Hey! If Time magazine can vote for a super-big jerk like George W. Bush as their "Person of the Year," then WE can just as easily elect "Religion" as One Day's choice for "Thingy of the Year." Here are the most religiously alarming stories of 2004!
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2
Forget that the Bush Administration led us into an unnecessary war using false intelligence--America's children saw Janet Jackson's nipple! Like the Eveready bunny, the furor over the Super Bowl "Nipplegate" has refused to subside, and grows increasingly idiotic by the second. After the heart-throbby Justin Timberlake ripped the coverlet off of Janet's bustier at the climax of their half-time performance, Ms. Jackson's nipple made a special surprise appearance. The fallout was deafening and immediate; the NFL loudly blamed CBS. CBS loudly blamed MTV. MTV loudly blamed Janet and Justin. And… Justin loudly blamed the bustier. "I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction," JT quipped. Janet offered a mea culpa as well, saying it was the duo's idea and that "MTV was completely unaware." Well, according to America's moral guardians, apologies can't wash away the sin of a toddler who's been scarred by the sight of Janet's nipple. "I am outraged by what I saw," squealed Michael Powell, chairman of the FCC. "My family gathered around for a celebration. Instead that celebration was tainted by a classless, crass, and deplorable stunt." And naturally, what would a ridiculously insignificant incident be without a hillbilly Christian filing a class-action suit? Terri Carlin of Tennessee plans on taking Jackson, Timberlake, MTV, CBS, Viacom, and anyone who looks like them to court "on behalf of all Americans [who] suffered outrage, anger, embarrassment, and serious injury" after being exposed to the NIPPLE. Hmmm… "serious injury?" Maybe she has a point. Who's going to pay for our TiVo's whiplash?
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17
Speaking of religion, ever since Janet Jackson flashed her meat balloon at the Super Bowl, a big annoying religious bug has crawled up America's butt. And you know its bad when the delightfully sluttish Britney Spears gets in on the action! According to the Enquirer the Britta's family got so freaked after her insta-marriage and subsequent annulment to Jason "Not the fat guy from Seinfeld" Alexander, they actually staged a Christian-style intervention! After giving the pop princess a good talking to, Papa Spears allegedly dragged his daughter to Inglewood's Faithful Central Bible Church, where she "rededicated herself to Christ" in front of the mostly black congregation. (White girls are so funny!) Says a source close to the family, "With her father's guidance, Britney knew she had reached a spiritual low--and that God was the only answer." Brrrrrr! But fans of the old sinful Brit need not worry; according to the article, Spears was seen soon afterwards purchasing a new belt emblazoned with the message, "FUCK YOU." Hey, when you're that "spiritually low," even a "fuck you" belt is a step up.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25
Hey, trendspotters! In case you didn't know, "whipping the skin off Jesus Christ" is IN, IN, IN! Hollywood hunk turned fanatical wacko Mel Gibson debuted his Passion of the Christ today, and though one might think Christians would be turned off by a film that spends two hours sadistically ripping the epidermis off their savior--as it turned out, THEY LOVE IT! For them, Passion of the Christ is the "hurts so good" film of the year! But the persecution continues: After SO FALSELY being accused of anti-Semitism by a number of New York Jew critics, Mel rightly shot back, "I'm subjected to religious persecution as an artist, as an American, and as a man. I forgive them all." Just as quickly, however, Mel turned "Old Testament" on the asses of those evil critics. "But enough is enough. We will always have demented bigots around. They're trying to make me into some kind of wacko. All I do is go pray. For myself. For the whole world. That's what I do." Omigod… Mel is so much like Jesus Christ, isn't he? Let's not forget; bad reviews, like spikes through the palm, can sometimes sting.
TUESDAY, MARCH 16
And speaking of people who have a "passion for the Christ," it was reported today that a man in Hartland, Maine was taken to the hospital after unsuccessfully trying to nail himself to a cross. In an apparent suicide attempt in his living room, the 23-year-old unnamed man appeared delusional to local cops, and told them he had been "seeing pictures of God on the computer." According to police, the man had taken two pieces of wood, and nailed them together to resemble a cross. He then attached a suicide note, and proceeded to "nail one of his hands to the wood using a 14-penny nail and a hammer." Lt. Pierre Boucher noted that, "when [the man] realized he was unable to nail his other hand to the board, he called 911." Both crucifix and victim are resting comfortably at Sebasticook Valley Hospital. Reached for comment, Jesus Christ had the following advice about do-it-yourself crucifixion: "Sure, this story's pretty funny… but it also proves an important point. If you want a job done right, call the Jews."
THURSDAY, AUGUST 19
According to Britain's The Mirror, Britney Spears puts dildos in her mouth. During an interview with the host of Brit show Popword, when cheeky host Simon Amstell asked her what was the last thing she had in her mouth, Britney replied, "a dildo." Later the stunned Amstell said, "I thought her answer would be something like chicken escalope." Meanwhile… In religious news, 8-year-old Haley Waldman of New Jersey had her first Holy Communion declared invalid because she refused to eat a wafer that contained wheat. Waldman suffers from a rare and potentially deadly digestive disorder that prohibits her from ingesting gluten--which the communion wafer is chock full of. However, church doctrine says the wafer, like the bread served at the Last Supper, must contain at least some unleavened wheat--and unsurprisingly, the church is refusing to budge. In our opinion, personal safety should always trump tradition. For example: How would the priests feel if all the choirboy penises in the world were suddenly made of battery acid?
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 9
The reptilian and morally disgusting Attorney General John Ashcroft resigned today. And in his resignation letter to President Bush the oozing pus-hole Ashcroft humbly noted, "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved." Yay! That must mean we no longer have to remove our Manolo Blahniks at the airport! He continued, "I believe that my energies and talents should be directed toward other challenging horizons," which will more than likely be drowning bags of kittens. Since getting his job with the Bush administration, Ashcroft has become the pin-up boy for the far right movement, who go absolutely gaga over his support of the Patriot Act, willy-nilly detention of terror suspects, and advancing into law all sorts of Fundamentalist Christian anti-morality. After handing in his resignation, Ashcroft asked the Supreme Court to block Oregon's "Death with Dignity Act"--a twice-approved voter initiative that would allow terminal patients who are mentally capable (and have the permission of two doctors) the opportunity to end their own lives. Pandering to Bush's conservative Christian voters, Ashcroft argues that assisted suicide for the suffering does not serve "a legitimate medical purpose." Satan, who is looking forward to Ashcroft eventually arriving in his subterranean kingdom, was quoted as saying, "Sticking a pitchfork up Ashcroft's ass may not seem like it serves "a legitimate medical purpose' either--but how else am I supposed to give prostate exams?"