Direct from Hollywood, here's the latest sausage from the One Day Gossip Grinder! Plump-lipped actress Angelina Jolie announced this week she has "taken a lover." Uninteresting? You bet it is! However, your interest level will rise approximately 8.4% after learning the "lover" in question is none other than Hollywood chunk o' hunk, Jared Leto. That's right--the dreamy Jordan Catalano from the best nighttime teen soap of all time, My So-Called Life. You may have heard of Jared's emasculation last year at the hands of Charlie's Angel Cameron Diaz--who can currently be seen castrating Justin Timberlake. (Justin, by the by, just presented Ms. Diaz with $108,000 in Valentine diamonds... ka-BLING! Whatever you're doing, girl? It's working. ) Regardless of past dating woes, Leto is now reportedly happy as an un-steamed clam after being taken as a lover by the hotdog-puckered Jolie--so much so in fact, his pals are plenty pissed! "He's missing practice," whined a band mate from Leto's musical side project, 30 Seconds to Mars. "He's dropped everything for her, as he's her new lov-ah." Our advice is to simply give Jolie enough time to ruin Leto's life. (After all, castrato vocalists will always be in vogue.) MEANWHILE! From "family jewels" we go to "furious Jews," as it was reported today Mel Gibson's pop is acting like a real anti-Semitic jerk. As you know, Mel is currently on the religious hot seat thanks to his clunkishly entitled flick, The Passion of the Christ--Jews hate it because they claim it typecasts them as Christ-killers. Catholics hate it because they're not making any money off of it. And who knows if Mel's dad, Hutton Gibson, hates it, because he's too busy being a Holocaust revisionist. According to Brit tabloid, The Daily Express, the elder Gibson was caught ranting to an American radio station that Jews "are after one world religion and one world government." And while Gibby Jr. proclaims to like the Jewish race just fine, in our opinion "der Apfel" never falls far from the "der Apfelbaum" --if you know what we mean.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17
Speaking of religion, ever since Janet Jackson flashed her meat balloon at the Super Bowl, a big annoying religious bug has crawled up America's butt. And you know its bad when the delightfully sluttish Britney Spears gets in on the action! According to the Enquirer (which is never wrong on matters of this importance) the Britta's family got so freaked after her insta-marriage and subsequent annulment to Jason "Not the fat guy from Seinfeld" Alexander, they actually staged a Christian-style intervention! After giving the pop princess a good talking to, Papa Spears allegedly dragged his daughter to Inglewood's Faithful Central Bible Church, where she "rededicated herself to Christ" in front of the mostly black congregation. (White girls are so funny!) Says a source close to the family, "With her father's guidance, Britney knew she had reached a spiritual low--and that God was the only answer." Brrrrrr! But fans of the old sinful Brit need not worry; according to the article, Spears was seen soon afterwards purchasing a new belt emblazoned with the message, "FUCK YOU." Hey, when you're that "spiritually low," even a "fuck you" belt is a step up.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18
Today presidential candidate Howard Dean woke up, smelled the coffee, and climbed aboard the "Clue Train" where he finally announced his resignation from the race. As previously reported in One Day, Dean was overzealously projected as the clear winner for the Democratic nomination early on--and then proceeded to crap the bed in Iowa, New Hampshire, and other less important states. After a distant third-place finish in Wisconsin, Dean announced he was giving up the ghost and would no longer continue making an embarrassing play for our lost affection. "I will support the nominee of our party," Dean said in a surprisingly low-key speech that was absent of any "YEEE-AUGGGHHH-UGGGHHs." "I will do everything I can to beat George W. Bush, and I urge you to do the same." After promising to continue to help with the rebuilding of the Democratic Party, he made one last request of his supporters. "The next time I try to run for President with only the support of a few internet dorks, will someone please kick me in the ass?"
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19
Special thanks to One Day at a Time reader Ezra who notified us of the following indispensable tip: Christina Aguilera's thong is for sale on eBay! But this isn't just any ordinary pair of Christina Aguilera's dirty panties which can be found in dumpsters and on roadsides everywhere... it's the very same thong used in her photo shoot for the cover of British Maxim, in which she's seen provocatively squatting in a swimming pool, patiently waiting to relieve herself. But wait, there's more! For no extra charge the seller is throwing in some of the actual pool water the Dirrty girl was squatting in! According to the item's grammatically challenged eBay description, "you are buying miss Aguilera's thong and pool water from photo shoot with maxim uk... and consist of as follows: 1) One white thong. 2) One sealed tub of miss Aguilera pool water." Though one might suspect a stampede of "miss Aguilera" fans bidding on this priceless panty and liquid set, as of today, the bidding had stalled at a disappointing $170. See, if this guy really wants to make money, he needs to offer a "miss Britney 'fuck you' belt with accompanying tub of holy water."
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 20
Did you know you are JUST LIKE the President of the United States? That's right! You've been dying-on-the-cross to see that new Mel Gibson Jesus movie, and YOUR President wants to see it, too?! You're like twins. According to White House press secretary Scott "I'm not Jewish" McClellan, President Bush is looking forward to screening The Passion of the Christ. (Clearly, he does not know that it's subtitled.) As you know, The Passion of the Christ has become somewhat controversial seeing as how it depicts the Jews as bloodthirsty Christ-killers. President Bush, who is not a Jew (though claims to have met several), is a born again Christian, which is really, really nice for him. (Nothing like God to rip that longing for coke right out of you.) The Israelis, who fear the movie might put a bee in Bush's bonnet causing him to bomb the hell out of them, have asked that he wait to watch the movie until after Chanukah.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21
The Associated Press reported today that the International Red Cross paid a visit to Saddam Hussein in jail for the first time! They had a really nice visit. Saddam wrote a letter to his family that will be delivered just as soon as the United States confirms it does not contain any hidden messages or complaints about the food. The former dictator also asked to send along several craft projects--his proudest being a whittled soap sculpture and a small clay cup to put pens in--but this request was denied. The Red Cross did bring him a care package which included bug spray, sunscreen, butterscotch candies, Ultimate Spider-Man #42, and a pair of fresh briefs with his name stitched in the waistband.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22
Ralph "The Mouth" Nader announced today he will once again run for the presidency of the United States of America. And this time, it's personal. (Bush robbed him in the last election, you know. Technically, Nader won fair and square.) Nader supporters are already urging John Kerry to get out of the race, fearing that Kerry could steal Nader votes in pivotal states, including Florida. Nader has also asked Senator John Edwards of North Carolina to consider ending his candidacy and Edwards is said to be meeting with aids to consider it. Democrats across the country, fearing another Bush loss, pledged to reject Kerry and Edwards and vote Independent this year. Nader, stunned by the widespread support for his candidacy, tearfully promised the DNC that he would remember them when he was in the White House.