MONDAY, AUGUST 2

Here it comes! The gossip column with the loosest lips designed to sink the most celebrity ships, it's One Day at a Time with this week's gift of gab! First up to bat... a bruising tale from the files of the rich and practically worthless. TV reality star/socialite Paris Hilton has been spotted toddling around Tinseltown sporting a fat lip, bruises on her arms, and what appears to be a shiner under her eye. What kind of monster would do such a thing? Mum's the word from the Hilton camp, but the New York Post is quoting speculation from unnamed sources that the ass-whuppin' came courtesy of former fling and Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. Paris rightly dumped Carter after realizing the career of this towheaded has-been was going nowhere fast--but is he capable of administering such a beating? Our guess is "no effin' way." Carter is no macho he-man and has been known to burst into tears at the slightest provocation (remember his blubbering arrest at a L.A. nightclub last year?). When a non-fan teased him about being a potential Paris-abuser on the street, he reportedly dashed to his car and began sobbing uncontrollably. "The situation was sad," said an onlooker to website Popstarinsider.com. "Next thing we knew, Nick was in his car crying. I was about to cry, too!" Sheesh! Pull yourself together, sister. Nick Carter's people are denying the accusations in the strongest terms--so who's the assailant? C'mon! It's obviously former 90210 hellcat, Shannen Doherty, who has a long, drunken drink-throwing history with Hilton. And if Shannen kicked our ass? We'd keep quiet about it, too!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 3

Remember last weekend when Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge raised the terror alert to "tangerine" after gathering intelligence that terrorists were almost certainly going to bomb and destroy a bank with a truck? Well, last time we checked, nothing happened--again. However, let's not be too quick to judge Tom Ridge or the terrorists. There could be thousands of reasons why this attack didn't materialize. Such as... 1) The information was really, really old, and it's as good an excuse as any to get people's mind off of John Kerry's stirring speech at the Democratic National Convention. Or, 2). The Ryder Truck rental company didn't have the correct size of truck on hand. This happens to us all the time! Whenever we're moving and call well in advance to reserve a 14-foot truck, when we arrive on the lot, we're given one of two choices: a three-foot mini-cab pickup, or a 40-foot 18 wheeler. So if you're going to blame anyone for Tom Ridge looking like an asshole, blame Ryder!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4

For those who cynically still refuse to believe in the eternal bond of love, grab a box of Kleenex and prepare to sob your eyes out over this next story. Mary Kay Letourneau, who you may remember as the school teacher convicted for having sex with a sixth-grade student, has been released from prison after a seven-year stint--and guess who was waiting for her? (Cue violins) HER SIXTH GRADE STUDENT! Sob! Vili Fualaau, who is now 21 years old, is challenging the court order that forbids Letourneau from contacting him as a result of her child rape sentence. According to his court motion, "[Fualaau] is now an adult and, as an adult, is requesting that the court allow him to associate with other adults of his own choosing, specifically Mary K. Letourneau." Mary Kay has two daughters by Fualaau (ages six and seven) who have been raised by Fualaau's mother. While both parties have agreed to take things slow, can wedding bells be far away? "She has a personal need to get back together with him to prove to the world this is a love story and not a crime story," said Gregg Olsen, an author of a book about the case. "Part of Mary Letourneau will never let go of this love." Quick! Get us Hollywood on the line! We're picturing Diane Lane and Jake Gyllenhaal with a release date of Christmas 2005. This has got Oscar written all over it!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 5

It was another mentally challenging afternoon for President Bush, when he made what was said to be a "mistake" during a speech before military officials today. After signing a new $417 billion defense appropriation bill, Bush delivered a speech on terrorism in which he said, quote, "They [the terrorists] never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." We don't get it. Is there something about that statement that isn't true? Meanwhile... Military sweetheart Pfc. Lynndie England--the fun-lovin' gal who caused widespread outrage after being photographed holding a naked Iraqi prisoner on a leash--was in court today to determine whether or not she should stand trial for prisoner abuse. In keeping with President Bush's statements that the abuses were planned and executed entirely by a small group of rogue soldiers, prosecutors portrayed England as an undisciplined worker who often showed up late on the job, left early, and disobeyed orders. Hmmm... kind of like YOU. An Abu Ghraib prison MP also related a story involving England, wherein an Iraqi prisoner was backed up against the wall and forced to masturbate with another prisoner kneeling before him, his mouth open. During this staged production, England is said to have rolled her eyes and made "a snide comment." If convicted, England faces up to 38 years in prison--or 50 years of community service as a theater critic.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 6

According to the New York Times, deer, cows, and squirrels are to blame for more than 26,000 U.S. auto-related injuries. In about half those cases, people were hurt swerving to miss the animal; in the other half, they were hurt when they hit the animal. While studies indicate that the deer, cows, and squirrels may be working together as highwaymen, there is no substantial evidence to support this. The cat, dog and raccoon lobby, which donated a substantial sum to the Bush campaign, did not appear at all in this year's Centers for Disease Control and Prevention accident report. The dead cats you see on the side of the road now and again? Natural causes.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 7

It was revealed today that the motive behind the bloody slaying of six in a Florida home was an X-Box. The X-Box owner recruited three of the most dangerous creatures known to mankind--18-year-old boys--to stab and beat the alleged X-Box thief and five others to death. Would this have all happened if it had been a PS2? Probably not. But let's not spin scenarios. The Associated Press reported that suspected ringleader Troy Victorino, 27, of Deltona, was "very guarded" during questioning. Victorino did tell authorities that he was pleased with his team's kill points and hoped that the next level would be harder.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 8

Today John Kerry pledged to honor U.S. Indian treaties when he is president. Kerry made the promise at an intertribal Indian powwow, promising to "uphold the law of the land, and that includes treaties and the special relationship that exists between the United States and the Indian nations." As far as we can tell, this will probably mean giving large parts of the U.S. back to the tribes as well as a substantial payment of back rent. Also, according to an 1818 Treaty with the Delawares, we owe them one blacksmith.