Stop the presses, and alert the world media! Billions of people around the globe stopped whatever stupid thing they were doing today to listen to Britney Spears' critically important announcement that, at long last, she has penned "the most amazing letter [she] has ever written." According to Britain's OK! magazine, Britney's manifesto offers an explanation for her recent behavior such as career choices and her idiotic quickie marriage to dim bulb beau Kevin Federline. Of course, a manifesto without a title isn't worth the bubble gum scented paper it's printed on, and Britney has come up with a humdinger (and NO, it's not called Mein Kampf). Says Britney, "It's called The Letter of Truth: I Hope You Can Handle It,"--which you have to admit is the DUMBEST title given to any piece of writing since Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. "It was a life-changing letter for me, and I just want my fans to read it," Britney continued. "It really states where I am in my life right now. It is making closure with a lot of things, and I think this is my ultimate truth." Unfortunately, the only way fans can discover this life-altering "ultimate truth" is by paying $24.98 and reading it on Britney's website. Pardon our French, but that's BULLSHIT, Britney! Gandhi never charged anyone $24.98 to impart "ultimate truths"! (Besides, you just KNOW it's going to be just some stupid motto she read on a T-shirt. Possibly the same one her hubby Kevin was wearing when the twosome was spotted dining today at a Louisiana burger joint, which read, "Rock Out With Your Cock Out." Those poor, stupid hillbillies.)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
Seriously, Britney and Kevin's relationship makes us so sick we just want to vomit. That's why on rare occasions we like to focus on Hollywood's more normal pairings, like... Jennifer Garner desperately trying to hide her relationship with J.LO loser Ben Affleck! This hotty twosome has so far done a superb job of ducking the press--but not good enough to avoid One Day's squinty eye! B.AFF and J.GA were recently spotted in her hometown of Charleston, West Virginia where Jenny introduced the caddish Ben to mom and pop. No word on whether Ben emptied out the liquor cabinet, or pawned the family's TV set to pay off his gambling debts. Meanwhile... Former Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon? Reportedly a big ol' LESBIAN. According to World Entertainment News, Cynthia (who played the dykey looking Miranda on the hit TV show) has dumped long-term boyfriend Danny Mozes, and has taken up with a lady--WITH A VAGINA. Though Cynthia refuses to confirm the reports, she should really reconsider talking to the press... especially since the show that made her famous is off the air, and nobody really gives two shits about her anymore. Unless she's a LESBIAN, of course. Meanwhile... Are the stars of MTV's Newlyweds, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey on the skidding track to Divorce-ville? That's the story according to England's Daily Sport, who quoted Lachey as complaining, "If I'd wanted a bimbo, I would have married Paris Hilton." Nick, no one feels a bit sorry for you. Now why don't you and Cynthia Nixon join the rest of the Failed Second-Banana Club? We think we see them over there eating out of a garbage can.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
This just in: "J.LO ACCUSED OF WEARING A WIG!" Frankly, we don't have anything else to say about that... we just thought it was a funny headline. Meanwhile... "New Paris Hilton Sex Tape Scandal!" Ahhh, now that's a headline we can get behind. Remember that break-in that occurred last month at Paris' home in Hollywood? Well! According to Star magazine, some of the ill-gotten booty was a pair of videotapes--which show former Hilton boyfriends Jason Shaw and Nick Carter getting some of Paris' ill-gotten booty! That's correct--even though we've seen more of Paris' cervix than her own gynecologist, get ready for more doggy-style shenanigans coming to an internet porn site near you. (We're going to pass on the Nick Carter video, however. He'll probably be crying through the whole thing.)
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
Bad News for Republicans, take one: The GOP was handed their ass today when the House of Representatives overwhelmingly rejected a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. The idiotic measure went down hard with a final tally of 227-186, a full 49 votes shy of the two-thirds needed to pass the presidentially approved amendment. "God created Adam and Eve, he didn't create Adam and Steve," said the quite possibly retarded Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-Md.) upon learning of the measure's failure. Democratic whip Rep. Steny Hoyer of Maryland responded by saying the Republicans were hoping to use the amendment in order to "create fodder for a demagogic political ads." To which Bartlett replied, "Uhh... Uhhh... fag." Bad News for Republicans, take two: To apparently everyone's surprise but our own, Sen. John Kerry buried President Bush in the first of three nationally televised debates. We mean... c'mon. What did you people expect? That Bush's brain would miraculously recover from the damage incurred from years of alcohol and cocaine abuse, and begin speaking in high-minded verbiage reminiscent of honored statesman Adlai Stevenson? We're only surprised that Karl Rove didn't think to feed Bush the answers via a hidden earpiece. (WAIT! Forget we said that. Bad idea. BAD IDEA!)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1
After a week of unsettling seismic activity, Mount St. Helens burped a column of steam today, sending local newscasters into fits of unmitigated frenzy. Meanwhile, in Georgia, eight high school students fell ill and were taken to the hospital after eating a large homemade poisoned cookie. (It was chocolate chip.) The hungry, sweet-obsessed teens ate the cookie during a break and in no time were feeling very, very poorly what with the stomach cramps, nausea, and copious sweating. Two had to be hospitalized. The cookie was run through an x-ray machine, which indicated "some sort of heavy metal substance," which seemed to mightily confuse authorities. (Whitesnake always made us a little sick, too.) The cookie has been sent to the crime lab, and the Associated Press reports that police are seeking permission from parents to interview the student who fed the cookie to the teens. Now, we're no police detective, but maybe this is one of those times that you don't really need to get the permission slip signed?
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 2
Holy shit, Mount St. Helens is gong to explode and we are all going to die. The alert level was raised to three (or PANIC) today. Apparently a second steam eruption was followed by a powerful tremor, which indicated gurgling magma, which can only mean one thing: THE MOLE MEN ARE GETTING CLOSE TO THE SURFACE! EXPLOSION IS IMMINENT. They've been digging in there for years, and now they are ready to ride their magma beasts into the open air and rule the light again. Scientists think this will probably happen within the next 24 hours.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 3
Mount St. Helens did not erupt today. There were no sign of the mole men. We are extremely, extremely disappointed. We even allowed ourselves to be distracted from the TV. But if this happens and we are not watching TV, or maybe we are out, or in the bathtub, or sleeping, and we miss the live footage of the great return of the mole men--well, we are going to be pissed. We're just saying.