There's nothing we like more than to play ridiculous games of little consequence. This week's game is called, "We Wonder if He's Lying?" Our first contestant: actor Kevin Spacey. The Usual Suspects star found himself in a suspicious predicament this past weekend after claiming to be mugged in a London park--and then changing his story the very next day! According to the police report, Spacey was allegedly "walking his dog" in a South London park at 4:30 am on Saturday (Hmmmmmmm... We wonder if he's lying?) when he was "brutally mugged" and clocked on the noggin. However, today he changed his story in an interview with the BBC, saying he was the victim of a teenage con artist who gave the actor a "sob story" about calling his mother, and needing to use Spacey's phone. When he allegedly gave the lad his phone, the young ruffian suddenly took to his heels, leading Spacey in a merry chase that eventually left the thespian hopelessly entangled in his "dog's leash," taking a nasty tumble, and bloodying his skullcap. (Hmmmmmmm... We wonder if he's lying?) The actor says he was too embarrassed to tell the truth, and has sternly discounted any other theories as to why he would be skulking around a park at 4:30 in the morning. "It's a perfectly normal thing to do," he countered. "My doggy had to go!" Asked to confirm the alibi, Spacey's dog replied, "Everything my master said is 100% true... but if you believe a talking dog, you'd believe anything."
TUESDAY, APRIL 20
Have you seen the new Britney Spears video yet? Promoting her new single "Every Time," the video (which debuted today on MTV) tells the harrowing story of what it's really like to be a multi-million dollar pop princess--i.e. it can really suck! Like when you're riding in your limousine? And your boyfriend (who's played by Stephen Dorff) totally disses you? And you're always trying to avoid the paparazzi (who are played by a bunch of really unattractive people)? And everywhere you go, there's tabloids (much like this one) always making fun of you? And when you finally get up to your fancy hotel penthouse, Stephen Dorff is still ignoring you, so you get in a big fight, and he throws a vase against the wall, because, like, he's violent? And so you're really, really mad, right? And the only thing that can calm you down is to take a bubble bath? But when you get in the bubble bath, you realize its too late, because you're so angry and so upset about the tabloids, the paparazzi, and Stephen Dorff that you didn't notice an aneurysm blowing out the back of your head? [Note: In the original version of this video Britney was supposed to slit her wrists, but later changed her mind--giving herself a mysterious, unexplainable head wound instead.] And then you drown? And though Stephen Dorff rushes to your side, he's too late, you're already dead, and he feels like a big jerk? And you go to the hospital, where your spirit runs down the halls dressed only in an oversized men's Hugo Boss white button-up? But everything's okay, because you're eventually reincarnated as an adorable baby--who hopefully will not grow up to be extremely famous and date Stephen Dorff? DO YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY?? Yeah, us too.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21
Speaking of mysterious, unexplainable head wounds, we'd like to give ourselves one every time the name American Idol is mentioned. Tonight the nation was aghast when the best three Idol singers--Jennifer Hudson, LaToya London, and Fantasia Barrino--were put on the chopping block for receiving the fewest call-in votes (Jennifer was ultimately sent home). How could this possibly have happened? Many are blaming computer hackers, racism, and even tone deaf 13-year-olds. However, another prevalent theory is that some people hate American Idol so much, they'll do anything to destroy it. Even vote off talented singers like Jennifer Hudson. They call themselves the "Nikki McKibben Brigade" and they won't rest until American Idol is off the air forever. Join us... we mean "them," won't you? (Our source tells us that next week they're going after Fantasia Barrino.)
THURSDAY, APRIL 22
Listen up, jerks! Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen--those lovable twins from Full House--are setting the record straight. They're NOT the drunks and drug addicts you think they are! According to People magazine, Mary-Kate says the world's richest teen twins "are almost 18 years old"--so climb down off their grill, yo! Ashley also has something to say: "Listen. We're not perfect. I'm not saying that we drink. I'm not saying that we don't drink. All I'm saying is we're making the right decisions for us." Which means they drink, and say they don't drink... right? Regardless of whether they say they drink, or don't drink, it's not like they have a drug addiction or anything. "If I had a drug addiction," sniffs Mary-Kate, "I would be in a thingy--like Promises, the Malibu (rehab) place. You don't see me there. So... like... come on. It's crazy." So... like... come on, there you have it. If Mary-Kate and Ashley are drinking, they are not drug addicts, because if they were, they would obviously be in a thingy. Duh.
FRIDAY, APRIL 23
Would you go to jail for your hip-huggers? A State Rep. from Louisiana has filed a bill that would fine people up to $500 for wearing low-slung pants that expose skin or "intimate clothing" (that would be thongs). Infractions could result in jail time, during which offenders would certainly be exposed to the value of proper decorum, as well as the finer points of jumpsuits. State Rep. Derrick Shepherd, a first-term legislator, says he's tired of glimpsing G-strings over Calvins, and has volunteered to spearhead the initiative personally. Why, he's already been spotted cruising the mall in his Seville looking for underage girls. That sort of citizen activism is really heartwarming.
SATURDAY, APRIL 24
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry created controversy today when he received communion from a Catholic priest. Just yesterday, a top Vatican cardinal (not an actual bird) said politicians who support abortion rights should be denied the Eucharist. Kerry, nevertheless, took communion during the 6 p.m. mass at Boston's Paulist Center. The Church, which has not seen a scandal of this magnitude in centuries, was rocked to its core. Hundreds of pedophile priests are expected to resign in protest.
SUNDAY, APRIL 25
Politicos and wonks have been obsessed with Bob Woodward's new book Plan of Attack, about the months leading up to the decision to invade Iraq. As always, the question on everybody's mind: How did Woodward get so many insiders to talk to him? Now the Pentagon has released transcripts of Woodward's interviews with Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, sending the pundits pouring through the transcripts hoping to glean insight into Woodward's interview techniques. Here's an excerpt:
Bob Woodward (BW): So, Mr. Secretary...
Donald H. Rumsfeld (DR): Call me Donald, Bob.
BW: Thanks, Donald. Do people ever tell you that you look just Leo McGarry from The West Wing?
BW: Seriously. You look good.
DR: I've been enjoying low-carb frozen treats.
BW: It shows. My ex-wife Nora Ephron really thinks you're hot.
DR: Wait. Wasn't Nora married to Bernstein?
DR: Carl Bernstein. Your ex-partner.
BW: Whatever. So I was talking to The President the other day and he said that he really likes you.
DR: He said that?! Shut UP.
BW: Uh huh. And he said he'd really like you to talk to me about, you know, the war and stuff.
BW: So, the war in Iraq, big fuck-up, huh?