We hope Britney Spears isn't too attached to her beautiful blue eyes... because she's about to get them scratched out! And by the vengeful, pregnant ex-girlfriend of current Britney boy-toy Kevin Federline! As reported two weeks ago in One Day, the preggo gal-pal of Federline (Shar Jackson, former co-star of Moesha! Wow!) is madder than a poodle in a pigpen over Britney swooping in and stealing away the father of her two-year-old daughter and the baby currently residing in her tum-tum. In an interview with Us Weekly, sassy Shar layed down the law to that man-stealing tramp. (By the way, this next quote works best if read aloud, accompanied by some finger wagging and head rocking.) "[Britney] can't wreck a home by herself," Shar snapped. "But if you're a real woman, and you find out someone you're seeing has extra baggage, you say, 'Go home and take care of your business.'" Whoo! That's right, girl! And what else? "If she and Kevin want to be a couple? Then that's fine with me. But there are two little kids she better be prepared to babysit." Ohhhhh, girl! No, you didn't! Wait... what's that? Looks like Shar's got more to say! "You know, [Kevin and Britney] might be perfect for each other. You both smoke, you both drink, and you both cheated on significant others after three years. You guys are made for each other. Have a good life." Britney, in the parlance of the street, "you just got served."
TUESDAY, MAY 11
In apparent retaliation for the U.S. military abuse of Iraqi prisoners, a video picturing the beheading of an American was posted today on an al-Qaida-linked website. Identified as Philadelphia resident Nick Berg, the victim was in Iraq rebuilding communication antennas. Before the beheading occurred, the masked executioners--said to be doing the bidding of bin Laden associate Abu Musab al-Zarqawi--read a statement claiming they had tried to trade Berg for Iraqi prisoners but were denied by the American government. After reading the statement, the executioners produced a large knife and hacked the victim's head off, repeatedly screaming "Allahu Akbar!" or "God is great." Meanwhile! Back in the USA, members of Congress were looking at new photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse--and as Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld promised, they were worse than before. "I saw cruel, sadistic torture," said Rep. Jane Harman (D-Calif.), who among others reported they saw photos of dogs snarling at prisoners, women told to expose their breasts, and forced homosexual acts. According to Rep. Trent Franks (R-Ariz.), "there were some pictures where it looked like a prisoner was sodomizing himself," adding blood was visible in the photo. However, according to fellow Republican and House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas), "some people are overreacting," to the 1600 photos on view. "The people who are against the war are using this to their political gain," he said. On a related note, the same God who refused to save the beheaded Nick Berg, apparently has also decided to spare DeLay for his idiotic comments. Maybe Bush is right... Maybe He's on their side after all.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 12
And before we sink into a bottomless quagmire of depression, let's quickly switch back to mindless Hollywood Gossip! Our first topic: Sexy Scarlett Johansson confesses to being a very dirty bird! We've been reporting on the shenanigans of this saucy teen vixen for quite awhile now--most recently her high-profile cavortation with Hunky McHotterson Jared Leto. However, remember a few months back when Scarlett was seen sneaking into fancy hotel Chateau Marmont with Benicio Del Toro following the Academy Awards? Well, the truth is out! It seems the twosome never made it to her room, and consummated their tryst in the hotel's elevator. "We were making out or having sex or something," said the slightly confused Scarlett, adding, "which I think is very unsanitary." Right you are, doll. That's why Auntie Ann always advises taking along a little hand sanitizer and some baby wipes. After all, you never know when you may be banging a little Benicio. Meanwhile! You think those photos of Iraqi prisoners are awful? Wait till you get a load of the Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher internet sex pix! According to the TV show Celebrity Justice, a laptop computer loaded with raunchy pictures of Moore/Kutcher coitus was stolen from the Hollywood home of Ashton's pal, Jason Goldberg. What was Goldberg doing with the laptop? WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW. Nevertheless, if the rumors are true, you can view the pictures for yourself any day now on your local internet porn site. And since Demi is involved, you might want to check the "Sexy Granny" sites first.
THURSDAY, MAY 13
Slowly but surely, middle America is waking up to the fact that George W. Bush is THE WORST LEADER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. According to a new Gallup opinion poll, Bush's approval ratings have sunk to 46 percent--historically a very bad place to be for an incumbent running for re-election. Gallup's editor, Frank Newport, says that Bush's recent slide mirrors the dropping trajectory shared by the last three incumbent presidential losers--Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter and Bush the senior. There is a bright side for the Bush campaign, however, in that his stiffest competition, John Kerry, has everyone agreeing he might be better off working for an insomnia clinic. Even though Bush has had possibly the worst few weeks of any President's career, Kerry's approval rating has roughly stayed the same, raising only slightly in a few polls. Hmmm... is there still time to bring back Howard Dean?
FRIDAY, MAY 14
Gwyneth Paltrow has given birth to a baby girl named Apple. Whether this is in keeping with the British tradition of naming children after fruit (Plum, anyone?) or just a favorite food of Gwyn and Chris, we may never know. The child's full name is Apple Blythe Alison Martin. She weighed 9 pounds, 11 ounces. Poor Gwyn, all that dieting and now she's saddled with a fat baby. It. Is. So. Unfair. The baby was born in a London hospital. Gwyn's rocker hubby told reporters that it was "a long labor," a common male euphemism for "fucking torture." Mother and daughter are doing fine. Apple is expected to go low-carb immediately.
SATURDAY, MAY 15
As we write this, billions of cicadas on the east coast are clawing their way above ground where they have been laying dormant since their last sexual frenzy 17 years ago (Demi, you know what we're talking about). This generation, known as "Brood X"--is that fantastic?--is one of the biggest, baddest cicada generations evuh. The first of the cicada nymphs (Scarlett, you know what we're talking about) have already emerged from their holes and crawled up nearby trees to molt, shedding their hard skins and emerging with sexy little wings. Oh, those cicada wings are SO sexy. The cicadas that survive will pork one another, lay eggs and die over the next several weeks. Then some people will make their little carcasses into soup. East coasters have all the fun!
SUNDAY, MAY 16
Today was a big day for Catholics as Pope John Paul II named six new saints, including a woman who inspired abortion opponents when she refused to end her pregnancy despite warnings that it could kill her. (Hmm... The Patron Saint of Bad Judgment slot must have been open.) The Vatican has long been enamored of Gianna Beretta Molla, an Italian pediatrician who died in 1962 at the age of 39, one week after popping out her fourth bambina. (It was a "long labor.") Doctors had told her it was ludicrous to carry out the pregnancy because she had a tumor in her uterus, but she insisted on carrying the baby to term, thereby signing her death warrant and leaving her children motherless. The Pope called Gianna Beretta Molla, "the pure, chaste and fertile beauty of conjugal love." If anyone ever says anything that stupid and condescending about us, please take us out with one in the head--Vic Mackey-style. Or better yet, shoot the person who said it.