MONDAY, AUGUST 23

Like manna from heaven, here's the latest in perverse celebrity gossip and gab from One Day at a Time! Today's hot topic: Dave Matthews' urine. The state of Illinois has filed a lawsuit against the crunchy rocker after his tour bus dumped 800 pounds of liquid human waste into the Chicago River--and on the heads of tourists! The suit claims the bus, driven by one Stefan A. Wohl, was on its way to the band's hotel when it pulled up to a grating on the Kinzie Street Bridge and whizzed the contents of the vehicle's stinky septic tank into the river. Unfortunately, a passing tour boat also found itself in the line of fire, drenching 100 visitors in sticky, rock star excrement. The state is asking for $70,000 in damages, and for Dave Matthews to immediately cease his recording career (which is the musical equivalent of pissing on people). Meanwhile... Looking for another reason to despise First Lady Laura Bush? We got'cha back! The First Lady stunned organizers at the grand opening of the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center in Cincinnati by refusing to pose in a picture with a BLACK MAN. The black man in question? No other than rapper/producer Sean "H.R. Puff 'n' Diddy" Combs. According to the New York Post, a source said, "Her reps made it clear to Freedom Center that they would not have Laura Bush appearing in the same photo-op as P. Diddy." When the Bush campaign was asked whether this incident might have a negative effect on black voters, they laughed, "Black voters? You're kidding right? We haven't let them vote since 1996!"

TUESDAY, AUGUST 24

Now it's time for a new One Day segment we like to call, "Octogenarians: They Can Be Celebrities, Too!" Today's edition starts off with a fairly alarming story involving Golden Girls alumni Bea Arthur. Boston's Logan International Airport was thrown into an uproar today when the 81-year-old actress tried to board a plane carrying a pocketknife in her handbag. Obviously, this is against airport rules, but... c'mon. It's Bea Arthur. When officials confronted her about the knife, a fellow passenger said, "She started yelling that it wasn't hers and said 'The terrorists put it there'. She kept yelling about the 'terrorists, the terrorists, the terrorists.'" After the pocketknife was confiscated, Arthur pulled a key ring out of her purse and flung it at the officials, claiming it belonged to "the terrorists," too. The flight then continued as planned. When asked for comment, al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden said, "Goddammit! That's the last time I use Arthur to strike against the American devils. Quick! Get me the number of Rue McClanahan!" Meanwhile... Even at the age of 58, pop veteran Cher is still treating her men like meat... specifically, chicken. According to the New York Post, Cher is still extremely sexually active, and dates many male models--but rarely asks for their names. Perhaps more alarmingly, this sexed-up granny actually collects men after her concerts in a sort of male "chicken coop." Says her publicist, "She has a chicken coop backstage and her manager gives out passes to the cutest guys--then Cher makes her selection from the coop." Even stranger? After hearing this news, the animal rights group PETA was completely silent--for the first time in the organization's history.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 25

According to a report from the national news wires, political scientists and economists are predicting a Bush win in the November elections--even though they are clearly idiots. The scientists came by these dubious results by relying heavily on a combination of economic data--including growth, inflation, unemployment, and wage growth. Chris Wlezien, a political scientist from the University of Oxford in Britain, used a model that combines income growth with presidential approval ratings to predict Bush will win 52.5 percent of the vote. Well, it looks like it's back to the drawing board for some of these pointy-headed scientists, as brand new figures from the Census Bureau were released today. It seems that the number of Americans living in poverty INCREASED by 1.3 million last year under President Bush's watch. Likewise, the number of uninsured Americans also increased, to the tune of 1.4 million. So it's entirely possible that the predictions from these political scientists are a wee bit premature. To worsen matters, scientist Wlezien also predicted he would be going on a date... with an actual LADY... later this year.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 26

Have you hot-sauced your kid today? What's that? You're not hep to the newest method of corporal punishment, called hot-saucing? Well, you're in for a spicy treat from someone who really knows the Facts of Life. That's right, Lisa Whelchel, who played the blonde bombshell Blair on Facts, is an advocate and practitioner of disciplining children with hot sauce--placing a drop of the spicy stuff on the rotten kid's tongue whenever he or she misbehaves. "It does sting and the memory stays with them," said Whelchel on ABC's Good Morning America. "So that the next time they may actually have some self-control and stop before they lie or bite." Whelchel is also the author of Creative Correction: Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline, and has harsh words for her critics. "I prefer my child receive a small amount of pain from my hand of love," she said, "than to encounter a lot more pain in life." The former Facts of Life star then went on to note, "But don't use too much hot sauce! You don't want her to become an ugly fat ass like Natalie."

FRIDAY, AUGUST 27

In the annals of what might have been, The FAA announced today that Dick Cheney's plane almost crashed on August 7, but DIDN'T, so there. Air Force II was headed to White Plains, N.Y., when an on-board alert system alarmed, telling the pilot to climb to avoid colliding with another plane that was in the area. The pilot did this. Air Force II did NOT hit the other plane. The Vice President is UNHARMED. A FAA spokeswoman said that both planes were operating under visual flight rules, which means "steer clear of stuff you see flying around you," so it's not THEIR fault. In other news, President Bush's limousine did NOT explode today in a fiery crash on the beltway, though it is due for an oil change.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 28

The AP reported today that two hapless nincompoops have been arrested for allegedly plotting to bomb a subway station in midtown Manhattan. The two men, heavy on plot and lacking in execution, reportedly tried to buy a bomb to blow up the 34th Street station, but couldn't find one. (They are apparently not available at Ikea. Or are too hard to put together out of the box. Those little Allen wrenches can be really tricky.) A law enforcement official said that at least one of the men may have an affiliation with a terrorist organization; the other man may have an affiliation with a Jessica Simpson blog. There was no evidence that the alleged plot to bomb the subway station at 34th Street had anything to do with the Republican National Convention, which is taking place a block away. That's just a coincidence. However the men's involvement in the attempted downing of Air Force II earlier this month has not been ruled out.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30

Anywhere from a thousand to half a million people (depending on what news reports you read) marched in NYC to protest Bush today. The march stretched two miles long, took almost six hours to complete, and trekked from Chelsea to Midtown and back down to Union Square. Michael Moore, who led the group for much of the march, tripped as he neared the finish line, and was spryly overtaken by Danny Glover, who won the gold in the event. Mr. Moore, who finished with a silver medal, has appealed to the Olympics committee.