MONDAY, MAY 24

Is it just everybody in the world, or have you noticed that teen actress Lindsay Lohan's boobs look a LOT bigger? Tinseltown tongues have been wag-wag-wagging about the Mean Girls star's busty new look, and spreading simply awful rumors that the teen queen has recently acquired an... ohhhh, how you say... "tit enhancement." Well, just to set the gossip straight, Lohan came out to reporters and rebuffed those booby rumors in no uncertain terms. "Recently, I heard I've gotten a boob job," Lohan sniffed. "I'm 17! It's kind of perverted--but if they're gonna write about anything, why not bring attention to my chest?" Sounds like she's okay with it. Expect a 12-page photo spread of Lohan's chest in next month's Vanity Fair. Meanwhile! From the department of "Even More Plastic Surgery Rumors," comes this report from British tab The Sun who says homegrown Limey lass Keira Knightly has acquired a stiff upper lip--literally! "The Pirates of the Caribbean star has confessed she had treatment to give herself a fuller upper lip," the report stated. "The 19-year-old actress's treatment is similar to that which gave [UK actress] Leslie Ash her infamous 'trout pout.'" Trout pout? We love that phrase! Those Brits are so damnably clever! Now if they could just fix those weak chins and crooked teeth, they'd be perfect.

TUESDAY, MAY 25

Got any summer plans? How about getting murdered by al-Qaida terrorists? (Believe us, it beats those crowded beaches.) The Associated Press announced today that U.S. officials are close to convinced the terrorist organization al-Qaida--which has grown by leaps and bounds since the American invasion of Iraq, according to a recent study--will be launching a major attack this summer. Where? They dunno! When? They dunno! How? Well, the prevailing thought is "they dunno." However, it promises to be the absolute MEANEST attack since... well, you know the one we're talking about. "There is clearly a steady drumbeat of information that they are going to attack and hit us hard," said a senior federal counterterrorism official who is so scared shitless, he wished to remain anonymous. Of particular worry to government officials are the number of summertime high-profile targets such as the G-8 summit in Georgia next month (doubtful, since terrorists hate the heat), the Democratic Convention in Boston (nope, unless the terrorists are concerned about being bored to death), and the Republican convention in New York (now we're talking). But not to worry! As usual, the government is in the midst of constructing yet another "special task force" whose sole job is to deal with this summer's potential attack. However, this task force, originally called the "Summertime Big Bam Pajama Jam" was forced to change its name after a lawsuit from the authors of the Kid 'N' Play movie, House Party 2.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26

Newsflash! In a stunning surprise that rocked the nation to its very core, contestant Fantasia Barrino won this season's American Idol competition. You may now start NOT buying her record. Meanwhile! According to a report issued today by the Justice Department, one of every 75 American men is currently in jail. Happy, girls? As it turns out, this may not be such a good thing. The current prison population in this country is up 2.9 percent from last year, bringing the total number to almost 2.1 million prisoners behind bars--far exceeding any other nation in the world. The report attributes much of the increase to Republican "get-tough" policies, such as mandatory drug sentences, and "three-strikes-you're-out" laws. In 2003, a majority of these inmates were members of a racial or ethnic minority, with an estimated 12 percent of all black men in their 20s being in prison or jail. However, according to the Bush administration, these numbers could have been worse. A high ranking official noted, "Hey, we let those Abu Ghraib military guards walk, didn't we?"

THURSDAY, MAY 27

And now, the latest from "The World of Divorce." Remember the loving union of actor Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley? They're getting a divorce. Oh, and remember the blissful marital communion of Shante Broadus and rapper Snoop Dogg? They're getting a divizzle. (Or is that divorzzle? Rap lingo is so confusing.) Meanwhile! In equally confusing news, both major political parties were stunned into confused silence when Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry suddenly began speaking in an animated tone of voice today. Was he given a surreptitious syringe of adrenaline, or did he simply sit on a tack? No one knows! Regardless, for perhaps the first time in months Kerry finally began speaking out against the policies of George W. Bush. In what the Kerry campaign is calling an "11-day focus on national security" (deserves more than 11 days we think--but at this point we'll take anything!), today Kerry told a large audience, "[The Bush administration] has made America less safe than we should be in a dangerous world," and that "they have undermined the legacy of generations of American leadership." He went on to make a solemn vow: "As president, I will seek out, listen to, and respect the views of our experienced military leaders and I will never let ideology trump the truth." Though many are thinking the phrase "Never Letting Ideology Trump the Truth" would make a great campaign slogan, in a recent poll, most Americans still seem to prefer Bush's re-election motto, "Hey Everybody! Free Beans!"

FRIDAY, MAY 28

A new CBS News poll shows that if Democrat John Kerry were to choose Republican Sen. John McCain as his running mate, the two would hold a double-digit lead over Bush and Cheney. In the poll of registered voters, a supposed Kerry-McCain ticket has a 14-point advantage over Bush-Cheney, 53 percent to 39 percent. In response to the poll, the Kerry campaign, in a stunning bit of political savvy, announced that Kerry has decided to name George W. Bush as his running mate. The duo is expected to poll well in the swing states.

SATURDAY, MAY 29

According to mag-of-the-strange Fortean Times, a never-before-seen mouse-like mammal has been discovered in a Philippine mountain by Filipino and American biologists. The new species weighs a diminutive 15 grams, and has a darling small body with endearingly enormous whiskers. "The whiskers are about five times as long as the head!" the Philippines Department of Environment and Natural Resources said in a statement, adding "awwww." The adorable little mouse was discovered by a team composed of representatives from the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago, the Utah Museum of Natural History and the Philippine National Museum. Upon stumbling on their find, word is the group shrieked, trapped the creature and immediately drowned it in a bucket.

SUNDAY, MAY 30

According to the Associated Press, George W. Bush has Saddam Hussein's gun mounted in a small study off the Oval Office in the White House. (Soooo Texas.) News of the war trophy is leading experts to wonder if Bush went to war for something other than oil, Christian dogma, and personal family vendetta. Perhaps all this poor man wanted was Saddam's pistol and war was the only way he thought he could get it. Could we have misjudged him? Could he just be an innocent collector of side arms, stuck in a quagmire of his military's making? Could his motive have been so pure? Doll collectors, stamp collectors, and gun nuts quickly came to the president's defense--but were quickly shot dead by Department of Homeland Security agents, who were confused by all their yammering.