THEY'RE RUINING THE HOLY SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE. And we're not talking about gays and lesbians, either! The troublemakers are no other than clearly insane newly married heterosexuals Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. The hub-bub broke early this week when details began leaking about Brit and Kev's quickie weekend marriage. According to pop rival Christina Aguilera (who was definitely NOT invited), "I never thought the girl would've done it that way. I know she really loves Kevin, but this is really low rent. The whole affair seems somewhat pathetic." And how, Christina! In an effort to dupe the media, the queen of pop and her philandering fiancée married at the pad of Federline's tailor in front of a small crowd of family and friends, who were treated to (oh my lord) a buffet of hamburgers. The happy couple then presented each guest with a gift bag containing a photo key ring, Nike shoelaces, mints, and a pair of Gap jeans (we swear we are not making this up). Can it get tackier? Just wait! The wedding party then migrated to a nightclub dressed in matching "pimp" tracksuits. Then, according to People magazine, the marriage was consummated at the ritzy Hotel Bel-Air where the duo lit candles, hopped into a bed covered with rose petals, and engaged in coitus to the strains of Phil Collins' greatest hits! EWWWW! Hubby Federline summed up the evening with this distasteful quote: "It was great... alllllll night." Ewww! Ewww! EWWWW! We need to take a shower!
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
But naturally, Britney Spears can't even do something as simple as getting married without screwing it up. According to a report issued today by Us Weekly, the marriage of Britney Spears to Kevin Federline was nothing but a phony-baloney HOAX. The magazine features a four-page document allegedly signed by the couple in which the two intended "to participate in a 'faux' wedding on September 18, 2004; however, they do not intend to and shall not validly marry one another on said date." The two were allegedly rushing to complete a pre-nuptial agreement (in which hubby Kevin Federline would only get a pittance of Brit's fortune should--or rather--WHEN they divorce), when they neglected to note that the document would not become legal and binding until September 24. And as of today, the two have failed to submit a marriage license. However, these very clear facts aren't stopping hubby Federline from saying that Us Magazine's allegations are "bullshit. We're legally wed." Unfortunately for Federline, Britney is telling a slightly different story. "I know we're not completely legal until we file the license, which we'll do next week," she told People. "But in a real sense, a spiritual sense, we're married." Oh. So then it's okay to get you a wedding gift in a "spiritual sense," right? We were thinking of giving you a prayer (since your marriage obviously doesn't have one). Ka-ZING!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
If you're curious how things are going over in the battle-torn country of Iraq, just ask the interim Prime Minister of the country, Ayad Allawi. Sitting atop President Bush's knee, the current leader of Iraq spoke to reporters as Bush drank from a glass of water. "Today, we are better off, YOU are better off, the world is better off without Saddam Hussein," he said, before adding glowingly to his master, "Your decision to go into Iraq was not an easy one, but it was the right one." Bush agreed with his little puppet pal, but added a cryptic warning to any American who would endanger his country by voting for that flaming poof, John Kerry. "[Iraqi] insurgents could plot and plan attacks elsewhere, in America and other free nations," he said. So how would these Iraqi insurgents, most of whom are penniless and don't even have a spider hole to call their own, sneak into the United States? And what kind of terror attacks would they wage? How about...
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
...terror attacks in the guise of Hollywood celebrities? A multitude of terrorist attacks occurred today either by or against a trio of Tinseltown's finest. First up... Avril Lavigne admits to kicking a female fan in "the box." In the "Rocktober" edition of Maxim (bless their retarded hearts), Canadian punk wannabe Lavigne was asked to remember the "last time you had to smack a bitch down?" She responded, "In a bar a few months ago. Some chick came up to me and said something, so I kicked her in the box." Where is the Department of Homeland Security (Vagina division) when you need them? Meanwhile... Paris Hilton, pelted by eggs! While autographing her new book Confessions of an Heiress at West Hollywood's Book Soup store, the Simple Life star was attacked by two men throwing eggs. "Paris had to be shielded by eight bodyguards," said an onlooker. "[She] was very shaken and could not believe it when the crowd started chanting and hurling abuse." Where is the Department of Homeland Security (Chicken Ovum division) when you need them? Meanwhile... On his way to perform at Taiwan's Chung Shan stadium, elderly rocker Sir Elton John verbally attacked the local paparazzi screeching, "Rude vile pigs! Do you know what that means? Rude vile pigs. That's what all of you are!" When one of the photogs shouted back, "Why don't you get out of Taiwan?" John shot back, "We'd love to if Taiwan is full of pigs like YOU. Pig! PIG!!" Where is the Department of Homeland Security (Angry old queen division) when you need them?
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
Want to know something kind of gross? Dogs can smell cancer in your pee. Extrapolating from a study in the British Medical Journal, if you were to set urine from a bladder cancer patient out with a few bowls of urine from your roommates, your dog would be able to identify the cancer patients' urine almost three times more often than would be expected by chance alone. Especially if your dog happened to be a cocker spaniel. The experiment, conducted by researchers at Amersham Hospital in Buckinghamshire, England, featured six dogs, including three working strain cocker spaniels, one papillon, a Labrador and a mongrel. (The mongrel was really bad at smelling cancer.) Urine from 36 bladder cancer patients and 108 control peers was used. Each dog was forced to sniff seven urine samples and lie down next to the one from a bladder cancer patient. The dogs correctly selected the right urine on 22 out of 54 occasions, giving an average success rate of 41 percent. Chance alone would only be 14 percent. If your dog actually drinks the pee, you either have cancer OR you've just eaten chicken.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
Well, we suppose all of you are pretty pleased with yourselves. The numbers are in and last week's Emmy Awards tanked. We know. You had band practice. You were on a bike ride. You think the Emmys are a sham popularity contest and you don't give a shit about Everybody Loves Raymond. We've heard it all before. Well, maybe you should think about someone other than yourself for a change. Like the rest of us? Maybe next year the Emmys will be on HBO, and you won't even have an opportunity to watch them because you're too cheap to get premium cable. Did you think of that? No. You were too busy reading. We're going to remember this. And the next time you ask us to watch some stupid PBS documentary about the decline of the music industry or a tell-all about those creepy Bush advisors, you know what we're going to be doing? Watching According to Jim.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
Swiss scientists have discovered an 86-acre, 1,000-year-old fungus, stretching wide under an Alpine forest. The fungus, called Honey Mushroom, is believed to be Europe's oldest fungus. Of course, we, being America, have a bigger one, and it's not the one under your toenails. Our Honey Mushroom super fungus is 2,200 acres. Its edible mushrooms can be found in the Malheur National Forest in eastern Oregon. That is, if the hippies haven't devoured it.