convinced the poor dear we're at "green," and that the war on terror is overÉlike Cameron Diaz, he gets a skin infection when he's stressed.) Which leads me to wonder if we shouldn't just go with some other kind of terror alert system like, oh, language. Something like, "You should be worried," or "You should be VERY worried." But what do we know? We're sure the folks at the Homeland Security Council have a much better handle on all this than we do.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
NOOO! Today People Magazine confirmed our worst fears! B.AFF and J.LO are officially splitsville! Ben has fled to Vegas and Jen has fled to Miami. Why? OH WHY? According to People, Affleck had "second thoughts" about their wedding. Lopez was reportedly "devastated" and "in tears." To make matters more distressing, it might very well be that B.AFF and J.LO are pulling a major fake-out to distract the press while they secretly rendezvous to solemnize their vows!! What is a celebrity stalker to do in the face of such dirty pool?? Several members of the paparazzi are currently wandering the streets of Santa Barbara in daze, cameras poised, on the off chance B.AFF and J.LO go riding by in a white carriage. Of course, we are devastated. Especially since we just subscribed to In Style in the hopes of a Ben-Jen celebrity wedding special issue.