Featuring the "Whoopsy-Daisy!" of the week, it's One Day at a Time, your clearinghouse for Hollyweird gossip, political scandal, and PMS-induced musings on the global condition. This week's "Whoopsy-Daisy!" award goes to (surprise!) the Bush Administration for rushing into Iraq and forgetting to guard the Al-Qaqaa facility--which we learned today contained nearly 400 tons of explosives that are now missing. Whoopsy. Naturally, the White House is playing down the significance of what one can do with 400 tons of explosives--and they do have a point. It's not like you can blow up the entire universe or anything. However, presidential nominee John Kerry--who may or may not be running the show by now--also made an interesting point, accusing President Bush of "incredible incompetence," claiming the administration "must answer for what may be the most grave and catastrophic mistake in a tragic series of blunders in Iraq." One defense official--who refused to be identified, probably because he doesn't want his Monster.com resume to be rejected by the new Kerry administration--rushed to Bush's defense. "You just can't leave a guard force at all these places you find," he said. "If you leave a squad at all 10,000 places that are known so far, then there's 50,000 troops out of action." So you're saying that we should have waited, and built a bigger coalition of nations who could've helped us fight the war? Check and MATE, asshole! You're a proud new owner of "The Romano BURN!"
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 26
Meanwhile, we should all thank our lucky stars that pop singer Ashlee Simpson decided to lip-synch her appearance on last weekend's Saturday Night Live--otherwise we would have never learned of the newest disease that's sweeping Hollywood: Severe Acid Reflux. "Ashlee has acid reflux severely," scolded father and manager Joe Simpson, who leapt to the defense of his paycheck-signer. Acid reflux--or "gastroesophageal reflux disease" as it's known within the Ashlee Simpson fan club--is a condition in which the liquid content of the stomach regurgitates (backs up, or refluxes) into the esophagus--where apparently Simpson's vocal cords have unwisely chosen to reside. "When the [vocal] cords are swelled, you're hoarse," the elder Simpson continued. "She could barely get through 'Pieces of Me' because she was in such pain." We are to assume then, that after the acid from her stomach incinerated her vocal cords, it then splashed up into her brain, causing Ashlee to do that weird hillbilly dance, and then blame the whole disaster on her band. Wow. That's a really bad disease. Maybe that's what happened to President Bush.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 27
Though our ancestors may have explained a lunar eclipse as "a great flying dragon devouring the moon," we modern people know better. A lunar eclipse is caused by the acid in Ashlee Simpson's stomach splashing into the sky and melting the moon. Naturally, this causes a distinct gravitational disturbance which causes all sorts of weird things to transpire--like the Red Sox winning the World Series and Lenny Kravitz's toilet overflowing. That big "thump" you heard today was every jaw in Boston hitting the floor after the Red Sox defeated St. Louis to take the series in a four-game sweep. But that's not the big news! The big news is that actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were caught canoodling during the game! Though the two have tried mightily to deny any whisper of romance, those lies were quickly put to bed after the two were clearly seen ramming their tongues down each other's throat in the VIP box at Fenway Park. Thank you, Acid Reflux moon! Meanwhile... In Sarasota, Florida, a man drove his car up on the sidewalk in an attempt to scare the shit out of Rep. Katherine Harris (who many blame for helping cover up the Florida voter fraud of 2000). Police eventually tracked down the driver, a registered Democrat by the name of Barry M. Seltzer, who claims he wasn't actually trying to kill the Representative. "I intimidated her with my car," he told police. "I was exercising my political expression." Thank you, Acid Reflux moon! Meanwhile... Extremely untalented musician Lenny Kravitz is being sued for over $300,000 after his toilet overflowed and allegedly caused "catastrophic water damage." No word yet as to what clogged up the rocker's toilet, but we assume it was the same material that overflows from his CDs. Thank you, Acid Reflux moon... what a wonderful day indeed.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28
The Bill O'Reilly Phone Sex Case came to a screeching halt today when both parties kissed, made up, and defendant Andrea Mackris received a hefty out of court settlement. As previously reported in One Day, Mackris accused the host of the O'Reilly Factor of sexually harassing her when she was an associate producer on the show. Sexually harassing her how? Oh, by allegedly calling her on the phone and bragging about his sexual conquests, suggesting she should buy a vibrator, and mentioning the two should run off to the Caribbean together where he would scrub her back with a loofah. Stuff like that. And though O'Reilly vowed to fight these charges to the bitter end, apparently the bitter end came today when he and Fox News executives paid Mackris upwards of $10 million (according to the New York Daily News) to go away and never come back. Okay, fine... but who gets custody of the loofah?
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29
According to a study by a research team at the Bloomberg School of Public Health, an estimated 100,000 civilians have died in Iraq as a direct or indirect consequence of the March 2003 US-led invasion. The news is expected to so scandalize the Bush Administration that The Lancelot, a Brit medical publication, posted the study early online, rather than wait for their normal publication date, so that the information would hit the news before the election. The researchers then braced themselves for what was sure to be an onslaught of media attention...
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30
But, no! Incredibly, the Iraqi death toll story escaped notice today by mainstream media. However, The New York Times did report that a man has been found living in a cave and growing pot within the Department of Energy property that includes Los Alamos National Laboratory and offices of the National Nuclear Security Administration. The man had installed a front door and solar panels on the cave, giving him both the security and electricity he needed to raise a fine crop of healthy marijuana plants. He was discovered when smoke from his wood-burning stove was finally noticed by a few crack Department of Energy employees.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31
Still no official comment on those 100,000 dead civilians, but the Associated Press did announce today that Yasser Arafat is "feeling better," thank you very much. The Palestinian leader had been rushed to Paris for medical treatment after becoming gravely ill, leading many to believe he might have leukemia and only weeks to live. Now it turns out that Arafat may have been faking. The 75-year-old leader does not have leukemia and according to his aides, nor does he have cancer of any kind. He is now eating cereal, milk, and tea, and feeling "quite cheerful." According to our Parisian hospital sources he spent most of today playing Mad Libs and watching Hardcastle and McCormick reruns. Looks like someone was just trying to get out of an annual budget meeting. Apologies to anyone who hauled ass to Mecca.