It's been a simply horrid week for Tinseltown's cutest duo, Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz--and while they may have been in different countries, they both experienced similar maladies (i.e. facial problems). Cammie's trouble erupted (literally) after landing in Santiago, the capital of Chile, when her recurrent and highly publicized acne problem inconveniently chose that moment to visit South America as well. According to The Scoop website, when Cameron and her acne exited the plane, the paparazzi began snapping away--sending the starlet into an uncontrollable rage! "The problem was that she was not wearing makeup and her complexion is quite bad," said a source we'll call "No-Shit Sherlock." The source went on to say that Cammie was "furious" and began "screaming, putting all the photographers on the run." Laugh if you will, but we once sent a shutterbug to the hospital for shooting us with a piece of toilet paper on our shoe. MEANWHILE! What happened to Justin Timberlake was definitely NOT a laughing matter, when some limey over in England punched our beloved handsome pop star right in the puss. An unknown assailant reportedly popped the curly-haired dreamboat as he entered the Rex Club in Soho on his way to his end-of-tour party. Unsurprisingly, he was so upset by the experience he refused to come out and sign autographs for his throngs of female fans. Inside the club, he told reporters, "It's just crazy here in Britain, I fucking hate coming over here." It sounds like Justin needs some serious protection--and if Cameron can't do it, her acne sounds tough enough to handle the job.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 13
Yay! It's our absolute favorite time of year, when the clinically insane style guru Mr. Blackwell releases his yearly list of "Unforgivable Fashion Blunders!" And topping the charts is no other than One Day at a Time regular Paris Hilton, about whom Blackwell sagely notes, "Grab the blinders, here comes Paris! From cyber disgrace to red-carpet chills--she's the vapid Venus of Beverly Hills!" Also topping the list was a second place tie between Britney Spears and Madonna ("the kissin' cousins of couture crime"), Diane Keaton ("dowdy, dumpy, and frumpy!"), and Jessica Simpson ("Forget putting her stylist on suspension--just clean out that closet and hire a magician!"). However, the most vicious barbs were reserved for the surgically re-imagined Melanie Griffith ("A botox'd cockatoo in a painting by Dali!") and the deserving Celine Dion ("half sequined scarecrow, half gaudy acrobat"). After the list was released, doctors administered an adjective-inhibitor to Blackwell, who is now resting comfortably. MEANWHILE! The recently annulled Britney Spears appeared on MTV's Total Request Live today to answer questions about her recent unsuccessful marriage to friend Jason "Not the fat guy from Seinfeld" Alexander--and didn't do a good job. "I do believe in the sanctity of marriage. I totally do. But I think I was in Vegas, and, I dunno, it just took over me and things got out of hand and, yeah, that's what happened." It's hard to fault logic like that. Spears went on to blame her problems on the press, adding, "Do you realize we landed on Mars on that day? Why weren't they all talking about that?" MmmmmmÉ maybe because no one gives a shit?
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14
And speaking of something no one gives a shit about, today President Bush acknowledged how much he's screwed up the earth, by trying to convince Americans we should also screw up Mars. The President unveiled his grand scheme to send astronauts to the moon, and then our neighboring planet Mars, in order to "extend a human presence across our solar system." Bush estimated this extension would cost our already beleaguered economy only another $12 billion over the next five years--why, that's less than three invasions of Iraq! (And Iraq is a lot closer!) Surprisingly, not everyone thinks the plan is a great idea. "You can't have a war, cut taxes, have the economy in a garbage pail, and spend billions going into space," said Dallas Hodgins, a 76-year-old professional curmudgeon from Flint, Michigan. It was assumed Hodgins had more to say on the subject, had Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld not smothered the feeble retiree with a pillow. So it looks like Bush's plan is a "go," and the timetable for this grand experiment is as follows: robotic missions to the moon no later than 2008, the first manned space flight by 2014, a manned lunar mission by 2015, and Cylon warriors just like the ones in Battlestar Galactica by 2025.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 15
And then there were eight. Today presidential nominee Carol Moseley Braun shocked absolutely no one when she announced she was bowing out of her impossible bid for the presidency, and throwing her support behind the increasingly annoying Howard Dean. The front-runner thanked Braun for her endorsement, as well as for saving his ass in the last debate when another snowballs-chance-in-hell candidate, Al Sharpton, verbally attacked Dean. Braun accused Sharpton of starting a "racial screaming match" after forcing Dean to acknowledge he never had a black or Hispanic person in his cabinet during his 12 years as governor of Vermont. A fair observation, considering there are no blacks or Hispanics within a thousand-mile radius of the state. In fact, while putting together this story, the Associated Press combed the state of Vermont for a single black person, and all they could come up with was Thomas Henderson, 49, who claimed, "Hey, I'm just passing through. You white people scare me."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 16
The King of Pop also shocked absolutely no one today when he pleaded innocent in his first hearing on child molestation charges. In addition, he did not shock them when he showed up to court 20 minutes late. Nor did he shock them when he danced on his SUV. The fact that he wore shoes that glittered to his court appearance did not shock them either. They were especially not shocked by the fact that he invited his court-loitering fans to join him at Neverland Ranch for a post-innocent plea hootenanny. They were then not shocked at all when about 1,000 people, many with their children in tow, took him up on the invitation, forming a line of hundreds of cars. Carnival rides were free, but refreshments cost the children dearly.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 17
According to The New York Times today, a Louisiana judge has ruled against family members who sued the coroner's office for releasing a murder victim's cremated remains with one tiny bit missing: his head. The coroner just couldn't part with it. The judge said in his ruling that Louisiana state law allows coroners to keep body parts as possible evidence, or just to have around. The murder victim, in this case, was found with "an unusual head wound," and what kind of coroner is going to let that just roll out of his collection? The family, who realized the head was missing after sifting the ashes for skull fragments that could be melted down into jewelry, could not be reached for comment.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 18
Think your mother had it rough? The Associated Press reported today that a woman pregnant with sextuplets has given birth to five babies--more than a week after delivering the first! The four boys and two girls were three months premature, and each weighed about as much as a large bag of peanut M&Ms. "The Lord just blessed us abundantly," said father Ben Van Houten, 29. "Six little wonderful darling children that from (our) perspective seem to be really healthy. From the doctor's perspective, they're in critical condition." Isn't that funny? How things can seem so different, depending on your perspective?! The besieged, 26-year-old baby machine was in fair condition, if a little troubled by her choice of spouse and the end of her life as she knows it.