It's time once again to play One Day at a Time's favorite game, "WHICH IS WORSE?" Today you have two scenarios to choose from: 1) Being the wounded Iraqi insurgent inside a Fallujah mosque who was shot pointblank in the head by a U.S. Marine, or 2) Sitting in a coffee shop somewhere and being asked to read an ACTUAL "Honeymoon poem" written by Britney Spears that we found on one of her fansites. Well... okay! You asked for it! (And we swear to God, this is NOT a joke.)
Honeymoon Poem: by Britney Spears
"A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fey gave me the call.
I remember it well, as she was smilin'
She said it was called Turtle Island.
I packed my bags light and quick,
Then grabbed my pink dress and favorite lipstick.
We hopped on a plane and took our flight
I slept really well, all through the night.
As we arrive, I turn and look out the door,
People are greeting us right at the shore.
A meal, a shower, and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!
Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.
Private dinners, romantic fires
Little piece of heaven, whatever your heart desires.
Friendly "hellos" and never goodbyes
When you're having fun, oh, how time flies!
As we sit and prepare to make our part
I thank you, Turtle Island, with all my heart!"
[That's it. Next time we're choosing Fallujah. --Ann]
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 16
After Secretary of State Colin Powell announced his resignation on Monday, President Bush quickly named National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice to be Powell's successor. Thrilled by his choice, Bush decided to write a poem in her honor today, which is as follows:
Senorita, Condoleezza by Pres. Bush
When Colin turned in his resignation today
I knew a big decision would have to be made
Who would I choose to be Secretary of State?
Someone who won't make the Christians irate!
And also someone who is preferably black
Because though he looked white, Colin was black
With a snap of my fingers, I had it! Whoopee!
I would nominate Republican Alan Keyes!
He's black and he's mean, andÉ no, that won't do,
The world already hates us (though we hate them, too)
"Waitasecond," I said, "here's an idea that's nice.
Why don't I appoint my pal Condy Rice?
She's black and smart and black and black,
And even France couldn't hate someone like that!"
So Condy it is! Hooray! Hooray!
Let's attack Turtle Island! Bombs away!
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 17
Actress Lindsay Lohan announced today that her relationship with Wilmer has gone astray--goddammit! Now we can't stop rhyming. Okay. Let's try that again. The increasingly troubled Lil' Miss Lindsay has bid adieu to boypal Wilmer Valderrama just days after making a guest appearance on his sitcom, That '70s Show. And while overprotective publicists are claiming the split was amicable, snoopy spies say otherwise! According to the New York Post, Lohan pitched a screaming hissy fit at Wilmer when he refused to pick her up from a photo shoot. Sources also say that the shoot had to be canceled "shortly thereafter because it appeared that Lindsay couldn't pull it back together." Later on, Lindsay became extremely upset once again when she tried to write a breakup poem, but was unable think of anything that rhymes with "Wilmer." Meanwhile... Want to read a love note written to Courtney Love by Kurt Cobain when he was high on LSD? Yes, you do! The drugged-out missive penned by Cobain while hallucinating in a British hotel in 1991 is currently on the auction block at Christie's and is expected to fetch a cool $14,000. But before you clean out your piggy bank, here's what it says (WARNING: THE FOLLOWING DOES NOT RHYME!): "I'm hallucinating at will, over and over again in this English shoebox with pastel curtains and normal little Victorian lamps and drawers. I really do care but I'm not very convincing. He's sad. I'm sad. My throat is a swollen tumor, Blood sausage--colon. I puke air after coughing. It was morning by the time I fell asleep after talking to you. 200 pounds. I thought of a great idea for our video. Oh, forget it." Okay, so it's not very romantic. But while some men say it with flowers, Cobain was more of a shotgun-in-the-mouth type.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18
Today marked the opening of the Clinton Presidential Center in Little Rock, Arkansas--and all the other Presidents who don't have museums were really jealous. Making the scene was former Prez Carter, along with Bushes both junior and senior. Speeches were made, marching bands marched, and everybody waited in line for a really long time (many of whom were disappointed to discover they weren't in line for Space Mountain). The Clinton library contains over 80 million presidential items--and before you ask, NO, Monica Lewinsky's dress is not among them. However, for an additional 10 dollars tacked on to the price of admission, President Clinton will happily jerk off on your dress. You don't get that kind of service at the Reagan library!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 19
It's fun to learn about uteruses! Condoleezza Rice (President Bush's choice to be the next secretary of state), underwent surgery today to treat fibroids (non-cancerous tumors) in her uterus (the baby organ at the top of the vagina). The procedure (called uterine fibroid embolization), blocks blood-flow to non-cancerous tumors in the uterus and can be an alternative to more drastic surgery (hysterectomy). Rice was given a sedative (as opposed to general anesthetic), and the procedure was considered a success (it could have gone worse). She is resting comfortably (her uterus hurts, but she is lying down). Wasn't that informative? To learn more about uteruses, consult your local librarian.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 20
President Bush proved again today why he is one bad motherfucker. He and Laura were attending a dinner party in Chile for 21 world leaders (often a seething hotbed of distemper). They had just stepped inside the cultural center where the party was being held, when Bush noticed that Chilean agents had blocked his very favorite Secret Service agent from following!!! Aghast, Bush turned back--and without thought to his own personal safety--reached through the scuffle and pulled his favorite security agent inside the building, saving him from a certain fate of... waiting outside. Bush reportedly then "looked irritated," straightened the cuffs of his shirt, spit on the ground, adjusted his crotch, and then went to dinner.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 21
An Air France flight bound for Washington was diverted to Bangor, Maine today when officials discovered that one of the men on board was on the U.S. no-fly list. That way, the officials figured, the man and his flying companion (both Moroccan), could blow up Maine, but nothing really important, like Washington. The men ended up not blowing up Maine either, because they weren't terrorists, or maybe because it's Maine. Or perhaps they did blow up Maine, and it just didn't make the news. Anyhoo, officials are really mad at France for letting the men fly willy-nilly to the Empire of the United States of America. They are thinking of sending Condy over there to look irritated. Just as soon as her uterus heals.