According to the British tabloid The Daily Star, actress Cameron Diaz and pop star Justin Timberlake are engaged to be married--so what are we waiting for? LET'S START TEARING DOWN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. Much like the ill-fated J.LO/B.AFF wedding, it is so obvious that this union is never going to work. Therefore we see it as our job to spread as much malicious gossip about this pair as possible, watch them crumble under a mountain of half-baked accusations, which will eventually hasten the demise of their romance. Think that's cruel? Such is the price of fame. Besides, we warned Timberlake to turn down that Celine Dion special! Next week: Cameron's excessive acne problem. Meanwhile! Undeserving celebrity Paris Hilton (who's only famous for being the daughter of one of the world's richest men, and falling off the occasional bar stool) is simply aghast over her starring role in an amateur porn tape that's being distributed to various media outlets. According to the New York Post, the tape shows herself and Shannen Doherty's husband Rick Soloman in varying degrees of unattractive coitus. Says Paris' representative, "This was something she did with Rick while they were dating, after he was no longer with Shannen, and it was intended for their own personal use." Her blustering parents are also fuming, saying in a tersely worded release, "The Hilton Family is greatly saddened at how low human beings will stoopÉ anyone involved in this video will be vigorously prosecuted." HmmmÉ sounds like Paris' first foray into film work isn't getting rave reviews. However, according to a source that's seen the tape, Paris is doing the best she can. "Paris keeps staring into the camera and trying to show her best side," says the snitch. Not to be too catty, but perhaps her "best side" is something her plastic surgeon should be focusing on.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4
Today the CBS network did the expected, and canceled the upcoming controversial biopic on Ronald and Nancy Reagan. The four-hour mini-series has drawn an inordinate amount of flack from the right wing who historically place the former President on a rung just below Jesus Christ and Rush Limbaugh. Though two weeks ago the network proclaimed the TV movie as "meticulously researchedÉoffering a respectful and balanced portrayal of the Reagans," today the CBS upper echelon declared that now it suddenly "does not present a balanced portrayal" of the doddering conservative couple--all the while insisting their decision had nothing to do with an overwhelming barrage of complaints and boycott threats from Republicans. However, this is not to say that CBS will stop making movies about the political process. Tune in next season for a new TV movie which has already been given the green light by conservatives, entitled, "I Won That Election Fair and Square, and There Really Are Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq: The George W. Bush Story."
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 5
"Today at last the American people and our government have confronted the violence and come to the defense of the innocent child," said President Bush, who surprisingly wasn't talking about saving the lives of children in war-torn Iraq! Turns out he's talking about "partial birth abortion!" After years of haggling, protests and two presidential vetoes, Bush signed into law the most damaging restrictions to abortion rights in the last 30 years. But happily, this blatant attempt to woo back the religious right was only partially successful as within less than an hour of the signing, a Nebraska judge metaphorically told Bush to cram his new bill up his presidential ass. U.S. District Judge Richard Kopf issued a temporary restraining order after four doctors who practice abortions brought the matter to him. After noting that restraining the new law would ensure the protection of a woman's health, a lawyer for the Justice Department Anthony Coppolino stepped up to argue against the judge's decision. "I'm mindful of the court's concerns," said Coppolino, "but we ask that you give consideration to the deep concerns of Congress. [Partial birth abortion] is an abhorrent and useless procedure." However, the judge countered by saying he could find no record of doctors who performed late-term abortions testifying before Congress, adding, "Isn't that important if Congress was really interested in knowing about this procedure?" In other words, IN YOUR FACE, Justice Department!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 6
It may be hard to believe, but lesbian and former talk show host Rosie O'Donnell has made someone cry. The portly comedienne is currently embroiled in a blistering lawsuit with the owners of her failed magazine, Rosie, and today the former head of marketing, Cindy Spengler, took the stand. It seems Rosie had called a meeting with the bosses to discuss the mag's many problems, and when Spengler refused to speak up for O'Donnell, she was read the Rosie Riot Act. According to Spengler, Rosie pulled her aside afterwards and pointed out that her silence was tantamount to lying. She then quotes Rosie as saying, "You know what happens to people who lie. They get sick, and they get cancer. If they keep lying, they get it again." Spengler then burst into tears, because she presumably now has cancer. O'Donnell is counter-suing the owners for $125 million, and plans to use the money to start the "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire Cancer Research Institute."
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 7
In a blow to celebrity lawsuit damages packages, The High Court in England has ordered Hello! to pay Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones a mere $24,220 in damages, rather than the $835,000 they had sought for the publication of unauthorized (and, more to the point, unflattering) photos of their Big Day. Of course $24,220 is what Catherine pays her personal trainer in a week, and what Michael pays for one jowl maintenance procedure. Michael and Catherine were so unimpressed with the amount that they immediately agreed to give it away to the Family Learning Center in Bermuda. The court also ordered Hello! to pay $1.7 million to the owner of rival publication OK!, which had an exclusive deal for pictures of the couple's nuptials. The power couple maintains that the court's decision was a victory, and that magazines with exclamation points in their titles are a stupid idea anyway.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 8
For those who cannot get enough of Jessica Simpson on Newlyweds, the Associated Press reports that she has reached a deal with ABC to develop a comedy. No details about the concept have been released, but we're guessing that ABC won't miss an opportunity to highlight Jessica's keen intelligence, pragmatic nature, and scholarly wit. Three possible scenarios:
1. Jessica plays a neurosurgeon who acts as a matchmaker for her patients. In the pilot she introduces a man with a brain tumor to a lady epileptic. Nick Lachey plays a hospital administrator.
2. Jessica plays a Beverly Hills big animal vet. In the pilot she is horribly deformed when a lion attacks her at the Neverland ranch and has to move in with her wry older sister. Nick Lachey plays the sister's neighbor.
3. Jessica plays a medical researcher. In the pilot she falls in love with a PETA activist (Nick Lachey) and decides to release her lab chimpanzees into the wild. But they are carrying a deadly virus and the two must spend the rest of the season hunting the chimps down one by one.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 9
The Russians continue their streak of groundbreaking, but ultimately doomed social movements with a campaign to "improve morals" in the Russian capital. Specifically, the Russians are grossed out by all the macking. According to the newspaper Stolichnyaya Vechernyaya Gazeta the government is working on an order that would prohibit kissing in subways and other public places. "People are making out even on the escalator in the metro. Something must be done about this," the newspaper quoted city education committee member Tatyana Maximova as saying. Fines would range from 300 to 500 rubles ($10 to $17). Poor kissing couples would be thrown in the clinker until somebody paid the fine or the couple in question agreed to wear prophylactic jalapeno lip-gloss.