Here's your weekly dose of gossip riblets straight from the Hollywood poopshoot! The new remake of Dawn of the Dead opened up a resounding can of whup-ass this weekend on Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, knocking it out of the number one position and eating it's brain. When asked for a comment, Jesus Christ was very magnanimous saying, "If I have to step down, I'm just glad it's another zombie taking my place." Meanwhile... according to Us Weekly, dreamboat hunky-hunk Colin Farrell has turned his bewitching monobrow toward yet another Hollywood hottie, the previously virginal Britney Spears. Though the two were seen smooching a year ago, Colin has reportedly been doing some recent late-night re-stoking of Britney's fire. "Anytime she wasn't out shooting her video, they were up at the Beverly Hills Hotel," sez a snoopy source. But don't worry girls and gay guys! A friend swears its just a fling for Colin, who any day now will dump the pop princess and leave her sobbing uncontrollably in the gutter. Yay! Meanwhile... Speaking of waking up in the dumpster, Tom Cruise and the similarly named Penelope Cruz? SPLITSVILLE! Though People magazine is reporting the breakup to be "amicable" and that the two will remain "good friends," we all know that's a bunch of horseshit. If you ask us, she was getting tired of that ridiculous Scientology nonsense, and he was growing weary of dating the girl who's most convincing work to date was burping in a Coke commercial.
TUESDAY, MARCH 23
In the seemingly never-ending pee stream of Michael Jackson news, here's a funny and slightly disturbing info-nugget: The self-proclaimed King of Pop is suing a 63-year-old contractor for the return of some of his prized memorabilia which the geezer obtained through a previous lawsuit against the Jackson family. And while that's not interesting, the memorabilia in question definitely IS. Among the not-so-mundane items is a tube of skin bleaching agent (!), an uncomfortable looking sketch of a young boy drawn in 1994 (!!), as well as some hand-scribbled "contracts" for full membership in "The Rubberhead Club" (!!!). Apparently a club for children, Jackson created the organization and the rules, which include, "All members must be idiots and act crazy at all times," and "All members must have the brain power of a two-year-old child." We assume that when the child reaches legal age, he or she could join Jackson in the "Rubberface" club.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 24
He's being called the "White House Whistleblower" and has the entire Bush Administration scurrying around like poisoned rats in an effort to discredit him. He's Richard Clarke; and as a counter-terrorism adviser to the past three presidents, he blew the country's collective mind today in testimony before the bipartisan committee to investigate 9/11. First he apologized and asked forgiveness from the relatives of Sept. 11 victims for the government's failure to protect their loved ones. Then he claimed that while Clinton's administration had made combating terrorists their highest priority, the Bush White House made it "an important issue but not an urgent issue." He went on to say the search for al-Qaida operatives was scaled back after Bush took office, and that further investigation into the bombing of the U.S.S Cole was ignored "because it happened on the Clinton administration's watch." Reaction from the Bush team? Mmmm... a bit miffed. "[Clarke] needs to get his story straight," screeched Condoleeza Rice, who along with the rest of the Bush dog pound, spent much of the week trying to make the highly respected counter-terrorism adviser look like a disgruntled employee of Burger King. "[Clarke] wasn't in the loop, frankly, on a lot of this stuff," said Vice President Dick Cheney who as vice president is, frankly, never in the loop on a lot of this stuff. But it was press secretary Scott McClellan who spoke the harshest words. "[Clarke's] assertion that there was something we could have done to prevent the Sept. 11th attacks from happening is deeply irresponsible," the flustered spokesperson said. "It's offensive, it's flat-out false... and... and... oh, god. We're up shit creek, aren't we?"
THURSDAY, MARCH 25
Sweatin' to the Oldies exercise guru Richard Simmons took another step towards manhood today when he allegedly "bitch-slapped" someone for insulting him. When a fellow passenger noticed Simmons at Phoenix's International Airport, the man "made the offhand comment, 'Hey everybody. It's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s. " According to Phoenix cop Sgt. Tom Osborne, "Mr. Simmons took exception to it, and apparently slapped him in the face." While the unidentified man still plans on pressing charges, he thanked Simmons for slapping five pounds of ugly fat off his face. Meanwhile... As reported in last week's One Day at a Time, Avril Lavigne hates Hillary Duff's stinking guts. According to World Entertainment News, after the 16-year-old star of Lizzie McGuire insinuated that punky pop star Lavigne didn't care about her fans, and Avril responded by calling Duff a "mommy's girl." Today, when a Boston radio station asked the singer to elaborate on her feelings for Duff, Lavigne hissed, "I'm like, who are YOU to talk about ME? You should know better. Don't talk trash with me. You can go screw yourself!" In fact, Lavigne got so huffy about Duff, she jumped up and ripped down a picture of herself hanging on the radio station's wall, screaming, "I hate that fucking photo!" Ouch... looks like someone needs to take her Flintstone's Midol.
FRIDAY, MARCH 26
Have you been following this Tyco jury drama?? Apparently after a six-month, 12-million-dollar trial, the jury is having a wee bit of trouble coming to a decision in the grand-larceny trial of two former Tyco execs. Specifically they are on the verge of murdering one 78-year-old female juror who is refusing to even discuss the possibility of convicting the Tyco duo on any count. Tensions were heightened this week when the old bag motioned an "OK" gesture to defense lawyers as she passed them on her way to the jury box. This made some spectators suspicious and they even began to wonder if the woman might have used this hand signal to communicate with the defense team. Everyone was very relieved when the defense lawyers quickly released a statement explaining that the juror was merely signaling that she had received the lunch bag full of cash and would find the defendant not-guilty. Ohhhh. Happy to have this cleared up, today the judge released the jury early for the weekend so that they could go home and write sympathetic and supportive letters to Tom Cruise.
SATURDAY, MARCH 27
CNN reported today that nearly 200 female applicants for jobs at a Hooters restaurant were secretly videotaped in a trailer while they undressed to put on their Hooters tanks and short-shorts. (Take a minute now to call your lawyer if you need to.) Officers raided the trailer last month and seized a computer that held 180 digital videos of the women, ages 17-25. "None of us suspected we would find that many videos," Lt. Mark Dettor said. Are we to believe that the average Hooters bust usually yields only three or four videos? The restaurant, outside of Los Angeles, was scheduled to open in April. A Hooters lawyer said that the company was outraged and was conducting its own investigatory full-body cavity searches. Filmed, of course, for use at trial.
SUNDAY, MARCH 28
CNN reported today that FBI documents about G-men spying on John Kerry in the early 1970s have been stolen from their Marin County owner. The files were part of a personal collection belonging to Gerald Nicosia, a writer and historian. He had over 20,000 pages of FBI files requested through the Freedom of Information Act, which means chances are he has yours. Three of 14 boxes of documents plus a number of loose folders containing hundreds of pages were stolen from his home not all that long after Nicosia waved some of them around on CNN. (We would take a close, hard look at the boys at MSNBC.) The stolen documents focus on when Kerry was national spokesman for Vietnam Veterans Against the War. No word on what was written in the files. Curiously, Jane Fonda was in the background of every photograph.