There are days when tragedy is tragic, and there are days when tragedy is both deserved and hilarious. Today, reality star/socialite Paris Hilton was attacked by a swarm of bees. While sashaying down the red carpet at the Teen Choice Awards in L.A., a swarm of bees began harassing the celebrity, much to the hilarity of everyone in the world. Though she escaped relatively unharmed, the swarm of bees felt they had made an important point: "Paris Hilton stands for everything we hate about corporate America," said bee leader Buzzy the Bee. "And we're not stopping here, either! We vow to swarm all the whores of corporate culture, including Sean 'Puffy' Combs, Renée Zellweger and Ashlee Simpson! Viva la bee revolution! Vote Nader '04!" Meanwhile... Speaking of whores to corporate culture, actress Demi Moore is reportedly planning on getting a "kneelift" to correct those horrifying saggy bags on her, frankly, hideous legs. Good for you, Demi! Way to wake up and smell the coffee. The 41-year-old actress has allegedly undergone cosmetic surgery in the past to the tune of $360,000 which included liposuction for her hips, thighs, and tummy, breast implants, a $36,000 facelift, as well as having a tumor surgically attached to her hipbone designed to look just like Ashton Kutcher. Wow. That is one realistic looking tumor.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 10
Not to be outdone by his trashy former girlfriend Britney Spears, teen pop heartthrob Justin "Trousersnake" Timberlake has reportedly popped the question to his acne-prone gal pal Cameron Diaz. According to teenhollywood.com, before asking Cammy to be his acne-riddled bride, the curly haired hunk asked her parents for her hand in marriage. (Presumably, the hand not covered in acne.) However, unlike the increasingly ridiculous and quickly approaching nuptials of Britney and dancer/philanderer Kevin Federline, J.T. and C.D. have opted for a private, cozy ceremony. "[The wedding] will be more like that of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin--nice and discreet," said a gabby pal who had no business talking to the press. Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin? The reason their wedding was discreet was because they're poor, and no one gives a shit! Everybody loves Justin and Cammy, and besides, the cost of her Retin-A alone is going to put their wedding budget in the millions! Meanwhile... In other "Trousersnake" news, People magazine is reporting that Justin is finally giving his former boy-bandmates 'N Sync the old heave-ho. Though a reunion and subsequent album from 'N Sync was planned for the fall, Justin has allegedly said he "doesn't want any part of it." A snoopy spy told the rag, "Justin said he's not in the mood and doesn't think it will work." Frankly, we're with Justin on this one. When given a choice whether to make a billion dollars solo or pop back into bed with a quartet of balding has-beens--well, let's just say that Cammy's acne is looking better by the second.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 11
Today people were really mean. For example, after accidentally spilling a glass of Chardonnay on our favorite Versace blouse, we took it to the dry cleaner looking for advice. When we asked if we should just throw it in the wash, the dry cleaner said, "A top that ugly should be thrown in the trash." People can be such bitches. Take for another example Vice President Dick Cheney. During a campaign stop in Ohio today, Cheney teased poor John Kerry mercilessly for using the word "sensitive." During a meeting with minority journalists last week, the presidential nominee told the group, "I believe I can fight a more effective, more thoughtful, more strategic, more proactive, more sensitive war on terror that reaches out to other nations and brings them to our side." Today Cheney leapt on the statement in front of a Republican crowd, saying "America has been in too many wars for any of our wishes, but not a one of them was won by being sensitive." He went on to mock Kerry by accenting the word "sensitive" at least a half dozen more times during the speech, to gales of bitter laughter from Republican followers. Though this hurt Kerry's feelings a great deal, Democratic supporter Satan spoke up in his defense. "[Kerry] shouldn't worry about Dick Cheney," said the current Prince of Darkness. "When Dick joins me in hell I'll be sure to pay special attention to his sensitive areas." Oh, goody. And while you're at it, can you do something about that bitch drycleaner, too?
THURSDAY, AUGUST 12
We now turn to the "News of the Gay," starting with today's startling revelation from Gov. James E. McGreevey of New Jersey that he is a gay homosexual. At a news conference, the governor announced his resignation after confessing that he had an extramarital affair with another (presumably gay) man. "My truth is that I am a gay American," said McGreevey, who does indeed sound like he's got something stuck up his ass. "Shamefully, I have engaged in adult consensual affairs with another man, which violates my bonds of matrimony. It was wrong, it was foolish, it was inexcusable." And it was also HOT. But now's probably not the time for him to go into that. Meanwhile... It was a tough day for gay wedlock when the California Supreme Court annulled 4,000 same-sex marriages in one fell swoop. According to Chief Justice Ronald George, "Local authorities in San Francisco [meaning Mayor Gavin Newsom] exceeded their authority by taking official action in violation of applicable statutory provisions." In layman's terms, that means Mrs. and Mrs. Rosie O'Donnell have to return that juicer we gave them.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 13
Okay, people, for the last time: don't say stuff over the phone that you don't want coming up in a court of law later. Did we not learn anything from Linda Tripp? Today the Associated Press ran the transcripts of phone conversations between Scott Peterson and his mistress Amber Frey, a massage therapist. It turns out that Peterson lied to Frey. A lot. About stuff like going to Maine to visit his parents, the whole marriage thing, and well, murdering his wife and almost-child. Worst of all, Peterson lied about a trip he supposedly took to Europe. "I am so sorry I'm going to hurt you in this way," he says to Amber on the tape. "I don't want to do this over the phone. I want to tell you this, I want to be there in person to tell you this: During the last couple of weeks I have lied to you that I've been traveling.'' Being a murderer is bad enough. But what kind of prick would lie about flying to the continent? He's clearly capable of anything.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 14
It was reported today that the Republicans' token black, senatorial hopeful Alan Keyes said he would like to end the system under which the people elect U.S. senators and return to pre-1913 practice in which senators were chosen by state legislatures. Or, barring that, a nationwide game of paper-rock-scissors.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 15
In a big ass upset, the U.S. Olympic basketball team lost today to Puerto Rico. We know what you're thinking: does Puerto Rico even have a basketball team? Apparently, yes. Because they whooped our butts 92-73, marking only the third Olympic defeat ever for the Americans and the first since we've added pros to the line-up. This, of course, was all good news in Puerto Rico, where, if they had major movie studios, said studios would be busily working on inspirational based-on-true-events films, with the word "milagro" in every title.