Newsflash! New Jersey cops seize and examine Michael Jackson's underpants! And, while it's a dream of many to carefully examine MJ's Calvin Klein tighty-whities, the New Jersey cops claim to be doing it for a very specific reason. According to the New York Post, Wacko Jacko's man-panties could contain trace body fluids--presumably sweat, semen, or pee-pee--that might provide a sample of his DNA. Investigators are expected to compare the DNA with [brace yourself] "samples found on a mattress taken from Neverland Ranch." EWWWWWW! Jackson, of course, pleaded innocent last Friday to 10 counts of hanky-panky, including conspiring to commit child abduction, extortion, false imprisonment, as well as committing lewd acts on a child, and serving him Jesus Juice (wine in a Coke can). But let's return to Jackson's underwear for a moment. Doesn't it sound suspicious they have to go digging through Michael's soiled undergarments just to get some DNA? Why can't they just follow him around with a tray and wait for his nose to fall off?
TUESDAY, MAY 4
Today starts with our current celebrity obsession Lindsay Lohan who, according to reports, is still in love with that little shit Aaron Carter. As the story goes, last year the little bro of Backstreet Boy Nick Carter was dating both Lindsay and archnemesis Hilary Duff--at the same time. This caused a feud of titanic proportions, which has cooled only slightly over time. Now, according to teenhollywood.com, Carter has once again been sniffing around the smoking-hot Lohan in an attempt to bring back that lovin' feeling. And insiders say that Lohan may be nibbling at the bait. However, look out Lindsay! Because Aaron has ALSO been seen cavorting with Miss Teen USA Tami Farrell! Take it from a gal who's been around the block: Aaron Carter is a no-good, trifling scoundrel who gets off on turning sister against sister. (But just to be safe? Next time you see little "Miss Teen USA," you should scratch her eyes out!) Meanwhile! Is there trouble afoot for Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz? According to England's The Daily Sport, Cammy thinks Justy has been spending a bit too much time on the set of his new movie Edison, with sexy co-star Elisha Cuthbert. Besides starring in The Girl Next Door, Elisha can also be seen getting kidnapped every week on the popular TV show, 24. According to a Diaz confidant, "The final straw was when Cameron saw pictures of Justin and Elisha looking very friendly. She's told him to cool it, even though he says they're just friends." We're with you, Cammy! Your man don't show you respect? Show him the DOOR. (On the other hand, stressing out will only exacerbate your highly publicized acne problem, and you don't want to drive Justin into the arms of Elisha--who has the complexion of a baby. Just saying.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 5
Happy Cinco de Mayo--or, literally translated, "Happy Fifth of Tequila." And if anybody needs a drink, it's documentarian/liberal huff 'n' puff Michael Moore. Not only has Michael been screwed over by "the man," now "the mouse" is taking his shot, too. Under orders from the Walt Disney Company, their subsidiary Miramax has given the heave-ho to Moore's new documentary Fahrenheit 9/11--a film that links Osama bin Laden with George W. Bush. On his website, Moore cites a New York Times story that reports Disney chief Michael Eisner didn't want to release a film that's critical of Florida governor Jeb Bush's presidential brother, thereby "endangering" the millions in tax breaks granted annually to Disney's theme parks. "I would have hoped by now that I would be able to put my work out to the public," complains Moore, "without having to experience profound censorship." But, despite Moore's incessant belly-aching, Fahrenheit 9/11 will undoubtedly be picked up by any distributor interested in the piles of money Moore made from his successful Oscar-winning work, Bowling for Columbine (which has been so "profoundly censored," one can only find it in the "Whiny Lefty Politics" section of your local video store).
THURSDAY, MAY 6
Whoa! Did you watch the Friends series finale tonight? That was incredible! Like that one part where the gang was on a rollercoaster that went flying off the tracks, and the detectives had to pick through all their scattered limbs and organs? Wait... oh, sorry. That was CSI. Unfortunately, the last episode of Friends was nowhere near as thrilling. Nevertheless, here are the pertinent questions that were answered during this historic moment in television history. Question: Was Monica and Chandler's baby born without birth defects? Answer: YES--but even worse, they were twins! Question: Did Joey succumb to STDs after his years of sexual indiscretions? Answer: NO--but don't worry, he'll be returning in the fall (just like herpes) with a new show! And finally, perhaps the most important question: Did Ross and Rachel finally reunite? Answer: YES--but not in time to save David Schwimmer's acting career or stop the aging Jennifer Aniston from looking like a horse.
FRIDAY, MAY 7
Two startling pieces of news: Hell freezes over and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld apologizes! The Bush administration has been scrambling for shelter ever since a report on 60 Minutes revealed pictures of Iraqi prisoners being abused and humiliated by the U.S. military. After stalling for as long as humanly possible, President Bush apologized to Jordan's King Abdullah II yesterday, saying he "was sorry for the humiliation suffered... and was equally sorry that people seeing those pictures didn't understand the true nature and heart of America." See? Even when Bush is apologizing he can still manage to sound patronizing. Today, it was Rumsfeld's turn to issue a mea culpa before the Senate Armed Services Committee. "These events occurred on my watch," he said. "As secretary of defense, I am accountable for them. I take full responsibility." He then warned the committee that more trouble could be on the way. "Be on notice," Rumsfeld said. "There are a lot more photographs and videos that exist... obviously it's going to make matters worse." We assume Rumsfeld is referring to the series finale of Friends, which is due out on DVD this coming Tuesday.
SATURDAY, MAY 8
Is David Bowie being stalked by a bunny? According to the New York Daily News, Bowie (aka the Dorian Grey of Rock n' Roll) has noticed a large, walking pink bunny showing up at some of his concerts. Initially Bowie was nonplussed, saying, "I thought, 'Hey, it's rock 'n' roll. It's just a five-foot-three bunny.'" However, when the big pink bunny showed up on board his tour plane--well, that was just weird. So on behalf of all Bowie fans, we'd like to ask this bunny to stop creeping David out! (On the other hand, if anyone happens to have a big cockroach suit, we want to start following around Britney Spears.)
SUNDAY, MAY 9
As you've undoubtedly heard, Amber Brkich won the million-dollar grand prize tonight in Survivor: All-Stars. She also received a marriage proposal from the second place winner "Boston" Rob Mariano--which she accepted. Now if this sounds fishy to you, you're not the only one. Here's our theory: Boston Rob is still playing the game! He somehow found out he was going to get outvoted in the final round, and decided to marry Amber so he would be legally entitled to half the money (in addition to the dough he's already won). But it doesn't stop there! We believe Boston Rob intends to eventually KILL AMBER in an attempt to collect the entire million bucks and whatever insurance money may be lying around. Amber, you may be a skinny skank, but heed our words of advice: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.