MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

Okay everybody--big sigh of relief. Apparently, the wedding of the millennium is back on. AfterJ.LO and B.AFF's $3.2 million wedding pooped the bed, and following some tense negotiation between the two at Ben's Georgia mansion, it would appear as if Hollywood's most harassed couple (and rightfully so!) are back on the path of unholy matrimony. The two have been spotted tooling around the countryside on B.AFF's motorcycle--with J.LO's finger protected by her $1 million pink diamond engagement ring. But most shockingly, B.AFF has confessed to In Touch magazine that the wedding will take place. (Just to be clear, the fact they're still going to get married isn't so shocking; it's that he talked to In Touch magazine, which is known throughout the gossip industry as the retarded cousin to People.) He also bitched to the mag about the big media hoopty-doo over the pair's trip to a Georgia courthouse. "What's the big deal? We were just getting a gun permit, and they think we got married," he yelped. (Just to be clear, the "big deal" isn't them getting married; we thought he was going to use his new gun to shoot Jennifer in the head.) B.AFF continued, saying that while the date and location have not been set, the wedding will eventually happen and the two will remain in Georgia to escape the oppressive glare of the evil media. "Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston don't get hounded like this," B.AFF sniffed. (Just to be clear, Aniston is 13 episodes away from being a former TV star, and Pitt hasn't had a decent movie in four years. On the other hand, it's been six years since Ben's turned in a believable performance, soÉ maybe he has a point.)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30

"There's too much leaking in Washington," President Bush noted today. "I want to know who the leakers are." Though we thoroughly despise his policies, you gotta love a President who issues quotes like that. Today the FBI started a full-scale investigation into whether White House officials leaked the name of an undercover CIA operative to the press. The name of the agent was revealed to Robert Novak of Newsday, in order to reportedly punish the officer's husband--an ambassador who has been loudly shit-talking the President's decision to invade Iraq. Just so you know, revealing the name of a CIA operative is a Federal crime punishable by up to 10 years in prison. Novak published the story back in July, and said his report was based on tips from two senior administration officials. Ouch. This is the kind of story that makes Republicans wish they hadn't made such a big deal about Clinton's proclivities for oral sex during the workweek.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1

Not a whole lot happened today.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2

However, a virtual truck-load of events happened today! First, it was a busy day for rocker Courtney Love who was arrested for breaking and entering--and then later in the afternoon hospitalized for a drug overdose. According to the Los Angeles Times, the former rock 'n' roll hellion was picked up by police for breaking four windows in an attempt to illegally enter a friend's apartment. After posting $2,500 bail, Love was released, and less than an hour later was picked up again after reportedly suffering a drug overdose. Though treated at the Century City Hospital, by late Thursday afternoon it was reported Love was nowhere to be foundÉ so we'll assume she's off urinating in public libraries or shooting BB guns at puppies. Meanwhile! This week's "No Shit Sherlock" award goes to Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay who, in a report to Congress, revealed that their search for Iraqi "Weapons of Mass Destruction" have come up a big, fat ZERO. The White House has been scrambling to shift blame for what is turning out to be a monstrous debacle, pointing their crooked, bony, foul-smelling fingers at the CIA for faulty intelligence. Happily, the American public isn't buying their bullshit and is finally waking up to smell the coffee. According to a CBS/New York Times poll, President Bush's approval ratings are nearing a record low at 44 percent, and 53 percent now believe the Iraq war wasn't worth the trouble. And while One Day doesn't enjoy reveling in the failures of others, we would like to mention one thing: WE TOLD YOU SO. Meanwhile! California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger publicly apologized for years of playing grab-ass on "rowdy" movie sets. Arnie spoke up after a politically devastating report in the Los Angeles Times, which contained accounts from six women who claim they were victims of Schwarz-ified sexual misconduct. [One female crewmember working on Terminator 2: Judgment Day alleged that Arnie pulled her into his lap and whispered, "Have you ever had a man slide his tongue in your anus?" OkayÉ all together now. EWWWWWWWW!] Today at a campaign stop in San Diego, The Harrassinator apologized for years of naughty conduct--and by the way, this next section works better if you read it aloud in your best Austrian accent. "Let me tell you something," Arnie said. "Yes, I have behaved badly sometimes. Yes, it was true that I was on rowdy movie sets, and I have done things that were not rightÉ but now I recognize I have offended people." Arnie concluded with, "When I'm governor, I want to prove to the women that I will be a champion for the women. And I hope you will give me the chance to prove that." By sliding your tongue up our collective anus? We don't think so. (However, it might be a great way to solidify the gay vote!)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3

The New York Times reported today that police in Cairo have arrested a truck driver for trying to sell a 2,500-year-old mummy. The truck driver bought the mummy for $7,000 from a man who said he "found it in the desert." (We used that same line when the RA caught us with a margarita in our dorm room freshman year.) He hoped to sell his new mummy for $2 million--which is about what they go for in the Sky Mall catalog. But the mummy wasn't cursed and didn't come to life or anything. Needless to say, the trucker didn't get any good offers, even after touring Cairo's upscale neighborhoods with the mummy in the back of his truck. By the time he was picked up, he had stopped asking for millions and was asking for just enough to pay off a tractor loan. Oh, c'mon! He's never heard of eBay?

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4

We've done our share of Siegfried & Roy mocking. For that, we apologize. We do not regret it. But now that Roy has been mauled by a tiger in front of a live Las Vegas audience, mocking the man seems in poor taste. (Is Roy the blonde or brunette?) Anyway, here's the sad story: Roy had just introduced the tiger, when the big cat, unimpressed by the illusionist's sinewy physicality and minor plastic surgery, lunged for Roy's throat and then promptly dragged him off stage. Roy attempted to beat the tiger off with a microphone but, well, it was GIANT FUCKING TIGER and a LITTLE GODDAMN MICROPHONE. At the time of this writing, Roy's condition is uncertain and his chances for recovery murky. The tiger has been quarantined at The Mirage. Siegfried has been quarantined at Treasure Island.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5

Feeling cranky? Dull? Irksome? Do you find yourself at the Louis Vuitton store every day no closer to deciding if you want the LV shower mules or the LV ballet slip-ons? Perhaps your roommate is right. You ARE depressed. Take heart, because Thursday, October 9 is National Depression Screening Day! Normally we might wait until Thursday to write about this important national event, but by then you would have already missed your opportunity to get screened, and what help would that be? Besides you can't possibly afford a PROFESSIONAL depression screening. But a free one? What the hell! To find out where these FREE screenings will be taking place, just go to mentalhealthscreening.org. Pack an overnight bag in case you are immediately institutionalized.