Approximately 55 hours: That's how long Jason "Not the Fat Guy from Seinfeld" Alexander was married to pop priestess Britney Spears, a union cut unmercifully short by an annulment granted at noon today. The legal document states that Spears "lacked understanding of her actions" when stumbling down the aisle this past weekend in her dirty jeans and baseball cap, and only later realized the pair were "incompatible" after discussing their "mutual desires" (hers being not marrying a guy named after a washed up actor who does KFC commercials). However, Jason "Stop calling me George Castanza" Alexander still holds out a wee bit of hope for a future relationship with his extremely wealthy ex-wife. "We are going to remain friends," he said in a rather pathetic interview with Access Hollywood. "As far as anything else goes, I don't know what's going to happen." Well, let us tell you what's going to happen, Jason. After peeping into the One Day at a Time crystal ball, we predict your chances of future wedded bliss with Ms. Spears comes out to be just aboutÉ ohhhhÉ BUMPKIS. According to Las Vegas divorce attorney Anita Webster, if Spears hadn't quickly pulled the plug on her first foray into holy matrimony, she would have been legally bound by her home state of Louisiana's community-property laws to fork over much of her wealth to Alexander. Just to keep things in perspective, in 2002 alone Spears made $25 million. So if he really wants to make some easy money, perhaps Alexander could try passing himself off as a celebrity impersonatorÉ maybe the fat guy from Seinfeld?
TUESDAY, JANUARY 6
Speaking of failed attempts at making easy moneyÉ today Elecia Battle made an unsuccessful bid at scamming $162 million from the state of Ohio--by claiming she had purchased a winning lottery ticket, but then rather inconveniently "lost it." Battle filed a lawsuit requesting that a judge stop payment to the actual winner of the Mega Millions lottery, Rebecca Jemison, who had the advantage of actually being able to produce a valid winning ticket. This abundance of evidence didn't stop the industrious Battle, however, who was still convinced she deserved the money. "My ticket was lost," she insisted to the Associated Press. "I do recall all the numbers. No one can tell me what I did and did not play. I did it honestly, and I have no doubt." One could almost sympathize and believe Battle's tale of woe, if she hadn't almost immediately turned around and reversed her story. "I've decided to drop the lawsuit," she later tearfully admitted, confessing to buying and losing "a lottery ticket," but making up the part about having the winning numbers needed to receive $162 million. Her motivation for attempting such a devilishly clever fabrication: "I wanted to win." This is one of those truly tragic tales that begs the question, "How could such a perfect plan go so horribly wrong?"
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7
Who wants Justin Timberlake's baby batter? According to World Entertainment News Network, that would be J.T.'s current gal-pal, actress Cameron Diaz. And apparently she wants to use Timberlake's loin seed, not to sell on the internet (which would be a more logical choice), but rather to squirt all over her ovaries, thereby becoming impregnated. "Cammie wants to start a family," says a source reportedly close to Timberlake. "She has said she wants to have a baby this year, whereas Justin wants the year to themselves. It's going to cause friction." And since when is making "friction" with Justin Timberlake a negative thing? Regardless, Cameron Diaz has struck back at the rumors with a rather unbelievable statement of her own. "The truth is that if I wanted to be married with children right now," she fumed, "I would be married with children right now." Uhh, honey, hello? You're dating JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. And if you don't have any use for his jerk'um juice, we know a lot of ladies (besides ourselves) who would be interested (on the internet).
THURSDAY, JANUARY 8
The Bush Administration must be in great physical shape, considering all the back-pedaling they're doing. Today Secretary of State Colin Powell kind of admitted there was no "smoking gun, concrete evidence" of ties between al-Qaida terrorists and Saddam Hussein--which was the presumed reason for running roughshod over Iraq in the first place. Powell was answering charges posed by the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, which released a report today claiming that Bush and company had systematically misrepresented a weapons threat from Iraq. According to the report, "It is unlikely that Iraq could have destroyed, hidden or sent out of the country the hundreds of tons of chemical and biological weapons, dozens of Scud missiles, and facilities engaged in the ongoing production of chemical and biological weapons that officials claimed were present without the United States detecting some sign of this activity." In other words, "You're either lying or stupid." Powell then tried to explain that, at the time, he truly believed connections existed between al-Qaida and Hussein, and he was only acting out of prudence. After realizing this tact wasn't going to work either, he said, "Oh, fuck it. We were stupid."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 9
According to the Associated Press, a bicyclist was nearly mauled to death by a mountain lion while riding along a wilderness trail in Mission Viejo, California. Officials suspect the mountain lion might be the same animal that killed another bicyclist whose half-eaten body was found the day before in the same park. The two attacks have shocked Southern Californians, who were surprised to learn they do not live in a climate-controlled, hermetically sealed dome, in which all the homes are movie sets and all the mammals are trained actors. Spinning class enrollment quickly sky-rocketed in the area.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 10
The L.A. Times reported today that a book for sale in the Grand Canyon bookstore asserts that the Grand Canyon may only be a few thousand years old, formed by "The Great Flood" (as in Noah's and the ark and whatnot). The book, titled Grand Canyon: A Different View, troubled some park employees enough that it was moved from the natural sciences section of the book store to the inspirational reading section. Other books in the works by the same author include one that theorizes it was in fact Satan that originally supplied weapons of mass destruction to Iraq, instead of the United States.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 11
The Green Bay Packers lost to the Philadelphia Eagles today, 17 to 20. The loss was surprising to some pundits who felt confident the ghost of Packers quarterback Brett Favre's father Big Irv, who died a few weeks ago, was sure to guide the team to a divine victory. Those pundits did not foresee the late arrival into the game of Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb's dead great-great-great grandmother. Favre did begin the game with the emotional focus many attribute to "playing through grief." However Eagles coach Andy Reid broke a coffee mug that morning and was able to focus his rage into inspired play calling. This was almost not enough to counter Packers running back Ahman Green, who was playing through an argument he'd had with his wife the night before, but then Eagle Brian Dawkins got in touch with the loss of his first tooth and came up with a Favre interception.