What's the biggest news of the week? Why that would be Colin Farrell's PENIS. In a report from World Entertainment News that further discouraged men everywhere, it turns out that Colin Farrell's penis is soooooo big, the producers of his newest film A Home at the End of the World say they're snipping his member from the film entirely. Colin's massive penis comes courtesy of a full-frontal nudie scene in this so-called "sensitive drama" about a bisexual threesome (Yowza! We're feeling more sensitive by the second!). However, when the film was screened by test audiences who saw Farrell unroll his hose, there were gasps from the gals, groans from the guys, and frankly, by the end no one could even remember what the film was about. This infuriated the producers to no end. "This is a movie dealing with very sensitive issues," huffed producer John Hart, who is apparently one of the few people on earth that's immune to Farrell's penis. "If that's the reason they're coming, I have no interest in them seeing the movie." Using that logic, we have to assume Hollywood honchos will also want us to avoid the upcoming Catwoman movie (starring Halle Berry's breasts). Frankly, it's our pleasure. Meanwhile! Though used to constant sexual disappointment, Star Trek fans were discouraged today when shapely Enterprise starlet Jerri Ryan revealed her husband used to take her to steamy sex clubs...and she refused to do anything! In divorce court documents, Ryan--who played a comely "Borg" on the late Trek series--accused her ex-husband, Illinois Republican Senate candidate Jack Ryan, of forcing her to accompany him to "bizarre clubs with cages, whips and other apparatus hanging from the ceiling." He then reportedly asked her to "perform a sexual activity on him" while others watched. When she tearfully refused, Ryan remembered, "He became very upset with me, and said it was not 'a turn-on' for me to cry." This is not exactly the kind of publicity one wants when one is running for a seat in the U.S. senate, and Ryan immediately dropped out of the race, a ruined and disgraced figure. However, there is some good news... we just saved a bundle of money on our car insurance by switching to Geico.
TUESDAY, JUNE 22
In an attempt to paint themselves as just a bunch of "good ol' boys, never meanin' no harm," the White House released some declassified memos today that supposedly prove they were against torturing prisoners of war. "Let me make very clear the position of my government and our country: We do not condone torture. I have never ordered torture. I will never order torture. The values of this country are such that torture is not a part of our soul and our being," said President Bush to a group of tortured reporters. Of course, when the President speaks of the moral values of this country, that's never intended to include Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. In a 2002 memo, Rumsfeld approved of such tactics as forcing detainees to stand for hours at a time, isolating them for 30 days, light deprivation, 20-hour interrogations, removal of clothing and facial hair, "inducing stress by use of detainee's fears (e.g., dogs)," and mild physical contact that did not cause injury. However, he was forced to change his tactics after being threatened with a lawsuit from TV producer Mark Burnett, who claimed Rumsfeld had stolen his ideas from the hit reality show Survivor.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 23
Even in the happiest of times, something always conspires to ruin Britney Spears' day. For example? Like when a photographer's foot decided to get itself run over by Britney's mom's minivan! After purchasing two new puppies from a Santa Monica mall (Ugh!), Britney and mom Lynn Spears returned to her minivan, which was immediately swarmed by the paparazzi. According to British tab The Sun, an onlooker said, "Without warning, Britney's mum drove off at high speed straight through the photographers. [Paparazzo Calum Reavley] was struck and went down, writhing on the ground in pain. Britney looked panic-stricken. She was sobbing and screaming." Nevertheless, the photog shouldn't expect any get-well flowers from the Spears' camp. According to her spokesperson, "If anyone was injured in this accident, it was caused by the paparazzo's own conduct." You'll be relieved to learn that Britney immediately regained her composure after learning that the minivan is fine, and is resting comfortably.
THURSDAY, JUNE 24
In an almost unheard of display of actual emotion, today Vice President Dick Cheney told someone to, quote, "go fuck yourself." In an argument on the Senate floor with Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy, the Vice President found himself spitting mad when the Senator accused Cheney--and rightly so--of being involved in war profiteering. (Cheney previously ran the Halliburton oil company, which is currently under investigation for jacking up oil prices in Iraq.) Harkening back to techniques the Vice President first learned in high school debate class, Cheney responded to Leahy's charge by saying, "go fuck yourself." Though Leahy was shocked (and possibly somewhat aroused) by Cheney's suggestion, the Senator chose to ignore the Vice President's suggestion and not fuck himself. Because, as he put it, "Isn't that why we hire interns?"
FRIDAY, JUNE 25
As correctly predicted in last week's One Day, the mentally and physically fragile Britney Spears is indeed engaged to current boytoy Kevin Federline. (Damn, we're good!) Oh, Britney, Britney, Britney. So, now that your publicist has made the news official, we've been thinking some more about your engagement. As you know, your Auntie Ann--despite anything you may have heard--has always been very supportive of your decisions. Even decisions that involve marrying a dancer. A man who knocked up his ex-girlfriend [Moesha's Shar Jackson], the mother of his two-year-old daughter, and then left her for you. I know you've dated for two whole months. I'm sure that, after Justin, this one seems very mature and committed. But remember Vegas, honey? Didn't that one seem "so right" at the time? What did we learn? (Something about not letting hard liquor and our vagina make decisions for us.) Can't you date someone upstanding--like an actor? Just think about it. Also, we know he's sweet to move in now that you're laid up with a knee injury, but keep in mind that you need some of that Vicodin, too. Count them honey. Every night. Trust us. And remember, you can always call us collect. Everyone does.
SATURDAY, JUNE 26
It was a good day for Wal-Mart today, when media coverage of the company's class action sex discrimination lawsuit was briefly interrupted by media coverage of a bloody customer's strange behavior. It all started in Naples, Florida, when, according to CNN, a man walked into a Wal-Mart at 4 a.m. covered in blood and bought some garbage bags. The store employees were suspicious of the man's blood stained ensemble, but their hackles were really raised when the man paid for his purchase with a bloody hundred-dollar bill. I mean, eww! The cops were called and charged the bloody guy with murdering a young man whose body turned up in a trash bin. In other news, the class action sex discrimination lawsuit against Wal-Mart is moving ahead as planned.
SUNDAY, JUNE 27
The Michael Moore documentary Fahrenheit 9/11 took in $21.8 million this weekend, more than Bowling for Columbine's entire record-setting domestic run. Democrats (and a few Republicans who thought they were seeing a movie based on a Ray Bradbury story) packed theaters all over the nation--in army base towns, big cities, and suburban malls. The film has much to teach about hypocrisy and corruption, but perhaps its most important contribution to the national psyche is teaching hundreds of thousands of Americans how to spell the word "Fahrenheit," possibly the trickiest combination of letters in the English language. Michael Moore has pledged to use the world "rhythm" in the title of his next movie.