True to their word, J.LO and B.AFF are keeping a low profile this week (in other words, no juicy gossip about impending nuptials or messy breakups-- sorry!). But not to worry. We still managed to dig you up a tidbit about their downward spiraling careers. Now, if you saw Gigli, the pair's first film together, then you know you'd rather punch out your eyeballs with a sharpened pencil than to ever again subject yourself to such unmitigated torture. The people at Miramax also know this, and that's why they're going to try and trick you into seeing the pair's next movie Jersey Girl--by removing their pictures from the advertising entirely. A source tells Us Weekly, "After Gigli, (Miramax) doesn't want to take any chances with another laughing stock flop. They're going to promote this as a (director) Kevin Smith movie." If you don't know who Kevin Smith is, try stepping into a comic book store. They'll tell you more than you ever needed to know. But here's our question! Is it enough to simply erase B.AFF and J.LO from the advertising? If they really want to ensure the film's success, they should hire George Lucas to digitally replace the two with some CGI dinosaurs! Meanwhile! We're beginning to genuinely suspect that our boyfriend Justin Timberlake might beÉ wellÉ a sissy. Agreeing to host the Celine Dion special was one thing. Agreeing to appear on McDonald's commercials was another. But letting acne hag Cameron Diaz push him around in public? Ouch. After the New York premiere of Kill Bill, the two chose to boogie down at posh nightspot Suede, but it was Cameron doing all the boogie-ing--and with another boy! When Justin noticed the two getting freaky on the dance floor, he marched over, stamped his demure foot and insisted that Cam stop making a "fool" out of herself. Boys, just so you know, this is a bad move. The 30-year-old Cam quickly told the 21-year-old Justin in no uncertain terms to "grow up," and Timberlake exhibited his newfound maturity by stomping out of the club in a huff. We never thought we'd hear ourselves say this, butÉ maybe Britney was right?
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7
Today California governor Gray Davis was informed the state would prefer to have a steroid-pumped, alleged Hitler sympathizer in office, and would he please leave? That's right, Arnold "Have You Ever Had a Man Slide His Tongue in Your Anus" Schwarzenegger has been voted the new governor-elect of California--and frankly, we could care less. Why? Because we hate Californians and think they deserve whatever they get. And secondly, no more new Schwarzenegger/Danny DeVito movies for at least four years--guaranteed! It's like a dream come true! And while tonight's election was a virtual landslide for the so-called Harassinator, what happened to the rest of the celebrities who spent their hard-earned time and money to campaign for governor? Let's find out! Surprisingly, people like the diminutive actor Gary Coleman did far better than expected, gathering over 12,500 votes and ending up in the number eight position of the top 10 vote getters. And porn impresario Larry Flynt did even better, coming in at number seven with 15,500 votes. Even X-rated actress Mary Carey made the top 10, and will use the experience to fuel the plot of her next porn movie, entitled Mary Carey for Governor. This deep, penetrating look into the political process will co-star Ron Jeremy as failed candidate Cruz Bustamante, and the part of Schwarzie will be cast as soon as they can find a porn actor who isn't disgusted by the part.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8
From the "How come he ain't dead?" department comes the following amazing bit of celeb gossip from this week's People magazine. Irish monobrowed hottie Colin Farrell has made an astonishing (even for him) announcement to British mag, Radio Times. In the interview, Farrell recalled the '90s, when his then-psychiatrist asked him to keep a weekly diary of all the drugs he ingested. For your amazement and entertainment we reprint one of those lists for you now:
Farrell's Weekly Intake (circa. 1990s)
20 Ecstasy Tabs
4 grams of coke
6 grams of speed
1/2 ounce of hash
3 bottles of Jack Daniels
12 bottles of red wine
60 pints of beer
and 280 cigarettes.
Oh, c'mon, Colin! If you're going to top Courtney Love, you're going to have to do better than that!
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 9
Sure, the giant tiger leapt on Roy, grabbed him by the throat and dragged the Las Vegas entertainer off stage, leaving him at death's door. But according to Roy's life-partner/pal Siegfried, it wasn't the tabby's fault! In an interview with CNN's Larry King, Siegfried defended the toothy great beast, saying the tiger was actually protecting Roy. According to Siggy, his partner tripped and fell onstage, causing the tiger to grab hold of Roy's arm. When the younger of the duo began whapping the beast on the head with the microphone, the 600-pound feline took Roy by the neck and dragged him offstage. "A cat is a tiger," Siegfried sagely noted. "And when he wants to protect his pal he does it the way a tiger does, with his strength." Roy remains in the hospital under critical condition, and to aid in his master's recovery, the tiger has sworn to further help Roy by taking up a collection of human blood.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10
Dear Courtney: Today we read in our major metropolitan daily that you have decided to enter rehab. That is so great. We just wanted to let you know that we (and Kip!) support your decision 100 percent. Sure, we've had our differences in the past. Nancy Spungen was a bitch. We should never have let her come between us. Like you would have really ever stolen our best torn fishnets! Listen, when you get out and are feeling better, give us a call. Do you still have our number? You copied it down off the bathroom wall at Satyricon that night, right? BTW: you still owe us 50 bucks for all that Valium we sold you in 1987. BTW 2: Saw you on The Osbournes! You looked great!
XO Ann (You knew me as Starshine)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 11
The maelstrom surrounding Jay Leno's choice to introduce Arnold Schwarzenegger's gubernatorial victory speech continued today as the media questioned whether Jay should be held to NBC's rigorous, non-partisan standards. Many analysts were shocked that Jay could be so dense as to reveal himself on national television as a conservative, short-sighted, celebrity-blinded putz. Then they remembered they were talking about Jay Leno and immediately apologized for their own shortcomings as analysts.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 12
The New York Times reported today that the anti-fat person jihad has made its way into the American workplace. Apparently employees at a new Sprint office campus in Kansas are being made to play table tennis, walk a half-mile from the parking garage and forgo the elevator for the stairs. In the opinion of yours truly, this sort of political pro-health agenda has no place at the office. Workers forced to play table tennis is just a hair's-breadth away from Jews forced to make ammunition in labor camps. Where will it end? Bikram yoga with the boss? If you ask us they ought to redirect all the money from this obesity awareness campaign into funding national health care. Then when we are all diagnosed with diabetes, at least we'll have health insurance. (Can you take insulin if you're on the South Beach Diet?)