Two topics on the minds of gabby tattletales this week: Milkshakes and underpants--and weirdly enough, both stories involve Britney Spears. The newly married Spears (and yes, Brit and her Vanilla Ice-ish hubby Kevin Federline are officially married and now have a legal license to prove it) has a brand new hobby: throwing milkshakes and other soft drinks at photographers. In fact, according to World Entertainment News, during the duo's honeymoon in Kentwood, Louisiana (shudder) the entire hillbilly Spears clan was seen throwing all manners of liquids at the paparazzi. Said smirking hubby Federline to the drenched shutterbugs: "That's what happens when you get too close." Another thing that happens when a person gets too close is they steal your underpants and sell them on eBay! According to E! Online, an eBay vendor who claims to have helped out at the Spears wedding last month is selling one of his souvenirs on the auction site: "a bra and pair of boyshorts" from Brit's special night. The undergarments are reportedly "100 percent guaranteed" and "brand new" (which can't please collectors of Britney's "racing stripes"). Though bidding started at an embarrassing $1.04, by week's end the underoos were garnering a healthy $14,100--before annoyed eBay officials yanked them off the site. Damn it! And just when we were going to auction off our milkshake-stained Prada blouse!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 5
Today V.P. wanna-be Sen. John Edwards debated a subdued Vice President Dick Cheney (subdued in that he didn't wear a monocle and cackle maniacally while stroking a plush white cat). And while most polls called the match a draw, the lies were flying fast and furious! According to a crack Washington Post fact checking squad, Cheney was the worst offender when it came to bald-headed fibs. Early on in the debate, Cheney barked at Edwards, "The senator has got his facts wrong. I have not suggested there's a connection between Iraq and 9/11." However, the fact checkers (as well as anyone who even occasionally reads a newspaper can tell you) noted there have been NUMEROUS occasions where Cheney linked Iraq with the September 11th attacks, including interviews on Meet the Press (Dec. 9, 2001 and again on Sept. 8, 2002) as well as NBC on March 24, 2002. Also during the debate, Cheney noted that Iraqi security forces have "taken almost 50 percent of the casualties in operations in Iraq, which leaves the U.S. with 50 percent, not 90 percent." An interesting bit of math, considering the United States doesn't keep track of Iraqi casualties. The fact checking report also notes that a senior official in Baghdad estimated that 750 Iraqi policemen have been killed--this is opposed to the 1,061 deaths and 7,730 wounded from the American side. While that doesn't quite sound like 50% to us--how would we know? We're only the people that accused the Bush Administration of lying their asses off from the beginning.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 6
OUCH! The string of "bad days" plaguing the Bush Administration is becoming the rule rather than the exception. The top U.S. arms inspector released his final report today in which he concluded there was no evidence that Saddam Hussein had produced weapons of mass destruction since 1991--which really kind of puts a damper on the whole "war in Iraq" thing, don't you think? And according to interviews with the imprisoned former Iraqi leader, the only reason he was being coy about whether or not he was developing weapons was to protect himself from a possible attack from Iran. Whoops. See, that's what happens when world leaders don't communicate. Naturally, President Bush made a nervous, sputtering rebuttal to the report. "There was a risk, a real risk, that Saddam Hussein would pass weapons or materials or information to terrorist networks," he said in another blatant attempt to make the rest of us think we're crazy. We mean... he originally said it was because Hussein already had chemical weapons... right? When Karl Rove swings that pocket watch in front of our eyes--we just get so confused!!
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 7
Oh, GREAT. Now we can't get our FLU SHOT. Apparently England's Chiron Corporation--who has been making designer flu shots, like, FOREVER--has been told the current batch they were planning on shipping to the U.S. isn't STERILE enough. And even worse? Doctors are expecting an unusually strong strain of the flu to come a knockin' this winter, which would leave Americans with just about HALF the doses we need to stay sniffle free! And you know what that means--once again, it's the young, healthy, and fashionably conscious folks (such as ourselves) who will wind up holding the short end of the stick. Meanwhile, old people--who we're pretty sure are going to die anyway--get to shoot up as often as they like! And in fact, certain states are issuing hefty fines to doctors who give flu shots to anyone other than those listed on the "high risk" list! Naturally, that leaves us with only one choice: it's time to dust off our Mrs. Doubtfire Halloween costume and pay a little visit to "Dr. Feelgood." Boo-yah!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 8
Today the Internet swirled with speculation that a rectangular-shaped bulge clearly visible on the President's back during the first debate was an electronic device designed to transmit Karl Rove's voice into a tiny microphone jammed in W's ear. (The administration claims the rectangle was an oddly shaped wrinkle in the jacket.) While this explains why Bush seemed to faze out occasionally in his reaction shots, as if he were listening to a disembodied voice rant neo-con politics, we can't help but wonder if it is perhaps cheating. Especially since, as we all know, secret lip syncing is only morally justifiable if you have to sing and dance at the same time--and Bush did not leave the podium. Tonight, at the big "town hall" style debate, the rectangular-shaped bulge was gone, though several claimed to spot an oval-shaped bulge on his lower back. If you press it, the President sends another 10,000 National Guard soldiers to Iraq.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9
Martha Stewart snuck into prison before dawn yesterday to begin serving her five-month stint for lying about a stock sale. According to a statement on her Web site, she was looking forward to returning to work in March and enjoying "many brighter days ahead." She also warned that her Web updates might "be less frequent, if not altogether impossible." However, today when we made our daily stop at her Web site, we noticed her Prison Blog was already entered--and here it is:
Stewart Blog: 10-9-04
Hello, Friends! Yesterday I reported to the Big House. It's very airy, though my accommodations are a little cramped. I was sad to learn 2 late that U R not allowed to bring dogs ): If anyone sees a perfectly lovely Chow Chow wandering along the West Virginia highway, please pick him up. Thx! Since so many of you have asked, here are a few things I could use to make my room more homey (all R available on my Web site!).
Good Things: Classic American Flag, Embroidery Kit, Stackable Storage Tins, Scalloped Wastepaper Basket, Battery Operated Lantern Lights, Vintage-style Chenille Bedding, Handmade Buckwheat Pillows, and cigarettes (apparently, these are needed if one wants to procure Pacific Linen Napkins).
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 10
Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld surprised U.S. Marines in Iraq this morning with a personal visit. (And you know how Marines LOVE surprises.) He had been planning the surprise visit for months and was delighted when several Marine leaders pretended to be shocked at his unannounced arrival. (In fact Rumsfeld's wife had let the surprise slip weeks ago, when she mentioned the trip to her hairdresser.) Rumsfeld plans to give a pep talk and field questions at an intimate "town hall" meeting of about 1,500 Marines, but is still looking for a cake he can jump out of. "I like to keep war fun," he reportedly told journalists. Then he yelled "Boo! " and someone accidentally shot him.