MONDAY, JULY 19

HA! Ah-HA! For those of you who think Britney Spears pays absolutely no attention to One Day at a Time, get ready to suck a big one! According to Star magazine, Britney will "definitely" be signing a prenuptial agreement with philanderer/future hubby Kevin Federline--JUST LIKE WE'VE BEEN TELLING HER TO DO FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS! Though the Star is spinning it as Britney "caving in to her family's demands," we all know the truth... because let's face it: Does Britney's family write an influential gossip column that ruins careers on a weekly basis? No, they do not. However, we're going to be the bigger person, and simply congratulate Britney on making the right decision--which WE PROMPTED HER TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE. Meanwhile... In related Britney news, the fertile loins of Kevin Federline have once again proven their mettle, as he has become a daddy for the second time, via the fallopian tubes of former girlfriend Shar Jackson (known for playing Niecy on TV's Moesha... Yessss!). To his credit, Kevin did show up to be at Shar's side during the birthing process--while Britney, perhaps wisely, abstained from the proceedings. A couple of months back, when Britney announced her love for Kevin to the world, the then very pregnant Shar quickly made a counter-announcement to Us Weekly: "There are two little kids... she [Britney] better be prepared to baby-sit." Just to remind you: If the marriage goes forward as planned, Britney will become a 22-year-old stepmother. And who says fairy tales don't come true?

TUESDAY, JULY 20

Hey John Kerry, Democratic party, Michael Moore, and those annoying liberals who send us 25 hysterical emails a day--you've got President Bush ALL WRONG. According to a campaign speech Bush gave in Iowa today, he is not the same egomaniacal goon who was ready to declare war at the drop of a hat. Now, he's concentrating on being a "peace president" and it was all Saddam Hussein's fault for making him go to war in the first place! "The enemy declared war on us," he told a roaring group of supporters who obviously didn't recognize the ridiculousness of his statement. "Nobody wants to be a war president. I want to be the peace president." This is totally understandable; especially considering the current situation in Iraq! Beheadings and kidnappings are on the rise, as are bombing attacks and intel that suggests another major al-Qaida strike is right around the corner. And don't even start with the monetary considerations! As it turns out, the Pentagon announced today that the Bush Administration underestimated the cost of this war by (wait for it... ) $12.3 billion. We agree with President Bush on this one; War is hell... especially on the pocketbook!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 21

And now, snappy shorts from the gossipy world of Hollyweird! Hottie Jennifer Garner and Alias co-star Michael Vartan? It's OFF! Jennifer Garner and Daredevil co-star Ben Affleck? It's ON! While filming her DD spin-off, Elektra, in Vancouver, Canada, Jennifer (or J.Ga, as she will henceforth be called) and Ben have been spotted canoodling like crazy around town. Naturally, their publicists are denying the smooch-a-thon ever happened, but we know it's true, so they can just suck it. Meanwhile... Dreamboat popstar Justin Timberlake is madder than a poodle in a pigpen at British tab News of the World who printed a naughty article accusing the former N*Syncer of cheating on poor acne-prone g-friend Cammy Diaz. Hilariously entitled "Trousersnake Did Dirty on Diaz," the story related the supposed confession of Limey model Lucy Clarkson, who claimed Justin "Trousersnake" was "obsessed with my boobs," and referred to his "snake" as "bigger than average." She also spit venom at Diaz, who Clarkson called "a bit of a nutter." Just to make it clear, Cammy is only a "nutter" when it comes to preventing acne. On the other hand, no apologies are necessary for coming up with the term "Justin Trousersnake"--which is the greatest name ever. Meanwhile... Deeply troubled superstar Michael Jackson has been fiercely denying charges that he has farmed out his sperm to a surrogate mother who is supposedly going to give birth to quadruplets. Ugh... that last sentence really grossed us out, too. Anyway, nobody knows whether it's true or not--so, we'll just have to wait and see. However, if Jackson really is having quads, he'll have to hire three extra nannies just to help him dangle them off the balcony!

THURSDAY, JULY 22

The ever-cheery 9/11 Commission released their final report today, which can be pretty much summed up in four words: "We Are Not Safe." Though the panel stopped short of placing direct blame--letting Presidents Bush and Clinton largely off the hook--they did note that both leaders failed to make fighting terrorism a top priority. The commission also repeated its earlier assertions that Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with the 9/11 attacks, as well as issuing a blood-chilling warning: If major, significant changes aren't made in the way the U.S. gathers and disseminates intelligence, a similar and even more damaging attack could occur. In other words, "Get out of the house! The murderer IS IN THE HOUSE!"

FRIDAY, JULY 23

President Bush did his best today to trick African American voters into voting for him. He asked those attending his speech at the National Urban League to think about what the Democratic Party has done for them lately, and to take another look at his own record on the economy, education, social-assistance programs, and foreign policy. He seemed to think this would impress the black people. But the black people, who are generally for education, jobs, and social programs and against killing, had taken a look at his record and did not seem that impressed. His appearance at the National Urban League was quickly scheduled after the president turned down an invitation to speak at the annual convention of the NAACP, leading some in the African American community to wonder if he wasn't just another honky motherfucker.

SATURDAY, JULY 24

Holy shit, things must be bad, because Congress has agreed to come back from vacation to hold Very Special August Hearings to draft legislative changes based on the recommendations of the Sept. 11 commission. (Look for a marked increase in Martha's Vineyard Black Dog T-shirts in Washington.) This heroic effort on behalf of the House and Senate cannot be underestimated, as it is very, very hot in the capital in August and even the interns go to their summer homes. The commission fears that all their trouble is for naught, as it is difficult to make institutional changes in an election year... or, really, ever. However, to his credit, President Bush promised to read the report and, perhaps, even study it. Just as soon as he gets back from vacation... which he began yesterday.

SUNDAY, JULY 25

Lance Armstrong won another thing today after recovering from the cancer. This time was especially exciting. Everyone was very happy. There was a lot of yellow. However, don't you think it's time to let some other cancer survivor have a shot at winning?