MONDAY, JUNE 7

Gossip flash! After months as Hollywood's newest "It Girl," teen screen queen Lindsay Lohan has finally publicly recognized that some aspects of fame are "retarded." In what we here at One Day think was a clever idea to avoid the paparazzi who have been pursuing her relentlessly around Tinsel Town (hoping to catch her with a cigarette in her hand, blow up her nose, or a booby hanging out), Lindsay decided to whip her car into a local cop shop. Unfortunately, her devilishly clever plan backfired. "When I arrived at the police station," she remembers, "I didn't realize the space I pulled into was this emergency spot. Suddenly sirens started going off all over the station, and all these voices were asking me to push the button and say what the emergency was. They probably thought somebody was dying and like, bleeding to death. So I jump out of the car and what do the paparazzi do? They start taking pictures of me talking to a cop in front of a police station! It's so retarded!" Ah, the price of fame--so bittersweet, and at the same time? So very, very retarded. Meanwhile... In yet another grim example of the retarded price of fame, downward spiraling pop tart Britney Spears has undergone anthroscopic knee surgery after a suffering a nasty, hiphop-related fall. After completing a scene with rapper Snoop Dogg on the set of her new music video "Outrageous," a representative of Jive records says Britney "took a wrong step and blew out her knee," attributing it to "an old dance injury." This unfortunate incident could put the kibosh on her continuance of the North American leg of her Onyx Hotel tour--which is scheduled to start... oh, any day now. But who knows? Even if her career comes to an abrupt end, she can still market her own brand of Britney Spears Knee Pins. Trust us, if kids will pierce their bellybuttons, they'll do anything.

TUESDAY, JUNE 8

According to a Reuters report, President Bush can torture as many prisoners as he wants--and if you don't like it, you can lump it. A 56-page memo from the Justice Department to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld cited the president's "complete authority over the conduct of war," which includes the addition of torture, interrogation, and putting foreign detainees in sexually humorous positions. This discovery made human rights activists... ohhh, how you say... angry. "It shows us that there were senior people in the Bush administration who were seriously contemplating the use of torture, and trying to figure out whether there were any legal loopholes that might allow them to commit criminal acts," said Tom Maliowski of Human Rights watch. However, even if the Bush Administration are allowed to commit atrocities like torture, that doesn't mean they'll do it. In an appearance before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Attorney General John Ashcroft said it best. "This administration rejects torture," he said. "I don't think it's productive, let alone justified." He went on to add, "Take me for example. I just strangled a kitten underneath the table while answering your last question. And what did I get for it? Nothing but a handful of fur and kitty guts. Anybody got a moist towellette?"

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 9

The fellating of dead president Ronald Reagan continues! Apparently, it's no longer enough for every major newspaper, magazine, and television station to produce teary, maudlin editorials regarding the life of this very questionable leader. Now, Republican supporters will not rest easy until Reagan's face plasters currency, government buildings, and even Mt. Rushmore. Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) suggested today that the Pentagon should be renamed the Ronald Reagan National Defense Building. Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) says he will pursue getting Reagan's puss on the $10 bill (bumping Hamilton), Rep. Mark Souder (R-Ind.) wants Ronnie on the dime, and Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-Calif.) thinks Reagan's shriveled pan is only fit for a $20 (eschewing Andrew Jackson). Meanwhile, Chris Butler of the Ronald Reagan Legacy Project says Reagan is "great enough" to grace Mt. Rushmore. If you ask us, these people are thinking too small. Since Reagan's policies led us into the current war on terror, why can't we just rename the defeated Iraq, "Ronald Reagonia"?

THURSDAY, JUNE 10

However, what country wouldn't mind being renamed Ray Charles? In truly sad news, one of the great blues/gospel/ country/jazz singers died today--Ray Charles perished after a battle with liver disease at the ripe old age of 73. "Georgia On My Mind," "Hit the Road Jack," and a sincerely patriotic version of "America the Beautiful" are only a few great examples in a lifetime of memorable music. And while no one will declare a national holiday for someone like Charles, who brought more warmth and life to this country than 100 Ronald Reagans, we would happily vote to put his picture on a $1000 bill. Meanwhile... Hollywood's favorite jailbait sisters, the Olsen Twins, hit another benchmark in their successful careers today when they graduated high school. They will be attending college this fall, even though they are 17-year-old multi-millionaires. This is opposed to YOU, who are old, uneducated, and poor. So... maybe you should get back to work?

FRIDAY, JUNE 11

A group of German researchers stunned the world today after proving that dogs know stuff. The researchers are particularly impressed with a nine-year-old border collie named Rico who has the ability to learn the name of a new object in one try, by process of elimination. (That is, if you put his Binky toy and his Mr. Bear toy in a room and then tell him to go in and fetch the Big Bone, which he's never seen before, he'll come back with the Big Bone because he will recognize it's not Binky or Mr. Bear and therefore MUST BE the Big Bone.) He also knows 200 words, including all names of local parks. Rico came to the attention of the researchers after he appeared on a German game show. He would have won the grand prize, but forgot to phrase his final answer in the form of a question.

SATURDAY, JUNE 12

After news reports today that conservative Sen. John McCain had rejected VP overtures from John Kerry, some in the party wondered if perhaps Kerry ought to go a more old fashioned route--and choose a FREAKING Democrat. The prospect of choosing a VP from the same party shocked and infuriated many in the DNC who thought the selection might alienate the entire conservative wing of the Republican party from the Democratic ticket, perhaps going so far as to cost Kerry the evangelical pro-lifer votes come November. On a related subject, President Bush is said to be considering replacing VP Dick Cheney with Hillary Clinton.

SUNDAY, JUNE 13

Former President George H.W. Bush celebrated his 80th birthday today by hurling himself out of an airplane onto the grounds of his presidential library. He was cleverly strapped to a parachute at the time. Or rather he was cleverly strapped to a member of the U.S. Army Golden Knights Parachute team who was wearing a parachute. GHW hoped his jump would inspire other octogenarians to embark on reckless acts. "Don't just sit around watching TV," he urged. "Get out there and realize at 80 years old you still got a life. And that is what this was about. I like speed, and I like the thrill of it, but the second part is, I think it sets an example for older people... just because you're 80 years old, that doesn't mean you are out of it, out of the game." GHW then canceled plans for the second jump to be done solo because the wind was too scary.