Pop quiz, hotshot! What do J.LO and Jesus Christ have in common? Well, besides having their careers cut short in their early 30s, and sharing a sweet piece of ass, both Jesus and J.LO had a "Last Supper." Unfortunately for Jesus, he had to share his with 12 disciples, while J.LO dined with handsome Ben Affleck (who you must admit, is far hunkier than Judas). Reports have been streaming in all week about the breakup of Tinseltown's toniest twosome, and here's the latest poop to put in your scoop: Rumor has it, after calling off their lavish wedding in September, the pair secretly planned to give matrimony another shot during the Christmas holidays. However, as months passed, a chill settled into the socks of Ben Affleck who reportedly began second-guessing the relationship--especially after LO purchased three extremely expensive Vera Wang wedding gowns, and slid a very restrictive prenuptial agreement under his nose. Christmas came and went, and faced with the specter of an indecisive groom, J.LO is said to have pulled out the ultimate female "weapon of mass destruction"--the COLD SHOULDER. Ben calls; she doesn't pick up. Ben emails; she deletes them faster than a "MyDoom" virus. Poems, gifts, flowers--once J.LO sets her mind to it, nothing can penetrate her "talk to the hand" force field. Then, reportedly on January 19, Affleck was invited to what J.LO calls "the Last Supper." She asked him if he was ready to get married, and the answer was "well... ummm... see... it's not that I...." That's all Jennifer needed to hear, and KABOOM! Another pretty boy gets nailed to the cross. The only difference? In the olden days the going price was 30 pieces of silver--the modern woman demands a wedding ring.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 27
In last week's One Day, we reported that Iowans were immune to Howard Dean's "internet/grassroots campaign" because they have never heard of the internet. After receiving numerous complaints from irate Iowans, we would like to revise that statement: People from Iowa were immune to Howard Dean's "internet/grassroots campaign" because they've never heard of the internet--and they don't know what "grassroots" means, either. Because they're really, really dumb. We hope this clarifies matters. Meanwhile! The Dean campaign got another ass drubbing today in New Hampshire, when Sen. John Kerry scored an impressive victory in the state's presidential primary. This time, Dean decided against scaring off any potential voters with his ear-piercing war cry of "YEEE-AGGHH-A-UHHH!" by choosing a more reasonable and time-tested method of dealing with defeat--firing his campaign manager. "Governor Dean has asked Roy Neel to join the campaign as CEO and Joe Trippi resigned as campaign manager," announced Tricia Enright, a Dean campaign spokeswoman. Insiders say Dean must win a presidential primary in the next two weeks to stay in the game--a tall order indeed, considering South Carolina will probably pull for either Wesley Clark, or Southern-fried candidate John "Not the Psychic Who Talks to the Dead" Edwards. Sen. Joe Lieberman, who currently shares about the same allure as stepping in a puddle of vomit, has vowed to remain in the race. And as for the recently fired Joe Trippi? He's been offered a new position on the Dean campaign as Head of Internet Operations... in Iowa. Ouch.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 28
The Bush Administration's web of lies continued to unravel today when former weapons inspector David Kay admitted "we were almost all wrong" about Saddam Hussein's alleged possession of chemical and biological weapons. Speaking before a Senate Armed Services Committee, Kay also agreed that an outside inquiry into the matter was needed to regain public trust. When approached with the idea of an outside party investigating them, the Bush Administration said, "Whoaaaaaaa there, partner!" adding that it did not want any further investigation until the Iraq Survey Group--which is still looking for non-existing weapons in Iraq--finishes their investigation and finds the weapons, which in fact do not exist. Some insiders suspect Bush will eventually come around and admit to fabricating evidence in a war against Iraq--about a week or so after he's re-elected.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 29
Another pop quiz, hotshot! What do Michael Jackson and Jesus Christ have in common? Well, besides monkeys and botched nose jobs, Jackson has been accused of drugging kids with what he allegedly called "Jesus Juice." In the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair, the magazine details past and present accusations of "rubba rubba" allegedly performed on under-aged victims by the King of Pop. Besides the seven counts of child molestation, Jackson is said to have supplied "an intoxicating agent" to his alleged victim on a flight to Florida, which the Vanity Fair article claims was either white wine ("Jesus Juice") or red wine ("Jesus Blood") served in a Coke can. The article also states that Jackson found it necessary to explain the funny taste of the drink, by telling the child, "Jesus drank it, so it must be good." The makers of Coke are reportedly seeking to take legal action against Jackson, for stealing their idea to market wine to Christian youth. An unidentified spokesperson said, "I think Jesus would be ashamed to have his name on any wine product distributed to children--except of course, one made by Coca-Cola."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 30
It is widely recognized that Russell Crowe carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. This is why he is often caustic and short-tempered. Now we are beginning to get a sense of the real-life price he pays for this heavy burden. First, Russell was forced to give up his role in the Jody Foster flick Flora Plum, when the weight of the world resulted in a shoulder injury. Now, he has dislocated the same shoulder in Sydney, Australia, while carrying the weight of the world in preparation for yet another movie. He'll immediately undergo arthroscopic repair surgery followed by physical therapy and should be able to resume his burden in one month. Until then, the weight of the world will be carried by Al Pacino.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 31
Speaking of beefcake, The New York Times reported today that Armin Meiwes, the German cannibal/computer geek who killed and ate a "willing victim" has been convicted of manslaughter. When Meiwes decided he wanted to eat someone, he knew exactly where to trawl, placing an internet posting looking for someone willing to be slaughtered and consumed. Of course loads of people answered right away and Meiwes responsibly interviewed four men, before settling on his Mr. Right. They spent a nice evening together and then Meiwes stabbed the man to death, hung his carcass on a meat hook, carved up his body, and stored the pieces of flesh in plastic bags in his freezer for later midnight nibbling. "With every piece of flesh I ate, I remembered him," Meiwes mused at his trial. Isn't that the sweetest? (Note to self: cancel friendster.com membership.)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1
OMIGOD! We were watching the Super Bowl and we just saw--we SWEAR TO CHRIST--Janet Jackson's right breast. Justin Timberlake just ripped off her boob coverlet. Just like that. She was not expecting it. We know because we have TiVo and immediately replayed the entire event frame by frame. Trust us, she was VERY surprised. As was CBS. Word as of tonight is that it was a "wardrobe malfunction," and NOT a result of any wager that may or may not have taken place between P. Diddy and Timberlake. Suspiciously, however, J.T. was spotted in a new Sean John tracksuit shortly after the game.