WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19 Time has run out, and today two old adversaries finally met on the field of war. That's right, hotel heiress Paris Hilton and former 90210 star Shannen Doherty allegedly engaged in what many military analysts are calling "The Mother of All Catfights." The two have reportedly hated each other for some time now due to rumors that Hilton has been seeing Doherty's soon to be ex-hubby on the sly. However, the New York Post is saying the two duked it out at the Deluxe, a hoity-toity L.A. bar. Hilton described the incident with her usual genteel restraint: "Shannen is psycho! She grabbed my arm and my face and I have scratches and bruises! She screamed 'you motherfucker! Stay away from my husband!'" Hilton then claimed Doherty assaulted her car with eggs, Vaseline, and red lipstick. Doherty's rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, did her best to deny the charges. "This is completely ridiculous," she laughed. "Shannen didn't touch her, didn't egg her car, or write profanities in red lipstick." And like in the final moments of an episode of Murder, She Wrote, Zelnik threw down this overwhelming piece of evidentiary proof: "Shannen doesn't wear red lipstick." Also todayÉ George Bush declared war on Iraq.
MONDAY, MARCH 24 Our favorite trashy tabloid The Star is reporting that Paris Hilton found herself on the other side of the thrown highball courtesy of former Nick Cage and Michael Jackson amour, Lisa Marie Presley. The all-star event allegedly went down at Hollywood's Pig 'n' Whistle, where a screaming match occurred between the two, ending in Paris being dragged from the bar bellowing, "Lisa Marie just threw a drink at me because she thinks I fucked Nick Cage!" We hate to say it, but if Paris Hilton owned oil wells instead of hotels, President Bush would be bombing her like white on rice. And not even France would say a wordÉ
MONDAY, MARCH 31 It's a brand new week, and in the pages of One Day at a Time, Operation Catfight Freedom continues! This time a war of witchy words erupts between sworn enemies Kelly Osbourne and Christina Aguilera. In the past Kelly has--some say reasonably--called the slutty diva a "cunt" and a "disgusting human being." In this week's Heat magazine she has further words for Aguilera. "She's a pussy," Kelly snorted. "She has a mouth on her, but she's all talk. [Christina] was like 'Yo girl, artists for artists, yo, why you been talkin' shit?' I didn't understand a word she was saying. Then she made out like she had started a fight with me, to make herself look cool. She's like a fucking feather. I could pick her up and chuck her across the room." What's really fun is to re-read the previous paragraph substituting Donald Rumsfeld for Kelly Osbourne and Saddam Hussein for Christina Aguilera. As you will see, they're not all that different.
TUESDAY, APRIL 15 It's "Tax Day" and what could be more taxing than a fistfight with a chemo patient? Sharon Osbourne--the foul-mouthed matriarch of the Ozzy Osbourne clan--allegedly got in a knock-down drag-out with publicist Renee Tab at trendy Hollywood eatery Koi. Several sources speculate the two have been steaming mad ever since Renee won a $15,000 diamond necklace at one of Sharon's parties. Sharon--who is recovering nicely from colon cancer, thankyouverymuch--claims Renee was never invited to the shindig and therefore should return the necklace. Renee says she was a guest of an invited friend of Sharon's son Jack Osbourne, and there's no way she's giving back the goddamn necklace. Events came to a head tonight at Koi, when Renee's camp claims Sharon approached the table, and began screaming and spitting on her. While the 50-year-old Sharon didn't leave with the five-karat necklace, she was taken to the hospital after the 24-year-old Renee presented her with a five-knuckled sock in the jaw. Today Sharon has filed battery charges (for the sock) and Renee has filed battery charges (for the spit).
MONDAY, JUNE 2 What started out as a simple public apology has turned into one of the most invective-spewing, name-calling Hollywood catfights of the century! The cats in question? No other than indie director du jour Vincent Gallo and portly film critic Roger Ebert. It started after Gallo allegedly issued a public apology for his Cannes Film Fest flop, The Brown Bunny. But according to Gallo, he never said no such thing! "I never apologized for anything in my life," Gallo told the New York Post. "I like the movie. The only thing I'm sorry about is putting a curse on Roger Ebert's colon. If a fat pig like Roger Ebert doesn't like my movie, then I'm sorry for him." Refusing to take this insult wallowing in the trough, Ebert claimed he has lost 30 pounds and fired back at the director, "which means if Gallo gains 30 IQ points, we'll be even." Then, in response to Gallo's wanton attack on his colon, Ebert added, "I don't know what he meantÉ but when I had my last colonoscopy, they let me watch it on a little TV, and it was far more entertaining than Brown Bunny." Ka-ZING! But the war didn't stop there, because Ebert's zinger prompted yet another Gallo response via the Post. "You tell that hamhock Roger Ebert he could lose 30 pounds a day for the next four years and still be fat. As for the curse on his colon, what I actually said was that I put an unremovable black magic curse on his prostate, which will enlarge into a large cancerous ball by the fallÉ I want to challenge that fat cow to an IQ test!" When informed of Gallo's screeching response, Ebert replied, "I wish Mr. Gallo a speedy recovery." Game, set, match--Ebert.
MONDAY, JULY 14 In a surprising turn of events, Michael Jackson is rumored to have gotten into a fistfight with a girlÉ and won. Jacko was apparently taking the veiled kids out for a jaunt to Universal City when they were waylaid by a female photographer. A catfight allegedly ensued, and Jackson is said to have decked the photog with a "roundhouse kick to the head." Ha, ha, haaaaaaÉ right. Police are investigating the so-called confrontation, and are expected to discover that Jackson has as many "karate moves" as Saddam Hussein has "weapons of mass destruction."
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4 It was a very bad day for Las Vegas magician Roy, of the famous duo Siegfried & Roy, who was mauled by a tiger in front of a live audience. The brunette illusionist had just introduced the tiger, when the big cat, unimpressed by the entertainer's sinewy physicality and minor plastic surgery, lunged for Roy's throat and promptly dragged him off stage. Roy attempted to beat the tiger off with a microphone, butÉ c'mon. It was GIANT FUCKING TIGER and a LITTLE GODDAMN MICROPHONE. At the time of this writing, Roy's condition is uncertain and his chances for recovery murky. The tiger has been quarantined at The Mirage. Siegfried has been quarantined at Treasure Island.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 20 Today's catfight is aptly entitled: "Liza Minnelli is Trying to Kill Me!" Waxen concert promoter David Gest has slapped ex-wife Liza with a $10 million lawsuit, alleging the Cabaret star often flew into drunken rages during their marriage, causing him headaches and neurological damage (oh, that explains it). In June, according to Gest, Liza guzzled a bottle of vodka, threw a hotel lamp at his head, and began "beating [Gest] about the head and face with her fists." When Gest asked a security guard for help, Liza reportedly slugged the whining nancy-boy in the stomach. While Liza is calling the accusations "rubbish," Gest is currently hiding out in a Honolulu rehabilitation clinic, where he's taking "11 different medications a day"--presumably to help him come to terms with having his ass kicked by Liza Minnelli.